I had the most humble conversation today. I was supposed to help set up an Art Show that our High school is having tomorrow. I decided to walk out to my car and talk to a friend before started helping set-up after school. My conversation with my friend ended as she had to go to work and I decided to walk into the school to help prepare for the Art show along the way, I stopped by my other friends mini-van because she looked upset (which she wasn't) she rolled down her window and we got to talking about Existentialism and Nihilism and purpose in the world. I knew she had a history with hard drugs and tried killing herself once but that was in the past. She's at the top of our class now, one of the most knowledgeable individuals I know of, she got a 33 on her ACT. But we got to talking and I hopped in her van and we just sat there for a little more than two hours just talking about anything and everything. We have very similar ideas but at the same time we have extremely conflicting ideas and don't see eye to eye on all topics. Though on the topics that we did see eye to eye on and we had an actual discussion on it, I teared up or flat-out cried. It's so depressing. At the end of the two hours when I was about to leave I decided to tell her (the first person I ever have not through chat on-line that I know in real life) that I tried killing myself once upon a time. I told her how I did it and she sat there slack-jawed. I don't think she was expecting that from me. She pleasantly asked me what I would do if she decided to kill herself and I responded that if it was because she didn't see purpose in the world and that was breaking her back and putting her in a dark place and that nothing would be able to help her that I would be happy for her that she wasn't suffering anymore. I told her it was the first time I tried doing it and it wasn't going to be the last because I know I can't stand to live on this planet or exist at all entirely anymore. She told me that she wished I wouldn't kill myself and that I should try and find the beauty in it before I do. She understands me. We spoke in confidence and have both come to a mutual agreement that neither of us will speak to anyone of anything we said in her mini-van. I post this topic in crisis because I find that my well-being is in a crisis and that it's not just suicidal tendencies anymore. I find that I'm constantly thinking about methods and what's most efficient. Every night I go to bed hoping I don't wake up. I'm all talk-no action. I think I know what to do.