Surviving.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by nbhmty23, Jan 10, 2011.

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  1. nbhmty23

    nbhmty23 Member

    I was very close to suicide, only after my brother committed suicide when I was 17. having gone through that, it forced me into this crazy haze of depression and loneliness, and feeling that I had nothing to live for. if the smartest person I knew--the person I looked up to most.. could just leave...

    I remember it being such an easy decision , once I made up my mind. But on the other hand, having gone through , being left behind, on the opposite end of it, after months and months of locking myself up in my room thinking& plotting, ultimately I knew I could never, ever go through with killing myself...because of the very pain I felt...pain I witnessed my entire family, and all of his friends go through.. And to go through and rack my brain for any sort of clues. I was only 17, but I swore I knew it all. was atleast smart enough to have been able to tell ...but it wasn't until afterwards..sorting through it all.

    I am both a survivor of a dear one who took his own life, at the age of 24, and of suicide attempts. Now, seven years later...I am creeping up on my 24th birthday. It's still a little weird , being the age he was...then knowing i'll grow older than he was...

    It's hard when you are in that place. I've been there countless times since. And the only thing I can ever think of is that I do know I am not the first person to feel this way and also that I am not the last.

    I know that there are people that continue to deal with depression or loneliness.. or that it will probably come in waves like it tends to do.
    But it's that there is a light at the end of each wave. That's what makes it so bittersweet.

    The sweet is never as sweet without the sour. And I am a walking breathing proof of this.

    I am here, for ANYONE at all. Who wants to talk. Even not talk. Even if it's random chit chat :)
     
  2. jay67

    jay67 Member

    What a powerful testimonial you've shared. I believe everyone in this forum has been touched by suicide, either as surviving family like myself or as survivors of attempts. I think of the forum as a space which has redemptive and healing potential. Imagine the different choice your brother may have elected had someone shared with him an experience like yours. Thank you for your courage.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry for the loss of your brother i can relate I am glad you had the strength to get help to push through the pain If you ever need some support we are here okay and thank you for being here for others hugs
     
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