I know mental illness is theoretically an "illness" like any other, but honestly most people do not view it as the same kind of thing. You can tell, because they roll their eyes when you continue to have problems.
It is hard for people who have not suffered mental health problems to understand. I'm sure you have tried this, or something similar, but have you tried printing stuff off the web, or getting other literature, and trying to teach them what it is like to live with it? Also, maybe it is still worth trying to talk to them about how bad you feel and how you need their support, that you are trying as hard as you can and you need their help. If talking is hard, maybe try writing a letter.
I have tried so many meds I can't list them and seen a pdoc for over a decade. Nothing seems to help.. or if it does, it is only for such a short amount of time that the crash ends up making things even worse than before.
Have you tried things like being inpatient? Or a therapeutic community? I'm not sure if they have those where you are, but they might do and it might be worth looking into them. The crash can be painful and hard, but the relief in between should remind you that there is better there than you are feeling right now. You just have to try to keep fighting to get the happier life that you deserve.
The bits that hurt worst are the isolation and feeling of absolute lack of purpose in my life.
Have you tried joining support groups? That might help you meet some people with similar problems, which might help the isolation. Also, maybe you might be able to join some clubs and try to find people with similar interests just to meet some new people. Also, hopefully, being part of SF helps you to feel less isolated in a way because many people here can relate to you. I know I certainly can. Maybe it might help you to try and get to know some more people on here.
Maybe for your lack of purpose you could try and do something that is purposeful. Maybe you could do volunteer work. That is full of purpose and might help you find something you want to fight for.
That combined with the history of absolutely stupid, horrible behaviour.
Everyone looks back on their life and sees things, often many things, that they wish they had not done, or had done differently. Maybe if you could see you have learnt from whatever it was that you did, it might help you to move forward. Maybe you could make a spider diagram with the things you wish you had done differently/not done, on, and then linking off those you could put the things you have learnt from each individual incident. It puts a positive spin on mistakes, because every one makes mistakes, and sometimes it really hurts to think about them, but if you can see the positive from a mistake, that might help.
I do not want to be writing this kind of post in another decade.
I'm sure you don't honey, and I hope you aren't. I hope that in a decade you have found a way to move forward from this horrible illness and and are living a happier life.
There is no better. I have realised that if I had a magic wand, I would no longer know what to wish for.
There is always better. No one has the perfect life. And you can have better too. If you want it. But killing yourself won't get it. Maybe you could look for something positive each day that might make that day more bearable, or better.
It's good that you don't know what to wish for, it means that you can be/do anything you want. You can achieve anything you want if you keep fighting until you get there. Do you have a passion? Or an aim? a talent? or something you enjoy? Maybe you could focus on something like that just to give you something to work towards.
I am still so wanting to cut, to harm myself - its so overwhelming. I have tried to take some meds to settle down.. I am just so FRUSTRATED and TIRED of this!
Well done for continuing to fight. That's terrific. Have you tried pinging yourself with an elastic band, or holding ice? Or screaming into a pillow? Or drawing on yourself with a non toxic pen?
Keep fighting
