Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadangel, Nov 9, 2011.

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  1. sadangel

    sadangel Active Member

    I just want everyone to know that while I appreciate your concern and comments. Suicide will always be on my mind. Maybe I just need a break. Maybe I am being selfish and unconcerned about my children. Here is what my brain says. My children deserve so much better than I can provide, I love them with all my heart but I can't give them what they need, I can't protect them and even when I try I get hurt not physically but otherwise. I am tired of the yelling and the fighting my step-daughter moved in and we have been fighting all the time. I am tired of fighting with him. No one will help me with the kids and I need someone to take care of them and be the super mom I wish I could be. If that means killing myself so they can be in foster care or adoptive care so be it. I can't let them go I love them too much. I know it is a temporary problem and that it will go away if I make it but after 7 years of being so co-dependant on my husband I have decided the only way that I can let go is to commit suicide. My husband has never been abusive, physically,but has been controlling and has a very explozive temper that scares me more than anything. After yet another failed attempt at suicide he called me a " you little stupid selfish bitch". I will never forget those words however true they were. I want to die to save my kids from all this heartache. I WANT TO DIE no matter how selfish this sounds its true
  2. sadangel

    sadangel Active Member

    I was abused by my father and I don't want that to happen anymore to my children. I want them to go to a better place I just know that I won't be able to go with them due to my co-dependency issues. I hate my brain and how fucked up it is, sorry for the language. Everything in my brain seems to not make any sense even now as I am writing this I look and think how dumb am I sounding right now...I give up my own brain can't even work on this
  3. NQ1340

    NQ1340 Member

    It's hard to understand for me ...maybe i am too young to understand but

    If you want to save your children, why is your death is better than a live you doing that?

    Only being alive you can make sure, I think
  4. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I understand how you are feeling Angel, you feel trapped by him because he is hateful and emotionally cruel, but your kids need someone there to absorb his rage :( and you feel as though you need him...

    I wish there was something I could say to make it all better and give you what you need to make it change, but I know nothing anyone says will take away the feeling, all I can say is that they need you to be strong... no one can love them the way their mother does.
  5. sadangel

    sadangel Active Member

    it is my father who I married and I can't get out. I feel so lost...I dont have anyone to talk to. When I feel like this and I commit myself everyone then gets concerned and say things like well you should of asked me for could of just talked to me. Funny thing is I tried and you were too busy to help or to talk. You were too busy when I had all the time in the world in my busy life for you. I took time for you and you refuse to take the time for me!!! I called to talk you said you were too busy to talk and that you would call me back. Do I NEED to shout I WANNA DIE to get you to talk to me!!! I hate this I hate this fucking world!!!!

  6. therapy_fan

    therapy_fan Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry your hurting! :( :hug:
  7. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    I truely wish there was something I could do to help you. All ic an do is offer advice and someone to listen. I'm not sure if u read my previous posts but have u considered taking your kids and going to a womens or crisis center? They may know of service that are available to help you that u may not be aware of. I feel you need to remove youself from the environment that has brought you to this point. I know u say you are dependant on him but your kids are dependant on you. And no you are not selfish for wanting to die, u just don't see another way out. By posting on here u are reaching out for help and that is a sign that deep down u are not ready to give up. Keep reaching hun :)
  8. sadangel

    sadangel Active Member

    isnt it funny how when you dont want to hurt anymore you just give up on everything and you dont care about anything or anyone anymore. Try telling your husband of 7 years that it isn't his fault that I feel like this and that you just get wrapped up in how you feel. Crazy part is I dont feel anything anymore. I dont care to ever again; a fog seems fun and exciting and then I wont have any pain ever again. I wanted help and got abuse I dont want help anymore. I will stop all my meds and I will just keep going maybe then people will understand. As my picture says I am not afraid to die...I am afraid to live..what will happen with me when everyone forgets about me and how much they need me to help them. I am tired of being used, abused, forgotten and invisible. I am tired of all of these emotions why can't I just be like a robot then nothing hurts, physical pain is nonexistent and emotional pain would never ever be in my circuts. I could take on everyone's problems, duties, and everything and it wouldn't effect me ever. I want to make the feelings disappear.


    Oh and lost daughter;
    Yes I have been to different shelters and they want to help me. I get myself there and then everything goes to hell. I call to make sure he knows I am ok and then the guilt trip of oh I will change starts and then I am right back to him with out even being gone 24 hours. I can't trust me!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 9, 2011
  9. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    I can tell buy your words in you posts that u want to change but don't know how. A child wants to run but must first learn to crawl, then matter how many times you fall, keep getting up. Try going back to the shelter and set small goals like trying to wait at least 2 days before you call him. Take your kids with you and look to them for strength. U can do it...believe in yourself the way your children believe in you.
  10. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Lost_Daughter speaks sense.
    Hope you can follow the advice.
  11. sadangel

    sadangel Active Member

    thank you
  12. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    Your welcome. Just remeber when it feels like you are alone and noone cares, we do and we are here for you:) wishing you happiness and peace:pinkrose:
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