Suicide, the ultimate control?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Danialla, Dec 21, 2013.

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  1. Danialla

    Danialla Well-Known Member

    I fight suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I am not afraid to die. What I am afraid of is dying and not being able to say goodbye. To die and leave so many good things unsaid. I want to control whether I ultimately live or die. What I would have liked to do is die with an illness, so that I could have told people I love them and maybe, just maybe, felt that love back. I know that people love me, but I can't feel. I want to be able to feel! I want to feel happiness!. But I just don't think I like life. I don't think I ever have liked life. Well this was just too much of a ramble. thank you for reading.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There is no control in dying - everybody will eventually - so it is not really a choice. As somebody that is ill and has been for some time I can tell you that is the ultimate in lack of control or choice - then suicide is a thought to try to seize back control by saying it will be today instead of next month or next spring or whatever but then you figure out how ludicrous it is to say i will "beat this" by making it happen sooner - and after th efirst week or two of being sick most everybody avoids you like the plague because they do not know what to say so it is easier to just avoid you so they do not need to say anything - that idea does not play out in reality near as well as it does in your mind I can assure you.

    When you die, by whatever happens, suicide, illness, accident - there will be many many things left unsaid and the fact you want to say things and have people you want to say them to means clearly you have stuff left to live for. The only way to say as much a possible, tell people everything that needs to be said , and experience love is to continue living as long as possible.
  3. TomB

    TomB Member

    Find some hobbies lol, you sound like your bored rather than suicidal. Its so strange,I was feeling so suicidal for the last couple of months, and now all of the sudden for no reason at all I think I want to live. I wonder what could have happened...

    Ohh wait, I haven't had anything to eat in 7 days now , and now that I can feel my body start slowly shutting down, a desire to fight and live has emerged... what a strong sensation.... I am barely able to walk at this point, but this desire to live is almost as if something taken out of a great romantic novel about nature\life and how resistant life is.

    I'm also rambling, sorry thread hijack.
  4. Danialla

    Danialla Well-Known Member

    Thank you jump master. Sorry Tom B, I do have a lot to live for, I have a job that I love, a great family, everything to live for so to speak. So why do I fight suicidal thoughts, why do I want that ultimate control? Maybe because I feel I have no control. Life goes on around me but I can't feel it. I do enjoy my job, but as soon as I leave those feelings are gone. I love my family but when they are away they are gone to me. It is like nothing exists to me but the need to feel. I don't feel anything, good, bad, indifferent. I have bought the ultimate control yesterday.......... Just afraid I will use........ Yep, maybe I should take up crossword puzzles.

    Sorry for my sarcasm.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2013
  5. MisterBGone


    Go get help. You mean much to many. It's time to feel fine yourself. Depression can be numbing. And you can beat it. But sometimes it just takes a hand.
  6. dannyboy86

    dannyboy86 Active Member

    Hey Danialla,
    I have not posted here in a long time but your thread caught my eye. I really feel that I can relate to you in that we both suffer from suicidal ideation/thinking on a daily basis. And I like you DO fight these thoughts but sometimes they attack like a virus attacks a white blood cell. Sometimes they become so overwhelming and your biggest fear is that your going to loose control and hurt yourself. Please fight back. While I respect your free agency as an individual, You would be excersizing your free-will in an irrational way if you choose to die. I could be wrong here, because alot of rational thought can go into an act that most people would pass off as "irrational"

    I just want to let you know that I understand. I am here for you. I understand calling hotlines and getting no help. I understand the desperation. I understand the Illness in your mind that is trying to talk you into suicide. But you need to fight that feeling. Your life may end up being amazing, give it a chance. Suicide is a FINAL decision. Its really the most important decision you will ever make,

    I hope this has been of some comfort to you, Knowing that me, a fellow friend, read your thread and DOES care.

    Happy Holidays.
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