Sunday Chuckles

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Jan 15, 2012.

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  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    ITALIAN ALTAR BOY'S CONFESSION

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    'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
    I have been with a loose girl'..

    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

    'Yes, Father, it is.'

    'And who was the girl you were with?'

    'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
    so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

    'I cannot say.'

    'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

    'I'll never tell.'

    'Was it Nina Capelli?'

    'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

    'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

    'My lips are sealed.'

    'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

    'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

    The priest sighs in frustration.
    'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
    But you've sinned and have to atone.
    You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
    Now you go and behave yourself.'

    Joey walks back to his pew,
    and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
    'What'd you get?'

    'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken
    The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
    "Sure," answered the blonde, "Do you need a lift?"
    "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
    I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

    "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

    With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
    What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
    "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


    Here are the winners:

    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) amen!!!

    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    12.Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

    And the winners are:

    1. Coffee : The person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

    3. Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly: Impotent.

    6. Negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

    7. Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle: A humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
     
  4. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    :giggle: :rofl: :laugh: youve done it again terry :bleh: :hugtackles: :D thanks!!! as always its priceless
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    OMG, Terry! LOL! Where do you find these?
     
  6. Takotsubo

    Takotsubo Well-Known Member

    red bull commercial . :p
     
  7. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    :rofl: Terry! Funny woman!
     
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