Surrounded by people that make me depressed.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Jun 22, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    Now I know the children around me are in my school because they have problems, usually relating to anxiety and even depression. But at the same time there are people here that make me want to slam my head on the table in sheer anger. Because of my anxiety and me being one of the oldest and being in the school for the longest my teacher says I need to set a better example. I am literally forced into talk to the other children (They all range from 13-16) and I find it very difficult.
    For one, we have very different interests. I like alternative music, they like pop/rap. They like romance/horror movies and I much prefer thrillers/comedy and occasionally I can sit through a horror without rolling my eyes. I read books, supernatural, psychology, thrillers, crime, urban, etc. They read pretty much nothing.

    And this will sound a little arrogant, but I'm more intelligent in some ways. I accept academically we're all not that intelligent as we've all missed out on a lot of our education, and some of us naturally are intelligent in some areas.
    But common sense... I seem to be the only one who can actually think clearly and have a some what intelligent thought.

    This here is an example of what has lately angered and upset me a great deal.
    I have a eating disorder and when I was younger because of this I could barely eat and was very thin, it began when I was about 3-4 years old. When I got around 10-11 years old I lived off a very unhealthy diet, I ate bread, chocolate and cheese, and whilst I was missing meals and barely eating I gained about 4 stone within a year, (I also have PCOS). So right now, I'm overweight, despite not eating much. I can't even touch certain plates of food because I just panic and I can't touch it, it's like a voice screaming in my head to not touch it and I can't, it took me years to be able to sit in the same room as food and not balk at the smell. (I know it sounds ridiculous)
    Anyways, I have two 14 year olds talking to one another about wanting to lose weight, they're both a little overweight and I'm not going to bullshit them, but I'm not going to start calling them fat. They tell me they want to be about 5-6 stone, they tell me they would love to be that weight.
    If they truly had an eating disorder I would be a lot more sympathetic, but I see them over eating and then complaining... It does irritate me. I'm the only one who actually has an eating disorder and they have no idea how hard it is to eat food at times, when I've gone days without eating because I can't physically make myself eat, they have no idea how much problems I went through. I bleed a lot more, I have poor circulation and find it hard to keep warm, I have dizzy spells, I sleep a lot, I have headaches and stress and they all get a lot worse when I can't eat.
    So hearing them talking about wanting to be anorexic annoys me, simply because they aren't anorexic, I've seen what they eat, I've been around them when they talk about loving food... And then they're talking to each other about wanting to be anorexic and finding extremely thin people (anorexic thin) people beautiful... Is it wrong to find that really insensitive and become really angry?
    I'm not even allowed to walk away, I have to sit there and listen and talk otherwise my teacher complains, and my teacher is already aware of these conversations.


    Another thing that happened the other day was the same girl talking about wanting to lose weight has started self harming to the degree I do "apparently".
    Despite the teacher not being able to tell me who this person is, I know it's this girl. Apparently since I stopped hiding my scars (And I've seen this girl staring at my scars a few times) she's gone from rarely ever self harming to drastically self harming overnight. I mean... I've needed stitches at times, I've done it since I was 10-11 years old..
    And the teacher has basically implied this girl may be trying to compete with me or something... I know this girl has a lot of problems, but I find it extremely irritating and it's really really angered me that I could be blamed for this stupid girl who's cutting because she wants scars like me.
    Now I know a lot of people who self harm, some are open about it, others aren't. But I see children competing with one another and I want to slap them, simply because I find it the most stupidest and insulting thing a person can do to another person, and the fact this girl is acting like it's a game...
    I don't even know if it is about me, but the teacher certainly implied it was. She didn't even make her point, she just casually mentioned it to me. I offered to talk to this girl about self harm, because I've been able to stop a few people self harming in the past, but the teacher went "No no no!"

    I'm then being told off by my teacher for coming into school in a "bad" mood. I am not aggressive, I do not act out, I simply become quiet and don't like to talk, I am not rude, I am just very quiet.
    And yet the teacher is comparing me to another girl who has a much worse life than I do, she says "She's got a worse life than you and she's coming into school being nice to everyone"
    But this girl smokes marijuana, if you were coming in stoned then I guess you would be nice to those around you.
    This teacher has no idea how hard it is for me, I actually won't eat breakfast because I know I'll vomit it up from stress, she has no idea how many times I cry myself to sleep, and walk out of the house with my head scattered and my stomach clenching from fear. I'm a touch agoraphobic and I struggle to just walk to the end of the street, yet I'm being pressured to do this and that... I'm 15 fucking years old, I've met people twice my age who haven't got as far as I have, and no I'm not being arrogant or stupid about this, I'm basically saying that I am trying, I am trying so hard to do this and I am being told off for being a little quiet?
    Is it any wonder I am in a bad mood when I have these children around me, glamorizing anorexia and talking about sex, drugs etc.
    I don't want to know how many times you've been stoned, I don't want to know why you're struggling to sit on a chair today.
    It's winding me up now, being around these stupid children, I had more sense than they did by 10 years old.

    People say I expect too much from teenagers, but I'm a teenager... I don't say stupid things like that, I don't cut myself because other people are cutting myself and I'm impressed by their cuts.
    I am so angry right now with everything, I just don't know what to do.
    I hate girls with a passion, I know I am a girl but I have nothing in common with them. I am not a romantic person and I am very cynical, they talk about their boyfriends "loving" them and I have to refrain from rolling my eyes at their naivety. I much rather sit with the other boys and talk about video games, guns or torture methods, because at least I don't have to listen to the crap girls want to talk about. I actually enjoy being around boys, they don't ask me questions about my makeup, about my hair, about my clothes. They treat me pretty normally, don't hug me like the girls do, they actually leave me the fuck alone and we can just sit in silence and be content, the girls on the other hand need to keep talking over and over because for some reason they can't stand the silence.
    But all the boys are leaving my school now, so I'll be stuck with these 2 girls and possibly even more girls.
    And I don't think I can deal with this for another 4-5 weeks.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Try to take some of the energy being expended on anger right now and focusing it on what you need to do to make things to change your future and what goals or milestones you need to accomplish to realize a change that works for you in the future. Some things you cannot control or change- but instead of simply bottling up the anger and emotion try to focus it on a positive direction for change.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.