Suicide vs SI

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kaysha, Apr 8, 2007.

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  1. Kaysha

    Kaysha Antiquitie's Friend

    I don't really know what to say. I want to die - I have an ache that cannot be communicated to anyone. I have been thinking of SI instead. It's been ages since I've done that. I am 36 and I mainly cut during my 20s. I have the scars and know the problems they cause. BUT I seek a violent death. No painless slipping away. Perhaps that's why I think SI tonight may help.

    I have done everything practical to make sure I don't leave the house and drive where I could destroy myself. Changed where I put the keys, put my pjs on but I feel so desperate. I am SOOOO alone.

    People in my life just seem to be of the opinion that they can't do anything to stop me - which is true and I agree that any decision I make is my own. But that does not make me feel any less isolated.


    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 8, 2007
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    You do sound desperate, and it is great that you have reached out for help.

    Is there any particular reason why tonight is so bad?

    It is true that it is your choice and people can't REALLY stop you, BUT they can be there to support you and help you fight. Is there anyone that you can call? If not a friend then someone like the samaritans or a similar crisis line? Or maybe get someone to come round?

    You could try going to hospital to talk to someone. That might also get you some more help and support than you currently have.

    Do you have any professional support? like a therapist or anything?

    Hang in there and keep talking. Maybe go into chat if you can (If you're not in there already).

    Take care of yourself
  3. Kaysha

    Kaysha Antiquitie's Friend

    Thanks for your reply Scum...

    There really is noone re: friends and family. My family are actually at an Easter gathering. It was thought best by me not to attend as I would probably get upset and I don't want to cause problems for my niece and nephew who are young.

    There are crisis lines and I have a pdoc but I feel like I have been on this endless cycle for so long that I could give them their advice for them. It sounds great in theory, BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE AWAY THE PAIN.....

  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Do you want to tell us about your pain? what hurts so much?

    With regards to crisis lines, sometimes when someone is in crisis all it takes is for someone to listen to you. Maybe that's what you need to help you tonight.
  5. Kaysha

    Kaysha Antiquitie's Friend

    Its so complicated re: what hurts. Life hurts and has done for so long now I am tired and so frustrated. Everyone is tired of me being unwell - causing more and more isolation. There are so many issues.

    I don't know that talking about things with someone who doesn't know me would be helpful tonight. I am doing everything I can not to think about a lot of things...

    Its really just a case of making a decision one way or another or another. At this stage noone knows my situation better than me to decide what course of action is most appropriate???
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Feeling like life hurts is awful Are there any bits that hurt worse than others? Are there any bits that are better than others?

    You are ill honey. People would not get tired of someone with diabetes, and this is no different. Have you talked to them about you feeling they are tired of you? Really they should be seeing that you are fighting so hard and they should be proud of you for that.

    Can I ask, what have you tried in way of meds and therapy to try and make things better? There is always something else to try, somewhere else to find that hope of things getting better. Do you feel that your psych helps?

    It's necessarily just as easy as making the decision one way or another. If you kill yourself you lose all chance of hope. But if you stay alive, you keep that hope alive, sure, the option for suicide still remains, but if you keep fighting and looking for different things that might help, then the option of suicide may no longer seem like an option.

    Hang in there
  7. Kaysha

    Kaysha Antiquitie's Friend

    I know mental illness is theoretically an "illness" like any other, but honestly most people do not view it as the same kind of thing. You can tell, because they roll their eyes when you continue to have problems.

    I have tried so many meds I can't list them and seen a pdoc for over a decade. Nothing seems to help.. or if it does, it is only for such a short amount of time that the crash ends up making things even worse than before.

    The bits that hurt worst are the isolation and feeling of absolute lack of purpose in my life. That combined with the history of absolutely stupid, horrible behaviour. I do not want to be writing this kind of post in another decade. There is no better. I have realised that if I had a magic wand, I would no longer know what to wish for.

    I am still so wanting to cut, to harm myself - its so overwhelming. I have tried to take some meds to settle down.. I am just so FRUSTRATED and TIRED of this!

    Thanks for being around, Scum.
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It is hard for people who have not suffered mental health problems to understand. I'm sure you have tried this, or something similar, but have you tried printing stuff off the web, or getting other literature, and trying to teach them what it is like to live with it? Also, maybe it is still worth trying to talk to them about how bad you feel and how you need their support, that you are trying as hard as you can and you need their help. If talking is hard, maybe try writing a letter.

    Have you tried things like being inpatient? Or a therapeutic community? I'm not sure if they have those where you are, but they might do and it might be worth looking into them. The crash can be painful and hard, but the relief in between should remind you that there is better there than you are feeling right now. You just have to try to keep fighting to get the happier life that you deserve.

    Have you tried joining support groups? That might help you meet some people with similar problems, which might help the isolation. Also, maybe you might be able to join some clubs and try to find people with similar interests just to meet some new people. Also, hopefully, being part of SF helps you to feel less isolated in a way because many people here can relate to you. I know I certainly can. Maybe it might help you to try and get to know some more people on here.

    Maybe for your lack of purpose you could try and do something that is purposeful. Maybe you could do volunteer work. That is full of purpose and might help you find something you want to fight for.

    Everyone looks back on their life and sees things, often many things, that they wish they had not done, or had done differently. Maybe if you could see you have learnt from whatever it was that you did, it might help you to move forward. Maybe you could make a spider diagram with the things you wish you had done differently/not done, on, and then linking off those you could put the things you have learnt from each individual incident. It puts a positive spin on mistakes, because every one makes mistakes, and sometimes it really hurts to think about them, but if you can see the positive from a mistake, that might help.

    I'm sure you don't honey, and I hope you aren't. I hope that in a decade you have found a way to move forward from this horrible illness and and are living a happier life.

    There is always better. No one has the perfect life. And you can have better too. If you want it. But killing yourself won't get it. Maybe you could look for something positive each day that might make that day more bearable, or better.

    It's good that you don't know what to wish for, it means that you can be/do anything you want. You can achieve anything you want if you keep fighting until you get there. Do you have a passion? Or an aim? a talent? or something you enjoy? Maybe you could focus on something like that just to give you something to work towards.

    Well done for continuing to fight. That's terrific. Have you tried pinging yourself with an elastic band, or holding ice? Or screaming into a pillow? Or drawing on yourself with a non toxic pen?

    Keep fighting
  9. lost_it

    lost_it Member

    Kaysha, I know its hard to find a purpose in life. I am feeling very much the same and also have had chronic illness for a long time. It really dose iscolate you in SO many ways and you do indeed feel like you would rather be some place else. All I can say is just talk to people. Talk to me. PM me, I would love to chat about it.

    There are a lot of people here to talk to.
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