Supposed to die today

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Brain., Sep 21, 2008.

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  1. Brain.

    Brain. Guest

    My brain was supposed to kill me today, even though I didn't want it. so far I have fought it off (but have the feeling it will now ambush me at any point for not doing what it wants), although yesterday my mum did have to physically stop me from ODing.

    I desperately tried to get help before all this, my GP, therapist, Crisis team, and no one was interested.

    I'm having an 'every one gets help but me moment' because it's true, they do. Even though who share my GP, Crisis Team, CMHT.

    I'm just incredibly worthless and all I want to do is feel better. But no one will help me with that.

  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Brian and welcome to Suicide Forum. We will try our very best to help you feel better. :hug:
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: No need to be sorry.

    Have you tried getting help outside MH services? I completely hear you about it being useless and not getting any help.
  4. Me.

    Me. Guest

    It wants me to go here.


    Not to jump. It wants me to sit on the edge, at the top, and dangle my feet over.

    I don't want to do it. but I might no hve a choive
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We are all of the parts/characteristics of ourselves...maybe it is a bridge to help...all events vary according to how they are perceived...about getting are you requesting help? what are you reporting to ppl who can help you? sometimes, it is helpful to review with someone what you are going to say so that the outcome (e.g. recruiting help) is more predictable...all the best, J
  6. Me.

    Me. Guest

    I am telling them anything and everything. I just want anyone to listen and help. But they are not willing. I have been trying docs, crisis team, private therapies, A&E, more doctors, more referrals, bounce back to GP. That's pretty much how it goes.

    I see others getting help for similar problems, and yet I get nothing like what they get. I just get discarded. I understand that it's due to being worthless, but I just don't understand what it is about me that makes me worthless.

    If I knew, then everything would slot into place.
  7. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    you are not worthless.

    not even a little.

    i wish i could tell you something amazing that would solve your problem and bestow the help you so long for, but i'm plum out of miracles. all i know for sure is that you can get through this. i know that because you want to. you are looking and open to help, so if you keep wanting to be ok and working towards it you can get through anything.

    first step is knowing YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS!

    i promise.
  8. phlebas

    phlebas Guest

    What you have to remember is that no-one is worthless as long as you can change other peoples lives. And everyone can do that. Your existance is a real thing.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Maybe if you share your discussion with someone, s/he can make suggestions how to be more effective...we all can use help in that...and yes, you are not worthless by any means...all the best, J
  10. Me.

    Me. Guest

    Thanks. Unfortunately there is no evidence that I am not worthless, plus none of you know who I am. Yes, you might say no one is worthless, or something, but that doesn't work, unfortunately. Sorry.

    I think I ODed last night. Today I have been having the throat feelings, chest tightness, dodgy stomach, taste in throat and tiredness associated with ODs, and yet I remember nothing. I don't even know what I might have taken. That's the only thing I can attritubte it all too, but that's scary. Normally I 'come round' after a black out and realise what I have done, this time, it appears I didn't.

    I'm sorry. I just need to vent. I can't seek anymore professional help because the professionals have deemed me an attention seeker due to my diagnosis (which is actually probably wrong), and when I asked for help on Saturday they pretty much discarded me.

    I just feel so scared and alone. I'm sorry.
  11. Tecky

    Tecky Well-Known Member

    Dear Guest,

    I know how you feel. I feel worthless 24/7. Unfortunately drugs carry a death penalty where I live so I can't even take the edge off my depression with drugs.

    Don't be sorry. This forum is for us to vent! And screw those 'professionals'. Most of them don't really know what's going on. Most psychologists I go to make their patients take multiple questions personality tests. They f**king judge their patients based on the results of tests you see in women magazines.

    Well, we are here for you and we won't judge you like those so-called 'professionals'.

  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: It does sound like a frightening time for you. I'm sorry this is going to be long- I just wanted to reply to you. And vent all you like this is what this place is for. :hug:

    Professionals treat you as an inhuman and don't listen to you, especially when you are so desperate to be heard and listened to- and this can make you feel worthless, invisible and like you're screaming for help and no one is listening. I hear you. It can make you feel absolutely worthless. I've been in your exact position so many times in my life and I hate getting into that position of feeling like I'm begging and there's no one there.

    Private therapy? Absolute load of crap, I agree. But I want to let you know- there is a counsellor out there that will hear you and listen to you and not push their own agenda on you. I didn't find her in private or in the MH service but at a charity for domestic violence/substance abuse and I saw her within 2 weeks of my CMHT referring me as a last resort. I only had a very limited time with her but she was a gem, I'd never met someone like her and after my sessions- I knew what type of help I wanted, and I went through 7 horrific encounters with private therapists to find someone with some sort of social conscience and who does not treat me as a diagnosis or an 'attention seeker.'

    You could do a google on your town+ counselling centres and ask for an assessment.

    Have you tried independent MH advocacy? They will listen to your case and try and find you the best possible help for you, inside and outside the MH service.

    At the moment though you do sound you're in a critical state, I'm absolutely horrified to hear that you were discarded when you had OD'd, and discarded by your MH team. Nobody should ever feel like that or go through that treatment. Not you. Just because people treat you like something to be discarded, doesn't mean it's true.

    Have you been to A+E to get yourself physically checked out at least? Perhaps the MH liason service won't help your mental health right now, but at least you'd be physically checked out after your OD.

    And blacking out can be frightening- especially when you're doing things without knowing. There are counsellors that will help you find out about yourself, listen to your suicidal feelings and help you discover how you work so you can deal with your experiences better without blacking out, ODing and wanting to die like you do now. They are few and far between and it might take a lot of searching and feeling like you're talking to countless brick walls who do not listen to you, but when you find that person who does listen- all this searching will be worth it.

    Look after yourself. I know you feel worthless. It must feel really demeaning to go through what you have done, to scream and to be treated how you have have. But 'professionals' reactions to you is not a reflection of you. It's got to do with them and their own fuckedupness.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2008
  13. Me.

    Me. Guest

    Thank you. I'm just tired and drained. I'm fed up of fighting, so I'm sorry for not being able to forumlate a decent reply, but thank you.
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