Suicide... "so what's the big deal"?? Confused!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Calico, Mar 21, 2012.

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  1. Calico

    Calico Member

    Okay, so this is my first post, so please be gentle :)

    I think I've probably been depressed since my early teens... I'm now 40.. *eek*!!
    Diagnosed as Borderline, have had problems with an ED (anorexia) and also self-harming.

    I guess I've always had self-harming tendencies, but it's only lately that these thoughts have become more concrete and I'm actively thinking about how I could actually end it all.

    I suppose people see me as intelligent and alright to be with... I've gone back to school to get my nursing degree and really don't like my classmates! Virtually none of them... which confuses/saddens/frustrates me, I just find most of them incredibly immature and superficial, plus none of them seem to want to spend any time with me or get to know me. I guess the feeling's mutual... :)

    I know the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is often criticised because shrinks stick to people like a label when they're not sure what to say... thing is, it pretty much fits me like a glove.
    Life feels so empty at times, we're all gonna die anyway, right? And you can't take your memories with you. I also feel I don't really have the right to be happy like others do... Being happy kind of scares me, because I don't think I know how.

    Anyway, suicide... what's the big deal? Why does it freak everyone out so much? If I want to end my life (after all, I didn't ask to be born), why can't I just do it? Why this hanging on to life with such desperation?

    Also the mental health services here REALLY SUCK. I refuse to go to the public mental health services because they've treated me so badly in the past. When I told the psych I was considering suicide she actually JOKED about it... So why are lay people so up in arms about people choosing to end their lives, while the mental health services seem to treat it so lightly. I've shared these thoughts with other psychiatrists, and they were like, yeah, whatever. I mean, jeez, don't you give a f*ck??? I am suffering and no-one seems to give a damn.

    And my ED is coming back... kind of happy about that, although I know it's wrong. But it's like my dirty little secret and source of power that no-one can take away.

    This seems like a wonderful, intelligent forum, and you all seem really supportive. Hugs xx
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi sorry the professionals are not listening to you or hearing your pain They are not the right ones to be talking too I do hope you take some time to find a caring professional one that does listen. I agree with you we all have the chose to stay or go no one can take that choice from us but it is the after effects it leaves on others that just does not sit right We are suffering we are in great pain and to suicide would only pass on that pain to others but by learning to cope with our pain to get past it we will teach others it can be done hugs
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Calico, very pleased to meet you. I had my first breakdown at 15 and have had 2 more since, the last was a serious attempt from which I was rescued. I know it was THP that rescued me, but maybe that's a bit too much for a first reply.
    (THP - The Higher Power).
    I understand about psychologists and psychiatrists being like an ashtray on a motorbike......... they hardly scratch the surface. I feel for them, in a job where they have to pretend they are competent and all the while, feeling inadequate. No matter how many medical degrees they have, they still are unable to get inside a person's heart. Like you say, labels are far too easy to stick onto people - and when they're given them, it's not always helpful. It's sort of a 'negative' definition. 'Gosh, so this is what I am?'??? And it can become something we believe and then act out.

    I self-harmed once at 15, still have the scar. It seemed a very weird thing to do at the time. I also had an ED - so you will find people on the forum here who all try to help each other with their similar (or different) experiences and who are here to try to offer some insights and support.

    What's the big deal about suicide? Good question. One answer is that it's not generally accepted or known what awaits on the other side.... there is no guarantee it's the right way to get what you need.
    Hugs back too xx
    You Are Precious
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I'd like to give one opinion in reply and answer to that. My son committed suicide. He was 18 years old. You are 40, so not a child as he was... but you're still somebody's son, somebody's brother, somebody's uncle, somebody's friend. People tend to care about one another, especially their own family and friends. They care because they have feelings of love for that other person and they know that suicide is a permanent solution often to a temporary problem. Beyond that, and I can attest to this as being an absolute fact, the pain that we feel when we lose a child, a parent, a friend, a brother, a sister, an uncle or an aunt (etc., etc.)... it is unbearable. The pain that someone feels when they choose to commit suicide is at least the same as that we who are left behind feel for our loss.

    Why do some of us care about total strangers in a situation like this? In my case, I would not wish what I have to live with every day upon even my worst enemy.

    I hope this sheds some light as to the thoughts behind the reply to your question.

    Don't leave anyone behind to feel as horrible as I do every moment of every day... and for the rest of my life.
  5. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    Hi Calico and welcome to SF, I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need from the "professionals", but I think UrPrecious hit the nail on the head when it comes to therapists. A degree in psychology doesn't grant a magical key to unlock a persons deepest thoughts, which is what I think most people who go into psychology expect will happen when they start in that field and quickly become jaded when they fail to make any real headway with people. I think it's especially difficult when they haven't experienced what they're trying to treat for themsevles; that's why I like to say "you are your best therapist".

    Pickwithaustin set a very good example of why suicide is far from trivial and always a big deal. While your life may seem insignificant and meaningless to yourself it's the opposite to the people who love you. In ending your pain you are creating a sense of loss that your loved ones must bear everyday which is at least as terrible and painful than anything you have ever felt, maybe more.

    I'm not critcising or incriminating anyone who chooses to end their lives because I believe it's an absolute right, but there are terrible consequences that come with excercising that right which you can't even start to comprehend until you're in Pickwithaustin's position, or someone like him/her. Therefore while suicide may seem like a logical solution it is never an informed decision, thus why it is so heavily discouraged.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2012
  6. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hi Calico, glad to have you here at SF. I can understand not getting along with people if they are immature and superficial. That's the opposite of what I am too, so I can understand how you feel. But you can always find friends that you have things in common with and get along with. I'm sorry that therapists haven't been very kind to you...they should be more understanding and helpful. Suicide is a big deal because it's the ending of someone's life, and it will affect lots of people. It can be very painful and hard to get over...I know because someone close to me killed themselves. I just want you to know that I care and I wouldn't want anything bad happening to you. I hope you continue to post because we are all here to listen. :hug:
  7. Calico

    Calico Member

    This is just a quick reply 'cos I have to go out... I would really like to reply to you all personally later.

    In the meantime, just wanted to say I am overwhelmed by the incredible kindness and support given here on the forum, so glad I found you all :)

    It's sunny here today!!! That's something, right?? ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) to all xx
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