Where to begin? Well first of all, I'm not looking for reasons to live or reasons not to kill myself... I just came from the mental clinic and an appointment with one of the doctors... he prescribed me an SSRI - cant remember what that means. It's the second time I've ever spoken about what I'm feeling, the first was after stating that I've been contemplating ways of commiting suicide for over a year... I've re-written this post 20 times already before posting - trying to convey exactly what I'm feeling/just enough to make whoever reads this understand/convince reader that my conclusion is methodical even if misguided - but truth is I want a solution and cannot see a better (less painful) one than ending my life. I'm desperate to be heard but never give anyone the opportunity to listen. I've got plenty of advice and solutions for others yet never allow it to travel in other direction... After my mum died when I was young, I have survived these last 10-11yrs through becoming competent at dilemmas/tasks/situations and finding my own answers/solutions at every obstacle to the point where I do not trust the judgement of anyone else anymore and have also isolated myself to the point of total emotional disconnection from everyone almost, even my two young children. Yet here I am, on a forum reaching out... how ironic. Perhaps it's the faceless and somewhat anonymous nature of it. I am far too proud, stubborn and developed too much ego too have managed to do it any other way and whilst I dont believe it will help doing so, deep-down I must be hoping that it will, else I wouldnt be sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I type. My back story is irrelevant, so is what I have or not in life - so I wont bore you with it - I understand enough to know that none of that is the fundamental core/cause of how I perceive or feel about myself. That is why thoughts of suicide have gone on so long and continue to increase, because although I've managed to get this far, I've either always had or increasingly developed the belief that I am worthless, abnormal, wasting other's time or that I hate myself. That last one is unbearable to live with.... And I genuinely cant bear it any longer - I used to be a joy to be around, social and outgoing, now I'm an anti-social misery with agoraphobic traits. I genuinely feel I would be better off dead and I am heartbroken that I have no other solution.