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superfreak of nature

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Super Freak, Aug 28, 2008.

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  1. Super Freak

    Super Freak Member

    time to share?
    im 38. married, father of 2 beautiful daughters.
    i was diagnosed with schizophrania 5 years ago, but it was downsized to bipolar with psychosis 3 years ago. i take meds. i also have arthritis in my spine, for which i also take meds, i am a chronic pain patient. i was a heavy drug user starting about age 16 until earlier this year, now im a light drug user, but its all prescribed. ive attempted suicide once before, by overdosing on barbituates, but all those years of self destructive behaviour left me with a high enough tolerance that i lived.
    earlier this year i was feeling very good. invincible. that shoulda been my clue. i went to school in another state and got a CDL, and went to work. then, 2 months ago, it all fell apart. i slipped, the poles turned on me, and now i feel like ive totally f***ed up everything. i wake up every morning wishing i had died in my sleep. i hate myself, i hate that my family counts on me, and i cant help them when i get sick like this, i cant stand people looking at me, so i dont go out. everyone is laughing, talking about me. i know im not that important to everyone in the world that they take such notice of me, but it doesnt stop me being so extremely self conscious.
    i dont want to die. but i dont want to live like this. i get obsessive, then i get compulsive. i dont know what to do next.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :welcome: to the forum.
    Try to remember that you wrote "I don't want to die."
    I do not have bi-polar, so I don't know what it's like to go to the extremes, but I know that there are people here with it, whom you can share experiences with.
    Be well :hug:
  3. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Welcome to the forum :) Seems like you've won half the battle, you seem to have insight into the workings of your mind, that alone doesn't stop the symptoms though and the longer you feel them the more likely you are to act on them increases.

    It sounds like you are currently under medical supervision, let them know how you're feeling, as abnormal as we can get the symptoms are surprisingly normal considering the illness.
  4. Super Freak

    Super Freak Member

    thanks. ive talked to a few people today about it including posting here, and i feel better. talking it out always helps a bit. i prefer doing it online rather than face to face.
    but im feeling unstable enough i may go down to the clinic in the morning.

    financial issues still are there, though. my doctors all tried to talk me into going on disability before and i guess i should have listened, at least i wouldnt be worried about it on top of being in a depressive swing. but i know, after dealing with it for years, that these things are inevitable. ill feel better eventually, and then ill feel worse again. meds help, but i have a habit of going off them when i feel better. they make me so tired and slow.
    so ill apply for disability, and face months or years of fighting for it. fun.
    thanks again. :)
  5. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I've heard in the USA it can be a struggle but you deserve every bit of help you can get :)
  6. The_8th_Wonder

    The_8th_Wonder senior Member

  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I am glad you are choosing to seek assistance in survivng. You may find that it isn't quite as difficult to get on disability with your arthritis of the spine than if it were solely your mental illness. I hope things go through without too many hassles. Take care.
  8. Izziebabystar

    Izziebabystar Well-Known Member

    hey hun
    welcome to the wonderfull nutty world of sf
    im izzie
    if you have any questions feel free to ask me
    im here most of the time hun
    welcome and i hope all goes well for you
  9. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum.
    Feel free to PM me anytime you want a chat :smile:
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :welcome:
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