hey. time to share? im 38. married, father of 2 beautiful daughters. i was diagnosed with schizophrania 5 years ago, but it was downsized to bipolar with psychosis 3 years ago. i take meds. i also have arthritis in my spine, for which i also take meds, i am a chronic pain patient. i was a heavy drug user starting about age 16 until earlier this year, now im a light drug user, but its all prescribed. ive attempted suicide once before, by overdosing on barbituates, but all those years of self destructive behaviour left me with a high enough tolerance that i lived. earlier this year i was feeling very good. invincible. that shoulda been my clue. i went to school in another state and got a CDL, and went to work. then, 2 months ago, it all fell apart. i slipped, the poles turned on me, and now i feel like ive totally f***ed up everything. i wake up every morning wishing i had died in my sleep. i hate myself, i hate that my family counts on me, and i cant help them when i get sick like this, i cant stand people looking at me, so i dont go out. everyone is laughing, talking about me. i know im not that important to everyone in the world that they take such notice of me, but it doesnt stop me being so extremely self conscious. i dont want to die. but i dont want to live like this. i get obsessive, then i get compulsive. i dont know what to do next.