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suicide?

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justmeonlyme

Long Time SFer
Chat Pro
#1
suicide
something i think about a lot...
i no longer know the difference between happy me and suicidal me
is there a difference?
I've been suicidal so long im not sure i know how to not be...
"i can end it whenever i want"
the thought that kept me going so long
the thought that if things got any worse i could just end it
but what now?
things are getting better
yet i still think suicide
i don't understand
im meant to be getting better
better is meant to mean no more suicide thoughts
why are they still there then?
maybe i am meant to just end it
maybe im meant to be gone
maybe im not better
suicide what makes me always come back to this thought
this one word
this one thing that is the diffidence between me being here and me not
suicide probably is my best bet
could i do that though?
could i make it all go away
ive thought about it so long
i dont think in my worst i could have done it
didnt have the focus to make it happen
now? now idk
i think now i could
am i going to?
idk
im so torn i just dont know how to live...
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
ADMIN
#2
First, congratulations and hugs for feeling better!

Changing our thinking patterns is not an overnight process. Until we have really truly integrated the new patterns, we will still drift into the old ones sometimes. The advantage we have when we are doing better is that we are aware that our thinking has gone off track. You seem very aware that you don't want to think about suicide, so I think that's a good sign.

If you have a pdoc/doc/therapist, have you talked to him/her/them about this? Perhaps he/she/they can give you some new coping mechanisms for redirecting your focus when these thoughts occur.
 

Moses

Well-Known Member
#4
I'm with you. I never used to really consider suicide, I was more curious about it, but recently I've been considering it heavily. Something I'm realizing is that this won't go away unless I get help. I have times when I'm really energetic and happy, but it doesn't take long to fall back into my suicidal thoughts. Like what Acy said, you should get help to see if they can help quell your suicidal thoughts

Best of luck to you
 
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