I fight suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I am not afraid to die. What I am afraid of is dying and not being able to say goodbye. To die and leave so many good things unsaid. I want to control whether I ultimately live or die. What I would have liked to do is die with an illness, so that I could have told people I love them and maybe, just maybe, felt that love back. I know that people love me, but I can't feel. I want to be able to feel! I want to feel happiness!. But I just don't think I like life. I don't think I ever have liked life. Well this was just too much of a ramble. thank you for reading.