Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by justmeonlyme, Oct 15, 2011.

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  1. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    something i think about a lot...
    i no longer know the difference between happy me and suicidal me
    is there a difference?
    I've been suicidal so long im not sure i know how to not be...
    "i can end it whenever i want"
    the thought that kept me going so long
    the thought that if things got any worse i could just end it
    but what now?
    things are getting better
    yet i still think suicide
    i don't understand
    im meant to be getting better
    better is meant to mean no more suicide thoughts
    why are they still there then?
    maybe i am meant to just end it
    maybe im meant to be gone
    maybe im not better
    suicide what makes me always come back to this thought
    this one word
    this one thing that is the diffidence between me being here and me not
    suicide probably is my best bet
    could i do that though?
    could i make it all go away
    ive thought about it so long
    i dont think in my worst i could have done it
    didnt have the focus to make it happen
    now? now idk
    i think now i could
    am i going to?
    im so torn i just dont know how to live...
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    First, congratulations and hugs for feeling better!

    Changing our thinking patterns is not an overnight process. Until we have really truly integrated the new patterns, we will still drift into the old ones sometimes. The advantage we have when we are doing better is that we are aware that our thinking has gone off track. You seem very aware that you don't want to think about suicide, so I think that's a good sign.

    If you have a pdoc/doc/therapist, have you talked to him/her/them about this? Perhaps he/she/they can give you some new coping mechanisms for redirecting your focus when these thoughts occur.
  3. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    im not sure if i am better though... tonight kinda made me think not...

    i dont see any processionals...
  4. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    I'm with you. I never used to really consider suicide, I was more curious about it, but recently I've been considering it heavily. Something I'm realizing is that this won't go away unless I get help. I have times when I'm really energetic and happy, but it doesn't take long to fall back into my suicidal thoughts. Like what Acy said, you should get help to see if they can help quell your suicidal thoughts

    Best of luck to you
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