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SuicideBoy is Back in Action

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by SuicideBoy, Dec 3, 2006.

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  1. SuicideBoy

    SuicideBoy Well-Known Member

    To the few that may remember me, I've been through hell and back. I'm 17 years old. After one serious suicide attempt (I jumped off the end of a pier) and four psych ward visits (all in one summer), I was discharged with Bipolar 1 (or schizzoaffective-- the diagnoses are sometimes pretty flimsy) whilest I could barely read and had to hear sentences put together with one word at a time. When I was on the ward, I had wide ranging dellusions, from believing that I would invent a new form of math, to being on another planet, to being pregnant, to having fought in some imagined war.

    Each time, I came to the hospital through the emergency room-- in one case, the security guard near me said that "Satan had me by the balls." (not a good thing to say to a suicidal and at times psychotic young man). The psych ward had everything from eating disorder patients to one guy who was going around patting people on the back while talking about the seven deadly sins. Psychiatric hospitals work on a rigid schedule where each day feels the same (Groundhog Day, anyone?) and everything is planned to the minute.

    Somehow, since school started (I skipped two grades and am in a community college), I managed to get the highest scores in the class on 2 essay exams. I guess it is largely due to the fact that I have an amazingly supportive family.

    I still worry though, that sometime I might sink back down to the bottom.

    I don't really have any phobias-- however, every time I look down from the fifth floor of my school building, I get scared that one day I might throw myself over on an errant impulse.
  2. stillhere

    stillhere Active Member

    u sound pretty similar to me!
    im diagnosed with schizoaffective or whatever. yeah i really liked how u said there is a groundhog day aspect to psychiatric wards. you sound fine actually! are you on any MEDICATION?

    im supposed to be but delusions are gone so yeah. im here sometimes because i don't like my life atm.

    i suppose the suicide has to do with your illness huh? stay in college!
  3. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    I would take down the piccy of yourself.

    Or you'll get your legs slapped, like I did ......

    But I liked it.

    I'm not good with heights and get that feeling any place high with nothing to stop you from falling, I haven't got anything wrong with me, apart from being a little unhinged, like the rest of the world !!!

    If a mod reads this, why is that a rule ? I understand the "protection" element, but surely, given the nature of the site, having the courage to put your picture up for the world to see is a posative thing, may be not so for younger members, but surely for us old farts its not an issue !
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 5, 2006
  4. SuicideBoy

    SuicideBoy Well-Known Member

    that's not me, that's just a random picture of some guy from google image search. And yes, I'm on medication: 1000mg Depakote, 120mg Geodone, 75mg Lamictal per day. plus 2mg cogentin for side effects.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 5, 2006
  5. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend



    What can I say, I've spent too long telling lies to tell another.

    but I thought the piccy looked like a guy older than 17.


    Just joking ;-)
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Stillhere- It is very common and extremely dangerous to go off your meds just because the delusions stop. The reason they stopped is BECAUSE of the meds. Without them they will come back and you will backslide. You should really go back on them if that's what your doc says.
  7. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    i can relate to you on the scared-of-heights bit..

    ...i used to go rock climbing outside a lot..and once i got to the top of the rock, i had to get as far away from the edge as possible or else, like you said, on a whim i'd decide to huck myself over the rock face and to a probable death.

    ..i was close once or twice..so i don't climb outdoors anymore just to be safe.
    indoor climbing gyms are good enough for me...

    keep hope alive, mr. suicideboy...
    you look like you're on the way up..

    - Henry
  8. SuicideBoy

    SuicideBoy Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, I can't just quit college like you quit rock climbing, and I think I'm gonna have to find some way to manage this fear because all the teacher's offices are on the fifth floor. Maybe I'll consult a counseler on Monday.
  9. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    well...yeah..college is mondo important!!

    what i'd say to do..is just walk the insides of halls..and sit as far away from windows..unless you go to school in some strange building where all the walls are glass...

    - Henry
  10. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    AS you say it looks like you may have to find a way to get through this and tackle it........and it may be heard.......but then use it as something you can be proud of.Make it into an achievement!!Making the best of a difficult situaiton.Trust me i know its hard but it can be done.Good luck.
  11. You sound like an amazing person.
  12. SuicideBoy

    SuicideBoy Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I wish more people thought so, so I'd have more friends (in the flesh, I mean). Why don't you tell me about yourself, so we can see who is more interesting :biggrin:
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