I don't know where to begin. I have been battling depression for a long time. When you deal with depression, it becomes harder to deal with life's everyday curve balls. Depression is like a high-interest credit card when you have no access to cash. Anyways, I turned to opiates to cope with life and my depression while seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for three years. Then my doctors stopped taking my insurance and I increased my opiate use and self-destructive behaviors and choices. I thought it was okay because I was still able to hold down a good professional job while working on my PhD. Well, that led to my running into SERIOUS legal problems. I mean, I actually got raided by the feds. All I will say is that it wasn't for drugs, terrorism or anything violent and I will not discuss it anymore. It was a HUGE wake up call for me. I was not arrested. I got a fantastic lawyer and he told me it was 50/50 on whether or not I would be charged with anything. Well, he found out that I will be charged with something but not for awhile. The charges are serious. It is unlikely that I will be able to come out of the situation without some criminal record and possible criminal registration. That would spell the end of my career, destroy my reputation and ruin me financially. A part of me says "fuck that shit! Fight it!" But my gut, which I have not listened to in the past, says that the odds are stacked against me. In these types of cases, the government has a 97% conviction rate. There is the option of a plea deal, but at the expense of having a criminal record and registration which is like a life sentence. Luckily, no one knows about this except me, my lawyer and the feds who are investigating me. If I were to die, then the investigation would end. No one will know that I was going to be charged with some horrible crime. My lawyer can't tell me what will happen or what they have on me until they file charges which means I will have to be arrested and I don't think I can go through that. Plus I don't think I can even afford bail and my lawyer. I would hate to find out that they have a solid case against me and have my family and community turn against me when I should have just killed myself. Like I said, my gut says it will be a simple case for the government. Even if I were to skate charges, I would have to face my demons. Those demons will never go away. I have tried and tried. Before all of this, I had wished that God (whom I no longer really believe in) would strike me dead (preferably while engaged in an act of heroism and/or with those I love) because I was too much of a pussy to do it myself. I had really hoped that this would be a "wake up call" and would force me to get my act together but I don't see it that way anymore. I see it as my having a death wish that has been answered. I do see a therapist now and he even struggles to find ways to help me. Basically, I am a "professional mental health patient" with a drug problem and mental health issues who is now facing serious legal problems that will eventually become public. I am leaning towards suicide to end my emotional pain and prevent people from finding out about my legal woes. I honestly believe that my family will be better off with my dying than having to see me go through the criminal court system. They would disown me in a heartbeat and all my friends would turn their backs on me and I wouldn't blame them. Suicide seems to be the lesser of two evils. I don't want to die but I don't want to be in a situation where I had wished that I had killed myself earlier. I am not sure why I posted in here. However, I don't need legal advice, platitude and will not give out anymore information as it is moot.