I have always had a feeling of fear and distrust for most people since a very young age, not sure if its normal to feel this way as a child, but I have keep this feelings that have crippled my ability to be social or happy. I feel that the little "friends" I have made (that I no longer have) have been out of virtual necessity, as if I had not choice and I was forced to do so because its just the way it is, but still had a distrust for everyone of them. Now I'm a cynic and a misanthrope, but a sad (very sad) rather than angry one, and now I don't even trust my parents (I have no choice, they are just like everyone else). I sometimes feel very angry at everything, very bitter, as if I didn't want anything to exist, as if anything good and desirable couldn't possibly exist. The pain I had felt since forever is worse, for now its also physical. I have a condition that makes me suffer of untreatable pain all the time, its been three years and I'm only 20 years old. There is no future for me, one cannot live like this, there is no joy in my life, nothing to look forward to. One thing is to be depressed (I'm very so and have been all my life), quite another to suffer from a variety of torturing sources all the time, from loneliness, desolation, despise, indifference, from the total darkness of the pain that never lets me be and do what I would like. Humanity to me seems like this dangerous, menacing, and unworthy collection of individuals, there's nothing good in it for me. I know I'm not normal and that the things that I feel, or the way or the degree, are not normal, and it saddens me since there is no justice in it. For these reasons I know that everyone will be better off without me. I know and feel that my end is certainly soon coming. I have been thinking about it for years now, nothing compulsive about it, and every day closer to it doesn't even create any fear or anxiety anymore, and I will succeed in it, no doubt.