I've been very depressed for at least 4 months now. I've been on 3 different anti-depressant and different dosages and nothing is working. I've tried all the recommended journaling, exercising, reading, etc but I just cry everyday and feel miserable and that I can't go on. I took 1/2 day of vacation last Monday because I was so upset and couldn't stop crying. I got home and just lost it. I walked in my back woods with a pen, paper, and a book called Reasons to Live. After paging through the book and still feeling desperate I tried to find a tree to swing the <mod edit:*sparkle* methods>. I wrote a note and left it on a stump closeby. I took a stick and carved the date and my name in my arm. I sat there for 2 hours on the ground because I couldn't figure out how to make it happen. I felt exhausted and gave up and walked back home. I feel like that is the only thing that will end this hurt and pain I feel every minute. I drive around in my car with a blanket and pillow and hose in case I can't go on and want to park the car and end it all. I don't know who I've become and don't know how to get out of this nightmare. This all started when I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years only to see him a couple weeks later walking down the raod with another girl hand in hand. I am devastated by this. I don't want to be but I just am. They are doing all the things that we had planned (vacation to Mexico, etc) and he took her to all the weddings we had and all the concerts, etc that we were supposed to attend. They're now hanging out with all the "couples" just like we did. It's like I walked away and was replaced instantly. I've heard from people that she looks like me but younger and taller. That just makes me feel worse. Why was I so replaceable? He told me he loved me and we had an overall good relationship. We loved spending our time with each other so why the sudden change? I invested so much in the relationship and his business and home and us. I've been told my others that he is just moving on since I broke up with him but I still feel like I can't. Like he is the only one for me and I blew it and can't take it back but I can't live with it. I did it because he left me no choice. Even though I was the one to say the words, he was "out" of the relationship weeks prior. I can't live like this. I live alone and am terribly lonesome and all I do is think about what they are doing and upset because he is out having a great time and I'm checking myself into a mental hosppital because I want to kill myself. That was 2 months ago. Nothing helped. I am seeing a therapist as well and I just don't see the point. Nothing is helping and I don't know what to do. The only thought that is a relief is taking my own life. I feel like there has to be another way but I can't figure out what or how to keep going. Every day feels like an eternity. Can anyone relate or give me some advice? I feel so jelous and rejected and alone. Self-esteem is non existant and I lost over 15 pounds in a couple months because most times I just can't eat. Now I am at an unhealthy 105 and am 37 years old. I started having anxiety attacks where my heart is pounding out of my chest and I breathe hard and fast and go into panic thinking about the situation. Help?!
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