Suicide thoughts

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Qqq, Aug 28, 2013.

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  1. Qqq

    Qqq New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I'm not a native speaker.

    I have come to a point where I think that there could not be any way for me to be happy.

    For the past 4 years I worked like hell to go to a good college. I worked so hard that I didn't have any time to spend with my friends. So I lost them. I didn't have any time for a girlfriend either.

    3 years ago, I spoke with my father. I told him that I needed to see him more (he was always working) to feel like he and I had a father to son connection.
    He laughed at me and said "I'm busy, go away". Now, I don't have any kind of relationship with my father anymore. I consider him as a stranger that gives me enough money to buy some food to eat and some clothes. He considers me as some idiot that waste his time.

    Today, I went onto an argument with my mother and she did something that... I can't find the word to describe what I felt. She said she hated me, that she didn't want to see me anymore and she hit me in the face. Plus, she said she didn't want me to come at her birthday (which is on this sunday).

    So, I have no friends, no girlfriend and my family (the thing that mattered the most to me because I thought they would always support me) just rejected me. I have one week left at home before going into my school and I don't think I will ever see them again. They said they didn't want to see me ever again, in fact.

    I just don't get it : I've always tried to do well. It's not the first time I think like suicide is the solution. But I've always fought that feeling of despair, believing that, one day, things will get better. But it just gets worse and worse.

    My family, my relationship with my father and my mother... I'm a very emotionnal person so it's like everything I have is destroyed piece by piece. I don't see any way those relationship can be fixed and they are the most important thing to me.

    My thought of suicide comes from one fact : I can't see any way to improve my situation, I feel like it's going to be like that for ever. And in fact it has been like that for 6 years.

    It's not something like being bullied at school : you can escape and go somewhere else. It's my family ! I can't replace them ! It's like a big hole has been dug into my heart, like a part of me is missing. The worst thing is that I'm angry at them. I'm bitter.
    Everyday, she yells at me even if I do everything well. She complains everyday, explaining to me how dumb I am, she tells me things like "you bastard, you will never be able to get a job, you are a huge pain in the ass, you are not worth anything,..." all day long since I was born. I can not stand her anymore. She used to slap me and to hit me but as I grew older and stronger she could not do it anymore. She has a nasty influence on my life. She makes me feel depressed.
    But despite all, she is my mother and I love her. I have nothing else.

    So I don't see how things could change.

    A few years ago, I was bullied and I thought of suicide.
    I solved the problem by learning how to defend myself and the thoughts of suicide disappeared. But this time, I can not escape this. Knowing my family hates me broke something inside me. But I did everything they wanted me to do ! I tried so hard to be a good son. And now they hate me. I can not forget about this by going to live some where else.

    I have no relationship with anyone and no human connection with anyone anymore. I'm used to feeling lonely. But knowing that I have no one in my life but some people who hates me (my family) is too much for me.

    I can not flee this, I can not fight this, it's just something that is the way it is and I don't think I could be able to live with it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Qqq i am sorry your family is so toxic and outright cruel to you. I too come from a toxic family and i know how painful and lonely you must feel. Please know hun know there is a way out ok they say these things in anger because they themselves are not well they are ill ok. You hun need to move out away from them and make a safe haven for yourself
    In time you will find others to help you move forward You call your doctor you talk to a professor at your school a councilor and your reach out to people who do care.
    Keep talking here ok we care and we will not judge you or harm you
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