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Survivors guilt

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Antiquitie's Friend
Dont know if this is the right place to put this. My dad is violent he used to beat up my mum when she was alive and then he turned his anger on my sister. Ive never actually been hit by my father but theIts way he has treated my family makes me dispise him. My siblings find it hard to relate to me because I was the so called special child. I was more of a pawn than anything else. I moved out when I was 18 and havent looked back even though I never suffered physical abuse directly I have what my therapist says is like survivors guilt. And I am depressed as well. It sucks because I feel bad when I try to explain to my siblings how I feel because I was never actually attacked. But the first image I have of my dad is seeing him beat up my mom when I was about 5 she was silent it was in the middletha of the night and I still have the image in my mind of him just hitting her . Then a few years ago I got sexually assaulted by a relative and Ive found it difficult to deal with but its twisted sometimes I feel like Im paying for something I just dont know what............I know I shouldnt feel like this but I do
hey, its completely normal to feel survivors guilt. and not being able to deal with sexual assault is normal as well. I know that you think you shouldnt feel that way, but in all honesty. its normal.:biggrin:

Lady E

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry that you had to go through all this
But it's perfectly normal to have that guilt and shame it's your mind's coping mechanism in a way because you want to blame someone for the abuse that your mother and siblings endured and since it's always easier to blame yourself and that is what happens.
You didn't deserve your sexual assault one bit and you have realized that.

Something that works for me when I am feeling guilty or bad about this situation and the guilt just go outside and scream and yell about it until you feel that all the guilt fueling your screaming is gone.
Even though you were not the victim of the physical assult your father handed out, you were still abused emotionally. Seeing the abuse happen is a form of abuse in itself. I can see where you might feel guilty about not being the one hit. Your siblings don't help out in this manner when they don't understand how you could be affected. You have every right to feel as you do. About the assault as well. I am glad to hear you are in therapy and trying to learn how to cope with these feelings. You do not have to pay for anything. Being asaulted is not a payment, it is a problem. You were/are the victim. What happened is not right. Take care. You are in my thoughts. :hug:
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