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Suicide wants me dead.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Angelo_91, Apr 17, 2009.

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  1. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    There is no equality. This place is just a temporary escape. Suicide wants me dead. I can't stand myself everyday. I hate myself. Im drenched, I am some different creature. I don't belong on this fucking planet. Many people have places in the world despite feelings, I feel my place is to be alone or better off dead. I am going straight with my emotions no more fucking running away from it. I am just so hollow inside. If I could have anything right now, I would take death. Do I sound pessimistic to you? Will you try to pretend to make me feel better? It is as if no matter how much effort I put into running away from this thought, I end up here like this, in this state of mind. It doesn't even matter if I tell myself Ill be better tomorrow or do something to take my mind off this, I just end up back in this. It doesn't even matter if someone comes to take care of me. I am selfish, I will want more and be let down more. Times keep changing, no explanation can be said to explain myself. I am fighting a battle that is not about winning or losing, it is about changes.

    Some days I feel good, but when my body and mind is put through school, and seeing all these other people, Everything reminds me of how lonely I am and completely different. Sometimes I'd rather be completely alone, so I wouldn't know this feeling of change, this feeling of knowing there is something better out there but it is too late now since Ive already seen it. I sit and have to go through it, just so the world can spin how they want it to. I am deeply afraid of killing myself. But it is the only thing I think about that feels real. The anxiety is overwhelming, my mind just switches shifts to some creature, some fucking thing that closes off everything. Fighting it has been my goal for so long, but I become crushed by how I am still the same. I am seen as that guy, that weirdo. When society gives you two choices: fit in or be alone. What do you choose. Be realistic. I watch them all laugh, knowing it kills me to see something so different. I don't want to be conditioned like this. It hurts to know, you are just you.

    I want this written out, these thoughts. I am different. Suicide wants me so dead. I don't want help from something I hate so much. I dont want peoples care but I want it differently. It kills me to hear people calling something weird or different. What do they know, they can't even define weird, yet they say it. The only thing that has created a pure euphoria of happiness is jamming, playing my bass guitar. But even now I feel so dead. As hard as I dream about changing myself, I can't. People know me as this. I would rather not disrupt their thoughts and come out as that different guy. So I stick to what I know, pretend I am high or a dumbass so they would leave me alone. Let them identify me, so they can pass through.

    I listen to tons of music everyday, maybe that is wrong with me? But then I hear someone say be yourself. Then I do it, to feel like some strong heroic human, but it is fake, it is the outer me. Someone tell me the cure to this. Other than doctors or paid specialist who just try to take your mind off of it. Is that the only cure? to run? to change? How does one change. Some people wish for a better life, but I just wish for it to stop already. It has had enough of me. I just want to disappear without all that emotional feeling that comes with it. I ask for so much, you see how bad that makes me? I try to make friends, it is hopeless. It is like talking to some different thing... trying so hard to understand, but that natural bonding of human will never be there for me. I stopped taking my anti-depressants a month ago, I thought I was changing but I am still me.

    Okay I know letting out these emotions and words won't change really anything. But Ill do it again and again. I have to go back and accept life, even without embracing it. You people don't have to respond but at least click on the topic so I can see this topic has views. It validates me right now. Nothing else does.
  2. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Nobody belongs on this fucking planet that's the beauty of it. Who says you need to be happy all the time, be a certain way? Whats wrong with being as cynical as you are?

    This whole idea of happiness is flawed, what you THINK will make you happy will make you worse, what you think will make you sad could well help you. We humans are annoyingly complicated things. A break-up for example could hurt at the time but later on you realise it was the best loss you could ever hope for.

    PM if you want to talk, I'm not annoyingly feel-good.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm not going to pretend to try and make you feel better. I just wanted you to know that I read your post, and I care. PM me if you ever want to talk (or vent).
  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    You are right, happiness is flawed, well mine is. I get what you mean, but I wish it was that simple. I can go days sometimes, just minding my own business but when I am exposed to school and other peoples dreams, desires, and lives. I am just left there after they leave, alone with the thoughts. I undergo withdrawal from people, from social situations, which is painful. What really gets me is the constant ups and downs in life.

    I just took a 4 hour nap after I posted this ty for replies. I feel sort of better, but I know it is just the bipolar. Ill try again. Ngu.
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