Surviving an attempt...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Darc, Feb 24, 2010.

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  1. Darc

    Darc Well-Known Member

    I've been planning again...And I just can't decide on a method, it's really frustrating...but while I was wondering if there somehow was a 'safe' way to kill myself, I thought about what things would be like if I failed. And while I find that a part of me really wants to die, just to end it all, and maybe start over in another life someday, somewhere...I also thought that maybe a part of me hopes to survive. Somehow I can imagine myself surviving an attempt, waking up in the hospital...and suddenly seeing the world, my whole life, in a completely new light. As if a near death experience would somehow change me in such a way that I could suddenly see a chance for me to live. As if surviving a suicide attempt would give me the strength to carve out a future for myself.

    That thought bothers me immensely. I know it's totally naive; you don't survive a suicide attempt and everything is sugar and rainbows. And I'm rather scared of what would happen if I failed, too...possible damage and whatnot. I don't know how I came up with this crap, and I'm rational enough to know what a stupid thought this is...but I've just been wondering if any of you ever felt that way? Somewhere, deep down in your soul, hoping you wouldn't succeed in killing yourself? Hoping you'd survive and everything would get better and you could just enjoy life? (Suicide attempt as start into a better life? :blink: oh man, I must be drunk...)

    Someone please hit me and tell me it's a dumb thread...thank you.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Instead of thinking about suicide why don't you get a therapist and learn how to deal with these thoughts.. Suicide is not the answer.. I am suicidal also and have learned to put it behind me everyday..Some days it's a real struggle but for the most part thru therapy I stay stable..My therapist told me the thoughts will be with me the rest of my life because they are deep rooted..You are the only one who can deicide what path you will follow.. Good Luck...
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    If you have one doubt, any doubt, then you can't carry out a permanent action.

    I agree with Stranger about finding and seeking help for how you feel. Is that a possibility?
  4. Shattered Soldier

    Shattered Soldier Well-Known Member

    I actually think this is a great thread. When preparing for my last suicide attempt I chose a method that might kill me or just make me wake up in the ICU finally ready to get the help that I need. It felt like I had to prove to everyone around me that my depression was serious this time, and show my future doctors that they would have to do whatever it takes to get me out of it. I went into the hospital a few months ago saying that I was afraid that I was going to kill myself soon, and it seemed like they were treating me like a kid who just wanted attention or something. The question that kept coming up was have you made any solid plans or attempts? When it came down to my treatment, they told me that they wouldn't be changing any of the medications that I was on, and that what I was going through was something that therapy would be able to take care of. I tried to tell them that therapy doesn't help people who are displaying a chemical imbalance, that its worthless for people who's meds aren't working, but they just didn't care. Without evidence that I was serious, I just felt like another door was slammed in my face, and I left the hospital feeling more hopeless than I did coming in. The plain and simple truth was, that I didn't want to die, that there was still a part of me left that really wanted to live, and that part of me now feels that he doesn't have to prove anything to anyone.
  5. toffeekitten

    toffeekitten Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel, and I have felt the same a few times! so glad im not the only one!
  6. Darc

    Darc Well-Known Member

    Wow...thanks for the answers.

    To Stranger and Scum: I've been wondering if getting a therapist would be wise...but the possibilty sort of scares me. I've never talked to anyone about anything remotely relating to this...I seriously feel like I can't. I already shut down automatically when someone asks me how my day was...and, as screwed up as it sounds, I totally hate the thought of someone trying to get in my way...I'm like obsessed, there's no other way for me than to just die. I have to at least try.
    Staying here, doing nothing but trying to just get by is something I can't seem to do.
    I wouldn't know at all how to explain anything to a therapist...

    To Shattered Soldier: Thank you. I know and hate that kind of behaviour of people...I never understood what they expect; the minute they get the proof they needed that you were serious, the damage is done and it can't be helped...I'm sorry that things are this way...I experienced it, too, though I never tried to tell anyone about committing, but whenever I tried to make someone understand that I'm not well emotionally, they waved it off, thinking I was tired or joking or looking for attention, I don't know...the feeling of being left alone sucks so much, I've given up trying to talk at all. If people don't care or listen, it really seems like the only thing left to do is to just go ahead and try...
    I like your conclusion about not having to prove anything to anyone.

    To toffekitten: Glad you understand. I'm here anytime if you wanna talk.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    This is my first day back after my attempt on the 17th of February. Still carry the thoughts and urges. And still have the belief that I dont want to die but rather need to die if I ever want all the pain and shit to end. Feel lost and alone in my own head and body.

    It is a very difficult place to be. I survived. Part of me is happy so that my kids still have a mom. But so many parts of me still havent accepted the failure again.

    It is emotionally and physically painful surviving an attempt. So please find whatever help you can before you slip any further with the thoughts that are pushing you to try and attempt. You have here, a place where unfortunately too many others understand your struggle. A place you can talk about it comfortably and not need to worry about being judged or looked down on. So please post as much as you can. Sometimes once you are able to share it here, you find it easier to share with a therapist, counselor or doctor. But you have taken a great step forward by saying what you already have here at SF. So keep posting and let others help if we can. :arms:
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