After 14 years of chronic pain and daily migraines I tried to end my life by <Mod Edit: Methods> My roommate found me unconscious about 12 hours later. The doctors were able to revive me. I am embarrassed to say I was furious when I woke up. I was transferred to the psychward. I spent my first 2 days there tearing up my top bed sheet making a noose. <Mod Edit: Methods> That was two years ago. I've continued to lose control of myself and was hospiti;ized 2 more times. I started cutting. The overdose caused nerve damage and now I am bedridden in constant pain. It feels like my bones are on fire. I can't sit up long or I start to have spastic fits. My attempts upset my loved ones and I don't want to hurt them but I am afraid I can't go on much longer in this condition. I have been confined to my bed with the relative that abused me as a child. She can't help it. She was horribly abused by her mother and molested by her father. I am in so much pain everyday. It wakes me up and I feel like I have been beaten with a baseball bat. My head hurts every day. I lie in bed in the dark because the light hurts my eyes. Friends have all gone away and now the only people I talk to are the therapists that check in on me. I don't know what to do. I am living a botched suicide. I have a daughter and that is the ONLY reason I try to stay alive but I feel myself slipping....feel like I am losing my mind...I wasn't in my right state of mind when I tried to end my life. The impulse to die was so strong I felt like I was wrestling with an alligator. I tried so hard to stop myself...I called hotlines...I called friends.... then I tricked myself... I said I am just going to take a little more to numb the pain...I sat at my desk for hours taking all of the pills slowly...I think a few hours passed before I fell on the floor and blacked out...I didn't leave a note...I dressed up in a funny costume like a clown so it wouldn't traumatize the person that found me...now I am slipping...thinking of the cliff down the street....thinking I want to spread my wings and fly into the water....I start hitting myself...pulling my hair out...I cry on the floor pounding on my chest begging my heart to stop beating...I feel like a monster....what kind of person ends their life with a child to care for?...I made a will and she will go to a wonderful young family...she wont have to see me cringing in pain every day trying to smile...I can't do much with her...I am afraid I can't go on much longer...I feel the violent impulses growing...raging like a force of nature beyond my control...my head has hurt for years...I have one of the most severe types of migraines and after a head injury in a car accident it started to hurt everyday....I lost my job...my drivers license...ringing in my ears...I had to live in the dark like a vampire...and then there is the constant stigma...being judged and blamed for something I have no control over...losing my fiancé because he said it made him feel helpless to see me in pain all of the time...I can't imagine living in this room for 20 more years...helpless ...no longer able to protect myself from abuse...and the ptsd triggers...denied ssi for years...I hope my loved ones understand that if I don't make it it wasn't a sane decision...If I lose the battle...I had no choice...why can't I live for someone else...perhaps it's best for monsters like me to die.