Survived But Crippled By Suicide Attempt

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rattling Bones, Sep 30, 2014.

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  1. Rattling Bones

    Rattling Bones New Member

    After 14 years of chronic pain and daily migraines I tried to end my life by <Mod Edit: Methods> My roommate found me unconscious about 12 hours later. The doctors were able to revive me. I am embarrassed to say I was furious when I woke up. I was transferred to the psychward. I spent my first 2 days there tearing up my top bed sheet making a noose. <Mod Edit: Methods> That was two years ago. I've continued to lose control of myself and was hospiti;ized 2 more times. I started cutting. The overdose caused nerve damage and now I am bedridden in constant pain. It feels like my bones are on fire. I can't sit up long or I start to have spastic fits. My attempts upset my loved ones and I don't want to hurt them but I am afraid I can't go on much longer in this condition. I have been confined to my bed with the relative that abused me as a child. She can't help it. She was horribly abused by her mother and molested by her father. I am in so much pain everyday. It wakes me up and I feel like I have been beaten with a baseball bat. My head hurts every day. I lie in bed in the dark because the light hurts my eyes. Friends have all gone away and now the only people I talk to are the therapists that check in on me. I don't know what to do. I am living a botched suicide. I have a daughter and that is the ONLY reason I try to stay alive but I feel myself slipping....feel like I am losing my mind...I wasn't in my right state of mind when I tried to end my life. The impulse to die was so strong I felt like I was wrestling with an alligator. I tried so hard to stop myself...I called hotlines...I called friends.... then I tricked myself... I said I am just going to take a little more to numb the pain...I sat at my desk for hours taking all of the pills slowly...I think a few hours passed before I fell on the floor and blacked out...I didn't leave a note...I dressed up in a funny costume like a clown so it wouldn't traumatize the person that found me...now I am slipping...thinking of the cliff down the street....thinking I want to spread my wings and fly into the water....I start hitting myself...pulling my hair out...I cry on the floor pounding on my chest begging my heart to stop beating...I feel like a monster....what kind of person ends their life with a child to care for?...I made a will and she will go to a wonderful young family...she wont have to see me cringing in pain every day trying to smile...I can't do much with her...I am afraid I can't go on much longer...I feel the violent impulses growing...raging like a force of nature beyond my control...my head has hurt for years...I have one of the most severe types of migraines and after a head injury in a car accident it started to hurt everyday....I lost my job...my drivers license...ringing in my ears...I had to live in the dark like a vampire...and then there is the constant stigma...being judged and blamed for something I have no control over...losing my fiancé because he said it made him feel helpless to see me in pain all of the time...I can't imagine living in this room for 20 more years...helpless ...no longer able to protect myself from abuse...and the ptsd triggers...denied ssi for years...I hope my loved ones understand that if I don't make it it wasn't a sane decision...If I lose the battle...I had no choice...why can't I live for someone else...perhaps it's best for monsters like me to die.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2014
  2. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Rattling Bones, You're not a monster. You've already expressed you care for your child by thinking about your child now. It's hard when you feel you're at the end of your limits and you want to just stop the pain. However, I hope you see this can be the start of something new for you. The fact that you dressed up in a clown outfit also indicates that you care for people. You don't want to see them distressed either.

    I can assure you that your child would be more devastated if you went then stayed. As for the clown outfit, I don't want you to have one at all. I want you to be happy as the person you are.

    I know it must be really extremely hard right now. You feel like you're in a dark place but I hope you see can see at least a speck of light. That's all you need. One good thing to give you the reason to go on. It seems to me that your child is that light and I'm sure you know that your child is a good reason to go on.

    Take care of yourself RB. Life will get better. Husky.
     
  3. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Rattling Bones, I hope that you're feeling a little better. I just want you to know that I was thinking about you and your child today and wishing the both of you the utmost happiness. I hope you're still living for each other. Take care. Husky.
     
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