Sometimes I think that suicide really isn't that bad of an idea. First of all, I'm misserable, I really am. My past hasn't been extremely cruicle, but I've been told so many lies. I found out after I graduated highschool, that in fourth grade my teacher and nurse wanted me to be on medication for ADD, and my father decided for me that I didn't need it, and wouldn't let me see a doctor or anything, just things like that. My friends I once had did nothing but bring me down, and I let them, and I let them for five years of my life. And during that time I did nothing but smoke weed and drink alcohol. I feel completely worthless. But it's not even the past. I truelly feel like the past is the past and it's time to move forward. But I also suffer from anxiety, social and general. And every day something happens and I just hate myself and I don't want to do anything. I've been on medicine, which hasn't worked. I haven't touched weed in four and a half months. Last time I drank was february third, and that day was the last day I had a cigarette. So right now today, I'm me, there isnt anything in my brain besides whats been there sense the beggining. I'm completely alone, I work. Just yesterday I realized I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not even going to try, I don't want to smile, I don't want to talk to anybody. I won't even pursue anything. The anxiety I feel and my symptoms make me not want to do anything. Suicide just doesn't seem like a bad idea. It doesnt matter how many changes I make, what I force myself to do, the anxiety is just there. It's just a sad story. I'm sick to my stomach that my parents even had me. I don't even know what happyness even feels like. My father is a pathetic joke, as is my brother. This life is just not fun. I can bairly even stand watching T.V. anymore. And it doesnt matter what I posses or what I gain. If I feel anxiety I lose. I'm just completely sick of everything. I'm sick of working out or running and feeling "good" for five minutes, then it's right back to anxiety. I'm the reason, what I feel inside is the reason people do drugs and become drug addicts, this is the reason. I'm why mother fuckers become alcoholics. Anxiety and depression is the only reason people self destruct. It's just day in day out with no progression, no support besides a therapist once a week whos paid to tell me "I'm worth it." It's one huge joke. I'm not an idiot, I've never felt this way in my life. The feeling I feel, I won't do anything. I don't pursue anything because of depression and anxiety. I won't even be myself, because people then try to talk to me and I have an anxiety attack and I want to be left alone. I really wish I didn't even have a personality and people just wouldn't try to talk to me. Suicide would be bliss. I can't even control my worry. Suicide just feels right, nothing else has ever worked in this life. I've failed at everything I've wanted, everything. There just really isn't a point to live like this day after day with the same feeling in my stomach, and tension in my chest, all day, nothing changes. It's a sad story.