Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Why Am I Here, May 8, 2012.

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  1. Why Am I Here

    Why Am I Here Well-Known Member

    I had the most humble conversation today.

    I was supposed to help set up an Art Show that our High school is having tomorrow. I decided to walk out to my car and talk to a friend before started helping set-up after school. My conversation with my friend ended as she had to go to work and I decided to walk into the school to help prepare for the Art show along the way, I stopped by my other friends mini-van because she looked upset (which she wasn't) she rolled down her window and we got to talking about Existentialism and Nihilism and purpose in the world. I knew she had a history with hard drugs and tried killing herself once but that was in the past. She's at the top of our class now, one of the most knowledgeable individuals I know of, she got a 33 on her ACT.

    But we got to talking and I hopped in her van and we just sat there for a little more than two hours just talking about anything and everything. We have very similar ideas but at the same time we have extremely conflicting ideas and don't see eye to eye on all topics. Though on the topics that we did see eye to eye on and we had an actual discussion on it, I teared up or flat-out cried. It's so depressing.

    At the end of the two hours when I was about to leave I decided to tell her (the first person I ever have not through chat on-line that I know in real life) that I tried killing myself once upon a time. I told her how I did it and she sat there slack-jawed. I don't think she was expecting that from me. She pleasantly asked me what I would do if she decided to kill herself and I responded that if it was because she didn't see purpose in the world and that was breaking her back and putting her in a dark place and that nothing would be able to help her that I would be happy for her that she wasn't suffering anymore. I told her it was the first time I tried doing it and it wasn't going to be the last because I know I can't stand to live on this planet or exist at all entirely anymore. She told me that she wished I wouldn't kill myself and that I should try and find the beauty in it before I do. She understands me. We spoke in confidence and have both come to a mutual agreement that neither of us will speak to anyone of anything we said in her mini-van.

    I post this topic in crisis because I find that my well-being is in a crisis and that it's not just suicidal tendencies anymore. I find that I'm constantly thinking about methods and what's most efficient. Every night I go to bed hoping I don't wake up.

    I'm all talk-no action. I think I know what to do.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You know what to do YOU reach out for help like y ou did when you talk to your friend You go to your doctor and talk confidentially about your thoughts your obsessive thinking. You keep yourself safe ok hugs
  3. Why Am I Here

    Why Am I Here Well-Known Member

    Going to a doctor isn't going to help me. I don't have chemical imbalances and I'm not mentally unstable. It's a flash of realism.
  4. Dionaise

    Dionaise Member

    Hi There,
    Its good to hear that you said something to a real person.
    I too believe I have seen the realism for the world, and frankly i didnt and dont like it, I think there are a lot of people like that.
    Ive heard its tied in with an existential crises. Google it, its worth a read even just out of interest.
    Though for me, the chemical imbalance if relevant.
    At the risk of being massively hypocritical, it still may be a good idea to have a chat to a professional, not necessarily a doc but counsellor perhaps?
    There is still beauty in the world, somewhere.
    And tbh, its often that knowledge that lets me go to bed every night.
    So hang in there, find a purpose if possible, even if it is to help others on here. There are plenty here who need it.
    Big D
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hey there.

    Whilst your well-being may be in crisis, have a look at what your friend from the mini-van did. Since their issues, they have turned their life around and have got a sense of direction to achieve something with it. Is there absolutely nothing you could look to do to replicate this change of attitude? Its a worthwhile thought that while the realism of the way the majority of the world is does suck (too many judging books by covers, too many taking advantage, bullying etc), everyone has the power to change their own destiny.

    To quote a line from Jim Carrey's Bruce Almighty - near the end, something "God" (aka Morgan Freeman) says to "Bruce" (JC) :-

    "You want to see a miracle, be the miracle"

    You'll be surprised at how much further you could get if you applied a change of approach to life. You can either be in it, or continue along a dangerous path that no-one who's posted here would realistically want you to follow (even me and I barely know of you).

    Hope I've helped in some way :)
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