Suicide seems like a solution for me

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by drdmick, Jun 22, 2015.

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  1. drdmick

    drdmick New Member

    I don't know where to begin. I have been battling depression for a long time. When you deal with depression, it becomes harder to deal with life's everyday curve balls. Depression is like a high-interest credit card when you have no access to cash. Anyways, I turned to opiates to cope with life and my depression while seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for three years. Then my doctors stopped taking my insurance and I increased my opiate use and self-destructive behaviors and choices. I thought it was okay because I was still able to hold down a good professional job while working on my PhD.
    Well, that led to my running into SERIOUS legal problems. I mean, I actually got raided by the feds. All I will say is that it wasn't for drugs, terrorism or anything violent and I will not discuss it anymore. It was a HUGE wake up call for me. I was not arrested. I got a fantastic lawyer and he told me it was 50/50 on whether or not I would be charged with anything. Well, he found out that I will be charged with something but not for awhile. The charges are serious. It is unlikely that I will be able to come out of the situation without some criminal record and possible criminal registration. That would spell the end of my career, destroy my reputation and ruin me financially.
    A part of me says "fuck that shit! Fight it!" But my gut, which I have not listened to in the past, says that the odds are stacked against me. In these types of cases, the government has a 97% conviction rate. There is the option of a plea deal, but at the expense of having a criminal record and registration which is like a life sentence. Luckily, no one knows about this except me, my lawyer and the feds who are investigating me. If I were to die, then the investigation would end. No one will know that I was going to be charged with some horrible crime. My lawyer can't tell me what will happen or what they have on me until they file charges which means I will have to be arrested and I don't think I can go through that. Plus I don't think I can even afford bail and my lawyer. I would hate to find out that they have a solid case against me and have my family and community turn against me when I should have just killed myself. Like I said, my gut says it will be a simple case for the government.
    Even if I were to skate charges, I would have to face my demons. Those demons will never go away. I have tried and tried. Before all of this, I had wished that God (whom I no longer really believe in) would strike me dead (preferably while engaged in an act of heroism and/or with those I love) because I was too much of a pussy to do it myself. I had really hoped that this would be a "wake up call" and would force me to get my act together but I don't see it that way anymore. I see it as my having a death wish that has been answered. I do see a therapist now and he even struggles to find ways to help me.
    Basically, I am a "professional mental health patient" with a drug problem and mental health issues who is now facing serious legal problems that will eventually become public. I am leaning towards suicide to end my emotional pain and prevent people from finding out about my legal woes. I honestly believe that my family will be better off with my dying than having to see me go through the criminal court system. They would disown me in a heartbeat and all my friends would turn their backs on me and I wouldn't blame them.
    Suicide seems to be the lesser of two evils. I don't want to die but I don't want to be in a situation where I had wished that I had killed myself earlier.
    I am not sure why I posted in here. However, I don't need legal advice, platitude and will not give out anymore information as it is moot.
     
  2. islandification

    islandification Well-Known Member

    I was in a somewhat similar situation a few years ago. While things have improved I won't say they are great or ever will be. Just try to take it day it one day at a time and hope to survive financially. I am at an age where I hopefully won't outlive my savings (no guarantees).

    At the time I felt very suicidal. made a half-hearted attempt and backed down. If it comes to trial and you can't afford counsel get the public defender and hope for the best. It might not be so bad (probation or light sentence). Some friends will support you, many won't, and you won't know which are which until the time comes.

    Sorry I don't have more to offer. The worst times don't last, unfortunately neither do the best.
     
  3. dagget

    dagget Member

    Well have to say your situation sounds almost exactly like mine, I am facing the waiting game before it truly is game over for me, in truth I cannot handle the guilt, shame and loss of everything after going through that process. The prospect of starting all over gain with such a horrible stain on ones character is just a little overwhelming.
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I guess you can say suicide is a "solution", much as you could say that a house needs new carpets and paint so burn the house down and will not have those those problems of deciding what color paint or how to to pay for a new carpet. Unfortunately both these solutions completely overlook the fact that you can actually still live in the house even if it has worn carpets and peeling paint, and that with even moderate effort you can do the paint and carpets and have something really nice for a lot of years- just need to take the time and effort needed to fix things up some.

    So far as still having to "face the demons" , that is life. Everybody has things they struggle with. While it would be easy for me, you, or anybody to make a list of real problems and serious issues that dismisses the issues of other people, to the people facing them they are all painful and hard , and none are easier to face than others. That is because in all cases the real hard part is the courage and strength to face them, not the actual doing. That is what makes nearly all problems equal.

    Maybe it is legal issues /criminal record, maybe it is weight or body image issues, phobias and fears, plain old fashioned depression, any combination of these or 1000 others, when they are your problem they hard to face and to do anything about and there needs to be the choice made to either face it and beat it and not let it hold you back, to do nothing and simply exist around it and do what you can to make things as good as possible while not actually addressing them, or to give up. Since it is the same decisions made they are all really pretty much the same for the person facing the issues.

    It is human nature to want to do things the easiest way possible. That is why the idea and though of suicide comes to mind so easily. What is the fastest easiest, least effort manner to get past the issues we are facing? To not deal with anything at all and not have to try to figure anything out is clearly minimal effort so of course it comes to mind. Burning down the house takes no more effort than the 1/2 second to light a match. Fortunately, most people also see that that solution is throwing away far too much of value and decide that spending the time to decide how to paint and put in new carpets will be the better solution with more value in the end. Just takes a little more effort but when done you have something of great value to show for it, just like your life.
     
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sometimes the worst thing is looking at ourselves in the mirror after the fact because we simply got caught.

    Would you still have continued to do illegal stuff if you weren't caught in the first place and still be fine looking at the mirror everyday?
     
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