Suicide witness

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by husbsuicide, Jul 4, 2009.

  1. husbsuicide

    husbsuicide Member

    May 18,2009 My husband, while standing 2 ft in front of me pulled out a Ruger Black Hawk 44 mag revolver and shot himself in the head. Please Help. Cant deal with this. How does anyone live with this replay in their head?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum.

    I am so sorry for your loss :( It breaks my heart.

    Have you sought counselling or any professional help? Please,don't try and deal with this alone. There is a lot of help out there :hug:
  3. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    Wow... that is horrible.. :sad: I agree with daisy, please see someone professional about this, you really need to.
    Do you have supportive family and friends around you at this difficult time?
  4. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    husbsuicide, first: Welcome. Second: my sincere condolances. What happened is both horrifying and tragic, and I feel for you. You did not deserve to witness that. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.

    What you are experiencing with this replaying in your mind is part of the symptoms of PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Considering the circumstances, this would be a very normal reaction for you to be having. I'm honestly not sure what to suggest to stop the morbid reminiscing, except to do anything you can to divert your attention. Sometimes just screaming "STOP!" (even if just in your own head) is enough to draw your attention to what you're doing, so that you can divert yourself. Reading, drawing, writing, action movies, loud music and singing... these things help.

    The biggest help you need is to seek therapy to get through the emotions you're feeling connected to this horrific experience. Please seek help.

    My best wishes for you. :hug:
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    i am so sorry to hear about what happened. Witnessing a suicide like this is something that haunts you. You can learn to deal with this, but please do not try to do it alone. You need the support of someone trained to help you deal with the emotional aspects of this trauma. We will halp support you as much as we can, but you will need more than we can offer. Feel free to PM me if you would like. I have been there and understand what this is like. I am still learning to deal with things, The sights, the sound, the smell. My thoughts are with you. :hug:
  6. Nyx

    Nyx Member

    I completely agree. It is a normal reaction for you to be replaying this in your mind, most likely nightmares, disturbing thoughts, continual questions as to WHY!? If you have gotten through this without developing PTSD, I would be amazed. Your body/mind is actually trying to protect you, even though it seems as though it is working against you. It is unable to process the trauma right now, which again, is completely normal.

    I would advice you to seek councelling for this RIGHT AWAY! And I would recommend Cognitive behavioral therapy as the treatment,however it will be up to your psychologist (and a psychologist is someone who I strongly recommend seeing over other types of mental health professionals.) However, you need to find what works for you. You need to find someone who you can trust and you may have to try a number of different types of therapists or therapies. Please don't do this alone. The advice on this forum is good advice, but we are not professionals and what you experienced was an incredibly horrific thing to experience.

    If you can, it might also be worthwhile to check out books on suicide and the "why's" of it, as well as books on PTSD, traumas, and other mental health books. But they may perhaps be a trigger so be careful.

    I am sending you my love and warmth. You are the strongest person alive in my opinion, to keep going on after witnessing such a thing.

    All my love,


    P.S. You could try group therapy as well potentially. And know that no matter how much it may seem so, you are NOT the first person to witness the suicide of their loved one or even specifically husband. Trust me. There is someone else in this world (probably quite a number of them) who have witnessed similar events.
  7. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    my mom went through kind of the same thing
    she saw my grandma dead on the garage floor,
    well, opened the garage to that sight,
    so i guess it's kinda along the same lines.

    my mom checked into her doctor and they perscribed
    her with antidepressants almost immidiately.

    also, they said that it would be good to go to a therapist
    or a consuler or a support group. sometimes it's nice to
    know that other people have been through the same thing.
  8. kyle123

    kyle123 Member

    time..and lots ofhugs
  9. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    Hmm... when I was 8 years old, March 4th 2000, I saw a woman jump off the 11th floor of a towerblock, and got given councellors and the such, none of which helped really. I still get the nightmares today, however, she was a close friend to the family. I know it's not the same as your husband, but she was close to the family, and after 9 years, the feelings of, well whatever I was having back then, they have eased. I guess what I'm trying to say is, time really does heal. I've seen it heal myself, and I know it will heal you too.

    Best wishes, and I'm always here if you wish to talk. Just a pm away.
  10. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    welcoe to the forum, i am sorry for what you've been through. have you sought help from proffesionals for what you've been through? i'm sure you need some form of therapy for experiencing what you did.
    we are here for you and will try our best to help
  11. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry for your pain. :hug:
  12. lost143

    lost143 New Member

    i am very sorry for your loss. i am greatful however to have found this post because i recently had a very similar experience and have yet to find anyone who knows what ive been dealing with. you are the closest i have seen yet. my best friend whom ive known since i was in kindergarten shot himself in the head less than a foot in front of my face as i was looking into his eyes. as a kid i always thought as close as we were we would grow up and get married but as we got older i looked at him as nothing more than my greatest friend, he on the other hand never got the idea out of his head. he loved me like ive never known any body to love me. strangers know who i am because he would talk about me so much i have learned. anyway... the messed up thing is we were both black out drunk at his house after a long new years eve night. i dont remember much but i remember we were play fighting and he accidentally pushed me and my head hit the brick wall. i vaguely remember purposely trying to make him feel bad, i have no idea why and then i dont remember anything for a few hours but we must have continued to argue, something in which we had never done, because when i came out of my blacked out state of mind he said why dont you just leave then? his voice cracked when he said it even, i know he felt bad even saying it. he was still blacked out drunk unfortunately. i said fine and i walked out the door only to realize i had left my coat phone keys and everything else in a friends car earlier so i walked back inside to see him sitting down with a gun in his hand. knowing him as well as i do i know he wasnt planning on anything he was just really drunk and probably playing with it as we stupidly did all the time... but he was very distressed, probably from feeling as bad as he did for us arguing and him yelling at me and whatever other demons were bothering him at the time. being as drunk as i was and the smart ass i now wish i wasnt, i told him "oh yea thats real smart... lets play with a gun while we're shitfaced. hey why dont we play russian roulette while we're at it too?!" without saying anything he angrily unloaded the gun to all but one bullet and i rebuttled in anger as "oh we're really gonna do this? so fucking smart... ill go first then!" and he handed me the gun which i know he would NEVER in his right mind do so i got even angrier and put the gun up to my head and almost squeezed the trigger but for some reason said kyle this is stupid, im not gonna shoot myself like a fucking idiot and before i finished my sentence he grabbed the gun out of my hand and shot himself. i know it happened so quickly but as im sure you could relate, i saw every milisecond of what was going on as if it was minutes long. apparently he had forgotten to spin the revolver which in my state i hadnt noticed either, and when he took the gun i looked into his eyes while trying to scream no and he had a look in his eyes of "fine then ill do it!" just being an asshole to me and as soon as the gun went off his eyes turned from shock to just gone. dead. we stood there for what i thought was minutes but i know it wasnt before his blood started flooding out his body, his knees buckled and he fell on the floor with me. to make it worse we were in his parents house and they ran down the stairs to see him dead and bleeding on the ground. i was screaming so much in my head but i couldnt make any sound. ill never forget his mothers screams, or the way he looked, or the deafness and ringing, or the blood everywhere. the police didnt make it much better by saying wheres the fuckin idiot at when they arrived. he was 11 days short of his 22nd birthday. hes the only person who ever really understood me fully and truly since my grama, whom raised me, died when i was 12. i am completely lost and terrified and dont know what to do anymore. i KNOW its been a year and a couple months now but in my head it still just happened a week ago. i tried going to a therapist and although i liked her very much there was nothing she could do for me. she gave me hope which meant all the world at the time. hope that i would be okay i guess but its just hope, not affirmation. she tried to make me do EMDR which didnt work for me because as she told me i have been dealing with trauma since the day i was born and id have to work through all my emotions and experiences from my entire life before i could process this and considering i learned at a very young age not to feel emotions, it wasnt doing me any good and i stopped going to therapy. i have to pretend every day that im ok and pretend nothing ever happened because no one understands but its haunts me every day and still to this day has not become real in my head. i dont know what to do anymore. therapy didnt help, antidepressants barely helped and im just lost without him. not to mention my entire life changed after that moment. i didnt see the people i used to hang out with anymore, in fact they pretty much shunned me but i think they just dont know how to deal with it themselves or act towards me, the places i hung out at disappeared since i was always at these places with him and found it too depressing to be there anymore. i feel like in an instant something so insensible happened and i then bam i was leading a completely different life. ill stop now as i can ramble about him and my problems for hours on end but i just dont know what to do or if ill ever get rid of this ptsd bullshit i gotta deal with. i wonder if itll ever even become real to me that this happened. and then i worry about how i will react if it does.
    anyway.. it feels good to talk about things since i never do and im sure you never do either. hence the reason we have found ourselves in this forum. i dont know if anyone else can help us heal but i know it eases the mind even for a moment to just type it out so if you ever would like to message me and talk im here. thanks for reading what i had to say as well.