Suicide thoughts.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GreenChick, Aug 16, 2008.

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  1. GreenChick

    GreenChick Active Member

    I can't sleep. It's amost 5 am, and I've been up since 3. I just grabbed about an hour of sleep before. I have a lot on my mind.

    I tried suicide in May. <mod edit: resistance - methods> Ended up in the hospital when I told my clinician about it. (i was going to group therapy that was totally useless at the time- I told the group leader about the attempt) I went in voluntarily to the pcych unit but then made a suicide attempt on the unit and got caught (< mod edit-methods> they found me, I was barely concious at that point.)

    But anyway, they sent me up to the committed floor, and that was scary. There were chairs bolted down to the floor, and people screaming all hours of the day and night....

    Well, I was on a really big manic high last week, flying, feeling great. Then I crashed a few days ago. I have been feeling really depressed. Today,<mod edit: resistance - methods > I stopped in time (obviouslly) But I just noticed that I have bruises on my throat. I'm seeing my parents tomorrow and will have to hide those with make-up....

    I told a friend, he made me promise I wouldn't kill myself without calling him first. Problem is, he hardly ever answers his phone. So I found this forum and I thought I'd post.

    I'm sorry if I seem flippant.It's covering up some very real fear. A big part of me doesn't want to die. Another part of me does. Deep down, I want to fight this. I'm just afraid I'll end up in a body bag.

    Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated- feel free to e-mail me or pm.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2008
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I wounder, we are all depressed in here and all that but
    every singel one of us have a reason about why he is the way he is.
    I bet you have one too, and i wounder if you will share it with us?
    And if you dont mind, will you share some info like how old r u and r u m\f?
  3. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    Its totally normal to feel the way you do. But you need another way to express your pain instead of trying to hang yourself. You gotta keep fighting for a better way to live. I would pm you but im using a shit mobile at the moment.
  4. GreenChick

    GreenChick Active Member

    I think my problem is mostly the bipolar, but God knows I've been through enough shit to last a lifetime. Stiill, my situation is not worse than many other people I know.

    I am a woman age 32. Yes, 32, recent birthday and have so little so show for it. It is very depressing.

    I know I shouldn't keep trying to commit suicide. It's hard though. Seems like the years go by, but the struggle doesn't go away. I've also tried pills and other things. I guesse I"m on a hanging kick, but its not the method, its the result.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2008
  5. GreenChick

    GreenChick Active Member

    I was just reading this over, and I am hoping that I don' come across as being cavalier or uncaring about the whole thing. It's kind of a defensive mechanism. I'm reallyactually a bit shaken, struggling to fight for my life against the depression I'm feeling, looking for reasons to hold on. I did promise my friend I would call him before doing anything irrevocable.

    I could just use some extra support right now.
  6. Mainax

    Mainax Active Member

    Well support is what this forums here for :)
    There are alot of caring people here who will gladly help you anyway they can.

    I personally know the feeling of wanting to die, yet not wanting to,although our circumstances are different.
    But as someone said to me once before, something must be holding you here otherwise you wouldn't have attempted to commit suicide again, and if that thing makes you happier, you really should cling onto it.
    This friend you mentioned, he/she really must care for you, else they wouldn't ask for you to contact them when you have these thoughts.
    Try and imagine how they'd feel or blame themselves if you did go through it
  7. GreenChick

    GreenChick Active Member

    I worry about that. he is a strong guy with a great support system, though he is also bipolar. I know he'd be ok...but worries me.

    I don't have many people I have spoken to about this stuff. I have friends I want to tell (oh, not tell everything but just tell that I struggle with suicide) but I'm afraid to. What if they think I'm nuts?

    I do feel ambivalent. There are things about life I love, just not when I am depressed. I feel hopeless too at the same time, because I've been struggling for years and if it hasn't gotten better so far, when will it? I hate being bipolar, I just hate it. :sad:

    I want to hurt myself but at the same time, on some level, I am afraid and just want to yell "Help! Help! Someone help me!" that must be the part that wants to live. The abyss is so attractive at the same time. But also scary. Maybe its all the brainwashing I got as a kid about hell. I went to a really hellfire and brimstone church. I remember it being drilled into my head that suicide was a straight leap into a firey pit. I dont really believe that....but I guess it still scares me a little.

    I am committed to trying to live for now. But its hard. Thank you, and any support that could be given is very, very appreciated, and will be paid back if I can......
  8. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Ms. Green. The first thing I wonder is if you're taking medication for bipolar. The second is if you're talking with a therapist. I take meds for a number of things, and each one does its job, mostly. Perhaps taking a walk when you're suicidal would help. Or listening to soothing music - maybe a cd that has birds woven into the music, or waves...There's one of the most used safety therapy - deep breathing.

    As to hell...I think that should be the least of your worries. Most (though not all) ministers would tell you that suicide won't send you to hell. With your background, I assume that you know all about getting to heaven. Before I became depressed and suicidal myself, I counselled people that a person who commits suicide is not in a stable frame of mind, mostly due to a mental illness, and therefore aren't completely responsible for their decisions or actions. [I know many would object to this paragraph, but I feel that you will relate to it.]

    So, if your trouble has nothing to do with your eternal soul, I hope you'll find ways to cope with your hurts and enjoy the good times when they come.

    I won't mind if you want to email me.

  9. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    or just say bollocks to everything you have ever believed, everything you see, hear, touch, taste and smell, enjoy a lack of reality (as opposed to sanity) and live your life untill your not.
  10. GreenChick

    GreenChick Active Member

    Well, that's ok. I don't mean to open up a can of worms with the religion thing....I used to be a very committed Christian and am now a very committed agnostic.....but we can get involved with endless discussions about that, so if ya wanta talk about it Jim, we'll do it in e-mail or pm. I can't say I'd like to be responsible for a big religious brawl on the forum (specially not on my first day here :biggrin:

    Thank you both.

    Actually, Jim if you pm me with your email addy I may take you up on your offer. Or is there a way to get it from the site?
  11. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    you definately have some sense when it comes to the religious arguments :biggrin:
  12. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    Can we get back on-topic, as any more religious discussion and I'll have to move this to soapbox. Thanks!
  13. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    That sounds quite scarey being on the committed ward. My biggest fear is ending up in the psych ward.
  14. GreenChick

    GreenChick Active Member

    Being committed is really, really scary.

    That is why I am afraid to talk to my new counselor. I see her twice a month, and I see her on Thursday, but I can't tell her how I really feel or she may try to get me committed. I've only seen her a few times and don't know how she is like in that regard.

    Hospitals are the pits. But, granted, I wouldn't have ended up committed if I hadn't tried to kill myself while already in one.

    I was talking to a friend today. It seems like I don't have the will to commit suicide in one decisive step. Like, pull the trigger on a gun, etc. So I take the roundabout way- take a handful of pills, see if I wake up or not. Use the noose, but struggle free in time. if I don't fully consent to it, if I'm just 'playing the odds' its not suicide, it is an accident, and it isn't my own choosing. Kind of a cop out. I mean, I'd be just as dead.

    The weird thing is, I could have died yesterday. I don't really believe that, but I could've. What if I hadn't been able to struggle free at the last minute?

    The thing is I want to die, I just can't seem to do it.
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Greenchick,
    You really should write down your thoughts. First it will help you get it out in the open so you can scrutinize the thoughts. Second it will assure that you don't forget anything. I loose track of what I am saying. It is very aggrevating. I will be talking then boom I have know idea what I was leading up to.
    Some say it is the meds, well I had this happening to me before I sought out help!! You should sit back and try to figure out what are the triggers that set you off? My self, I think the biggest one is fear!! and all the others revolve around that!!
    Don't be afraid if they say they want you back in the hospital. Tell your therapist you will go if they promise not to send you upstairs again. Being in the hospital is very boring so have someone bring you a couple of books to read....If you need to talk PM me and I will get back to you...
  16. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Hi GreenChick. My Mother has been Bipolar Schizoid Affective for forty years now, her first episode started when I was a baby. She is a little eccentric (and proud of it) but to meet her you could never guess the things she's overcome. She bravely battled her illness in her mid twenties with a baby and a toddler (my Brother) while suffering brutal abuse from my Father and having no effective medication decades ago.

    She turned to alcohol for years to handle my Father, attempted suicide, was hospitalized dozens of times (usually after having been found and restrained by the police) and suffered terrible effects (excessive sedation, Tardive Dyskinesia) of the only medications available to keep her symptoms manageable.

    Why is she so happy and symptom free today? Aside from the proper medications she is tough, SCARY tough. She's also full of passion for her volunteer activities, her friends, AA meetings and her church. She's also very loved, wherever I go with her several people will yell "Hey, Rosie!" (Rosemary).

    I hope her story can be of some help to you.
  17. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    its a dark place ur in , stick with this forum and let it all out , u say a part of u doesnt want to die , keep talking hun and hopefully that part will get bigger

    take care

    jo :hug:
  18. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    One thing good about this forum you can just about say anything and you can't be committed!! The worst that can happen is that your message gets edited. I was on one board and the administrators emailed me a list of people that could help.
  19. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Greenchick. Please don't try and hang yourself again. It's really an awful way to die and can cause brain damage or paralysis if it goes wrong. I don't think you really want to die. I think you want an end to living with bipolar disorder. I know that it can be really difficult during the low phase. But you have to try hard and be strong. I believe in God as well and I don't believe that we're meant to die at our own hands. I know life can be very hard with bipolar disorder. But death is not the answer. You can beat this. :hug:
  20. GreenChick

    GreenChick Active Member

    I don't know Dave. I know (or at least I've been told) that hanging is very painful, but I feel like I deserve it.

    When I choked myself on Friday, it was VERY painful, and that was a small amount of pressure compared to an actual hanging. It hurt my head, my eyes, my face, my throat, I thought my head would explode. But I felt like I deserved it. I wasn't sure on Friday, I wanted to 'test the waters.' so I rigged it up so I could wriggle free. I still feel like I deserve the pain.

    But yes, I know, you are right.
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