Well I’m just out of the hospital from my most recent attempt. I discovered that when I’m trying to kill myself it feels like a need like being hungry feels. When the need to die comes on I just start to try anything to satisfy it. Like when you are hungry you go to the cabinets or refrigerator looking for anything to eat. I had talked to my therapist the previous day when after some testing I discovered my planned method wasn’t going to work. She is really nice and trusting and didn’t send the police at that point. A more nervous therapist certainly would ratted me out to the police. However, the need to die didn’t go away and by evening I was ODing. In the morning called my therapist again because I confused as to why I was feeling it was now time to go. Since I had at this point taken enough to lead to liver failure she was very concerned. She really didn’t have the option of calling the police as I’m an airline employee and was at the airport at the time. One plan I had was to get on a flight and finish the job while in the air. I agreed to talk to her again on the phone a few hours later. I went to a movie but continued to take the tablets. I had realized that I had miscalculated probably didn’t have enough tablets so after the movie I went to a store to buy 100 more. By the time I talked to my therapist I had come to realize that I was no long in control of myself and had pretty much decided to turn myself in at the hospital ER. My therapist continuously told me I was making the right decision and that I had come a log way over the years (10 years therapy and over a dozen 5150s, invol. psych hospitalizations) and going to the ER was a sign of strength not weakness (I always feel that ending up in the ER is a clear demonstration of how weak and ineffectual I am). While making the 20 min. bike ride to the ER decided I might as well finish off the 1st bottle of tablets. It seemed weird to do so but on the other hand I was “hungry” so I continued to “eat”. I think if I had more time on the bike I would gotten in to the second bottle. The bike ride was pleasant and taking more table seemed a nice complement to the ride. The ER and ICU personnel were great. I think they have been well trained to be non-judgmental. With one exception they have always handled my suicide attempts and NSSI in a very professionally and non-judgmentally. Since it had been sometime since my OD I didn't nave to do the charcoal. I did however have to take multiple does of the antidote. (In the US they administer the antidote orally - boy it smells, drink it fast with a chaser - not intravenously as in the UK and Europe. It has powerful laxative effects. I felt like i was prepping for a colonoscopy) One thing they don’t do well is explain what is going on, what are going to be the sequence of events and who is going to do what. Example the first thing they are going to do in get/ensure you are medically stable. Once that is done then a psychiatrist will then evaluate your mental state to determine if a psych hold is necessary or not. You are going to have to tell you story numerous time to different people (ER triage nurse, ER doctor, ER psych consulting doctor, etc.) which I find annoying but try to remind myself it’s just their job. When staff shift changes occur you may have to repeat you story. Being repeatedly asked, “Do you feel like hurting yourself?” is so annoying. Well duh I’m trying to kill myself other wise I would be there. They don’t generally tell you what is going to happen and that is off putting. Since I’m somewhat of a “Frequent Flyer” I know the drill and understand how the game is played. So while annoying I don’t get all bent out of shape. I try to just go with the flow. Fighting them will only make your situation worse. You have to realize it’s not a level playing field. You won’t win by being uncooperative and fighting no matter how bad you feel at the moment. The problem I having is I still want to be dead. I can’t say I have anything to live for. I don’t have a desire to live. So having said that why did I go to the ER? I don’t want to be mean and letting the tablets take their course would have been mean to my therapist since trusted me. I just don’t understand people and their non-work related relationships. To those of you who attempted suicide and discovered it was the wrong decision I’m glad you are here to understand that revelation. For those of us who tried suicide and feel by still being alive that we’ve failed by I’m reminded of what Dr. Drew says to addicts “Get a sponsor and just follow their direction.” His exhortation to me equates to “Get a good therapist and follow their directions”. I think we who are suicidal are also not in control just like addicts are not in control of their disease. Sorry for such a long post but need to convey how I feel about my most recent suicide attempt.