Suicidle Mindframe

[noPoint]

Sometimes I think that suicide really isn't that bad of an idea.

First of all, I'm misserable, I really am. My past hasn't been extremely cruicle, but I've been told so many lies.

I found out after I graduated highschool, that in fourth grade my teacher and nurse wanted me to be on medication for ADD, and my father decided for me that I didn't need it, and wouldn't let me see a doctor or anything, just things like that.

My friends I once had did nothing but bring me down, and I let them, and I let them for five years of my life. And during that time I did nothing but smoke weed and drink alcohol.

I feel completely worthless. But it's not even the past. I truelly feel like the past is the past and it's time to move forward.

But I also suffer from anxiety, social and general. And every day something happens and I just hate myself and I don't want to do anything.

I've been on medicine, which hasn't worked. I haven't touched weed in four and a half months. Last time I drank was february third, and that day was the last day I had a cigarette. So right now today, I'm me, there isnt anything in my brain besides whats been there sense the beggining.

I'm completely alone, I work. Just yesterday I realized I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not even going to try, I don't want to smile, I don't want to talk to anybody. I won't even pursue anything. The anxiety I feel and my symptoms make me not want to do anything. Suicide just doesn't seem like a bad idea.

It doesnt matter how many changes I make, what I force myself to do, the anxiety is just there. It's just a sad story. I'm sick to my stomach that my parents even had me.

I don't even know what happyness even feels like.

My father is a pathetic joke, as is my brother. This life is just not fun. I can bairly even stand watching T.V. anymore.

And it doesnt matter what I posses or what I gain. If I feel anxiety I lose. I'm just completely sick of everything.

I'm sick of working out or running and feeling "good" for five minutes, then it's right back to anxiety.

I'm the reason, what I feel inside is the reason people do drugs and become drug addicts, this is the reason. I'm why mother fuckers become alcoholics. Anxiety and depression is the only reason people self destruct. It's just day in day out with no progression, no support besides a therapist once a week whos paid to tell me "I'm worth it." It's one huge joke.

I'm not an idiot, I've never felt this way in my life. The feeling I feel, I won't do anything. I don't pursue anything because of depression and anxiety. I won't even be myself, because people then try to talk to me and I have an anxiety attack and I want to be left alone. I really wish I didn't even have a personality and people just wouldn't try to talk to me.

Suicide would be bliss. I can't even control my worry. Suicide just feels right, nothing else has ever worked in this life. I've failed at everything I've wanted, everything. There just really isn't a point to live like this day after day with the same feeling in my stomach, and tension in my chest, all day, nothing changes. It's a sad story.

 

[Stranger1]

Hey No Point,
Welcome to the forum!! It sounds like you have made some positive steps rather you know it or not..Have you seen a shrink to be diagnosed?? If you have are you on meds?? I ask because it sounds as if you have several things going on..You can have several diagnosis and they can treat each one with meds..I currently take five meds for different things..
Have you tried any type of group therapy or maybe just some sort of class to help take your problems off your mind just for a little while.. Who knows you might make some new friends.. Think about it because from what I read you need that social life..Then again I could be wrong..I do think being around others would help you though..Take care!!

 

[Mightbehere]

I know what you mean about the anxiety. I have suffered it for years.

 

[jameslyons]

Hi.

It sounds like depression may play a pretyy large role in your life. It's treatable and you can feel good and motivated again. I'm glad you recognize that a suicidal mindframe is a less than optiaml position for somebody to be in.

I'm sorry to hear your family sucks. And I"m sorry to hear you have anxiety - it's bloody terrible isn't it? Please don't listen to your self=destructive urges. Is there any counseling you can attend? They work wonders when it comes to focusing your frustrations on somebody besides you.

Please stay safe. Stick around and read other people's posts. You'll see just how many of us suffer through similar feelings. Mor importantly, you'll see how many of us have survived.

James.

 

[Nazza]

Hey,
I know what you mean about the anxiety and lies,
I have been housebound for 11 yrs with a severe panic disorder called agoraphobia, it is hell! I know what you mean about people trying to talk to you and ypu panic. I find the only way I can go out of the house is if I take a sedative or 2.
It is hard cos im a mum and I feel so inadequate for the takings. I just try to do the best for my kids. I don't trust due to the lies. Also I dont like the whole theparists who get paid to tell you that life is worth living.
I would rather worl on the cause of the problem.
In between my tendecies I try and think what my kids would be like without me, sometimes I feel they will be better off.... But my parents both killed themselves and I know they wouldn't.
I know you haven't mentioned kids, but it is one thing that helps me. Also, I am proud of you for giving up the weed. I found it made my anxiety so much worse. You should really be proud of yourself for the things that may not seem like it but you have accomplished some really good things.
Maybe you could set yourself some goals yourself to help with the anxiety, even if it is ONE thing a week you could give a go at that you wouldn't usually.
I know it is so hard, I beat myself up when I can't, but I need to realize that trying is better than nothing, and even if it don't feel like it, it is making me stronger and more immune to it ((Hugs)) Sorry to go on!

 

[noPoint]

Thanks everyone. No matter how negetive I am or seem, I really do appreciate the positive feedback.

Everything is just a joke to me.

My therapist told me to call this place about a group therapy thing. And he told me it's four hundred dollars a day. And my therapist wonders why I think ever single thing is a joke to me. I don't understand how these people try to help by telling you it cost four hundred dollars to be in a group of mentally ill people like yourself.

I look in the mirror, and I see a scared punk. If it was up to me I would punch alot of mirrors, or throw rocks at them.

I don't get why people say if you do these things this will happen, but nothing changes. It's a joke to me.

 

[Avarice]

<3​

Have you tried getting a new therapist or going on vacation somewhere? I'm not very good at the whole 'advice' thing when it comes to this kind of thing, but a holiday might do you some good, even if it's just for a little while and doesn't permanently stop the anxiety or even at all, a change in scenary might have a more positive effect on you. A change in therapist doesn't sound as though it's completely out of place, and could help you. I think it's worth a try anyway.

Good luck though, and take care in any case.​

 

[noPoint]

Thanks.

I don't know. I really can't even afford vacation, I need to work because I need money.

I just wish I knew how to stop this feeling. Thats why I get frustrated alot, because I don't feel like I have an answer.

And this is like my fifth therapist, she's okay I guess, maybe I need to start listening to her because I obviously don't like where I am.

Thanks for the suggestions, but I really can't afford not giong to work, even if it is a week.

 

[Angelo_91]

Yea I know how you feel. When I say Im going to pursue the anxiety always messes it up and makes it hell for me. But no matter how shitty things are the clouds will clear and even though the darkness stays, dont believe that the weather is perfect that day that you die.

 

[noPoint]

I really don't know.

I truelly blame everything on my drug abuse and alcohol abuse. Because I remember when I was okay and drugs or alcohol wasn't a part of my life. Then I met losers. And thats when the self destructive physcopathic thoughts forcame.

I'm just glad Tech N9ne is a rapper.