So my current break from depression was mid-november to mid-december. with major cutting in between. i can't handle this constant ping pong affect, anymore. the cutting urges continue, the binge drinking urges, the laying in the road urge, and of course the bloody suicide urge. but i'm not suicidal....just inundated with destructive urges. i can't talk with my family because they think i emotionally manipulate them for money; that i blackmail them with suicide if they don't give me money. suicide isn't an option, but damn if i don't feel blue. i hate that everyone on this board is in one stage of a crisis. i don't know what i'd do if anyone here killed themselves this month. just writing to prevent any stupid behavior right now. i have about 8 pounds in my bank account, no credit card, and bills are due in two weeks with no job. that's annoying. i was turned down by a temporary staffing agency wtf? that annoys me and stresses me out. we suffer through depressive moods to screw us over, then when coming out of depression we see the devastating effects of it and feel blue again. shitty cycle. i hate myself right now. :depressed -James.