Sunday night.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Cortez, Mar 11, 2012.

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  1. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I want to cut again. The isolation and rejection is too much. People refuse to speak to me. I don't even have a single person to talk to, not even online.

    So the anger comes back, the hate, the thoughts, and it's not even in my own hands, it never really was. So I cut. Because you are better than me, because I want to show you, because I am treated as such so I act as such. Because playing basketball in Pelican Bay has been fucking with my mind for years.
     
  2. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I just did a good solid one on my left arm. Sitting here in complete silence. Not really doing much. I like the silence because it is cold, indifferent. Thinking about tomorrow. Monday Monday. I would continue to cut, but I think I'll save some for tomorrow as I'll be in a worse off state because of.
     
  3. prophetbirds

    prophetbirds Well-Known Member

    You are not alone. I would be a hypocrite if I said that you shouldn't cut, because god knows if I'm pushed I will too, but it a long and hard process. And you get set back so many times, it begins to feel like you'll cut for the rest of your life.
    But it gets easier. With every day, the urges get less and less, the need, the addiction becomes just a small, blinking light in the back of your mind.

    I'm not going to tell you what to do, but the first time I regressed really bad, I found that weening myself off of it worked really well. Don't cut to excess, and don't make them deeper than they need to be. Make them fewer and further between, start to substitute other things when you get urges. I've found that sticking my head in a bucket of ice water works well, and lowers my emotional rawness.

    You are much stronger than you think, and you can do this. We all believe in you. I believe in you. Sending love and joy your way.
     
  4. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Sorry Cortez, I know how it can be feeling alone rejected, I myself was cutting saturday night, I was rejected by a good friend of mine, but peoplelike prophetbirds told me they understand and that they were here for me, we are here for you , I cut deep also, I hope you try not to cut anymore tonight
     
  5. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thanks guys.
     
  6. letty

    letty Banned Member

    your welcome hang in there
     
  7. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Did a few last night right before I went to bed. I am certainly going to do more today as I have no other choice. Today is a good day, a clear, straightforward day, a day of discovering, discovering something I already know all over again.
     
  8. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I feel like doing many, many many, because that's how things are, because that's how I'm treated, because that's how I feel
     
  9. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    That feels a little better. I feel like drinking, but I cant since I know what that will lead to.
     
  10. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    would you have it any other way? you couldn't have it any other way.
     
  11. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I am sorry your going through this, i cut last night, I hope you dont cut too deep, I know the feeling of no hope, and pain, we all do here . I just wanted to say your not alone and .
     
  12. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    My cutting has recently been with a stiffer hand and slight force, it is definitely deeper than what I normally do. I now see the skin ripped apart from where I cut; I think I should apply more force since what I am currently doing doesn't seem enough. I want to feel a rush of sharp pain and I know the only way to do that is to cut deeper, I just don't want to cut too deep where the bleeding doesn't stop or I'll need stitches.

    I need to cut deeper and feel more pain to match the level of anger and hatred I feel.
     
  13. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I feel like killing myself. I am ugly, pathetic, and pitiful, so and so just confirmed it. What's the point of living when everyone pitys you and thinks you are pathetic and ugly? I cut myself two more times today, but that isn't enough, I feel like I have to do something else. It's not possible that what I should believe is right and everyone else is wrong, everyone else is right about me. I'm tired of people rejecting me and hurting me.
     
  14. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I am tortured.
     
  15. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Life isn't worth it, I have no friends, no love, and all women think I am pathetic, ugly, a loser, and they are right. I am tired of being hurt by women and made fun of by women, I am tired of being belittled. I don't want to live. I need to self destruct.
     
  16. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I've been cutting a lot recently, it doesn't help, perhaps I should go really deep to get that rush of pain. I need something, drugs or something. But they test me so fuck, I can't really do any drug. What to do what to do. Maybe I should stab myself lol funny because it's random.
     
  17. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I miss drinking, I've been sober for 8 months. Every time I drink I snap, I go crazy and get into trouble, I don't want that to happen, I always liked drinking but it was the aftermath that really set it down for me, me acting like a complete psycho, but really that is how I am on the inside and how I feel everyday, when I drink it comes out.
     
  18. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    That's actually a pretty good idea, to stab myself, I haven't done it before.
     
  19. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thank god the fuckin sun went down, I hate daylight, I hate warm weather, I hate Spring and Summer. I'm gonna go fuckin crazy with this weather
     
  20. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Already completed his thesis and argued it, he'll officially be a doctor soon, he's 28 and at his prime, I'm really proud of him, more so for having the strength to go on and the dedication he put into his goals. With all his imperfections, some that are permanent and gives off first impressions solely on them alone, I can even say he is worse off than I am in some ways. But I admire him, and hope to one day achieve the amount of greatness that he has. Considering everything in my life, I've always put education as the top priority, as much as I have no friends and no chances with women I always want to be able to hold something for myself, something that no one can take away from me, something that I can be proud of. I really want to get into Columbia University or NYU and eventually get my Masters, if I get these done I could continue all the way to the end. He serves as an inspiration to me.
     
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