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Suicide seems logical, even if misguided

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AnonymousLoser, Jun 17, 2016.

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  1. AnonymousLoser

    AnonymousLoser New Member

    Where to begin?

    Well first of all, I'm not looking for reasons to live or reasons not to kill myself...

    I just came from the mental clinic and an appointment with one of the doctors... he prescribed me an SSRI - cant remember what that means. It's the second time I've ever spoken about what I'm feeling, the first was after stating that I've been contemplating ways of commiting suicide for over a year...

    I've re-written this post 20 times already before posting - trying to convey exactly what I'm feeling/just enough to make whoever reads this understand/convince reader that my conclusion is methodical even if misguided - but truth is I want a solution and cannot see a better (less painful) one than ending my life.

    I'm desperate to be heard but never give anyone the opportunity to listen. I've got plenty of advice and solutions for others yet never allow it to travel in other direction... After my mum died when I was young, I have survived these last 10-11yrs through becoming competent at dilemmas/tasks/situations and finding my own answers/solutions at every obstacle to the point where I do not trust the judgement of anyone else anymore and have also isolated myself to the point of total emotional disconnection from everyone almost, even my two young children.

    Yet here I am, on a forum reaching out... how ironic.

    Perhaps it's the faceless and somewhat anonymous nature of it. I am far too proud, stubborn and developed too much ego too have managed to do it any other way and whilst I dont believe it will help doing so, deep-down I must be hoping that it will, else I wouldnt be sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I type.

    My back story is irrelevant, so is what I have or not in life - so I wont bore you with it - I understand enough to know that none of that is the fundamental core/cause of how I perceive or feel about myself.

    That is why thoughts of suicide have gone on so long and continue to increase, because although I've managed to get this far, I've either always had or increasingly developed the belief that I am worthless, abnormal, wasting other's time or that I hate myself.

    That last one is unbearable to live with....

    And I genuinely cant bear it any longer - I used to be a joy to be around, social and outgoing, now I'm an anti-social misery with agoraphobic traits.

    I genuinely feel I would be better off dead and I am heartbroken that I have no other solution.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    What about giving your medications some time to work.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum. Ssris's can take up to 6 weeks to work so please do give them a chance. I hope you beging to see the light soon and things get easier, we are here to support you in this, you are not alone.
  4. AnonymousLoser

    AnonymousLoser New Member

    Thanks, to be honest I came home and felt quite intense and desperate about progressing things sooner rather than later.... I feel a lot calmer now.
    Perhaps writing helped, perhaps a bit of time helped, perhaps I found a temporary distraction watching some of the Euros matches.

    I think I huge part of the intensity was accepting there is an issue because now it has been discussed - before, although it has been eating me up I could deny it as nobody was aware of it.

    6 weeks seems like a long time for medication to lift my mood, but I'm sceptical as to how that will affect my thoughts.
    I cant speak for everyone who feels suicidal but it feels like the road back from this is long, rocky, uphill and steep - I mean its taken 11yrs to reach this point and I wasnt even trying.

    How long will this take knowing it requires effort and fight that I feel I dont possess?
    I feel like I've lost battle already... maybe that's where the feeling of despair stems from
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I do agree that 6 weeks is a long time to wait, BUT some doctors will prescribe meds that work in minutes like benzodiazepines like xanax, valium or ativan etc.. they can lift your mood fast but be careful they are very addictive and tolerance builds up fast. I am on valium and its a miracle drug but currently in the process of coming off it as have been on it years but I guess it could be an option if you find it hard to wait the 6 weeks, either way I hope all works out.

    Write things out, plans days ahead of time, do exercise and eat healthily and you will notice a difference.
    You have NOT lost this battle already, think positively :)
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