Swam all this way, only to drown

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Citizen Insane, Oct 18, 2012.

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  1. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter


    My name is Kenneth. I'm 22 years old and I'm from the Netherlands.
    I frequent the chat room often, but I want to write things down for myself on this forum and maybe get feedback from fellow sufferers.

    Where do I start? Where do I begin?

    Asperger's, Depersonalization Disorder, Psychotic Disorder NOS, chronic tension headaches in no particular order.

    And Efexor 37,5. Abilify 30 and Lorazepam 10.

    One disorder I got born with, the other two I developed because I'm just that lucky I guess. :)

    I have had a lot big disappointments lately when it comes to living (home), school and outdoor activities somewhat as well.
    Due to this, I lost quite a bit of confidence in myself and feel worse now everyday I don't have a success. And yes I know...success can be something small as well like doing the groceries even though I suffer from social anxiety. But I don't feel the success in my mind. No change is happening. Usually when I laughed in the past, it triggered some brain chemistry that made me feel something, but not anymore due to the depersonalization.

    Because there is actually so much feeling extracted from my body I almost feel always the same.
    Even in my dreams I am depersonalized. Even when I masturbate. Not long ago I believed I had already entered the realm of the dead. And that my life was just a dream.

    I often talk about stepping outside of my body. I can not convince myself that I'm really living. I'm an automaton.
    Not even an orgasm has any value in my life anymore, I even get headaches from that and I'm left frustrated.

    The frustration/stress/anxiety level is so high that it has started to affect me physically. I phase out of existence often as described above. When phasing, I don't feel anything anymore. I know that's hard to believe, but...well that's really what I'm experiencing. Vision becomes blurry, headaches will get even worse than usual, nausea etcetera, etcetera.

    It's one of the scariest things possible in life I believe. :( It makes me very sad and extremely frustrated that I can't do anything about it.

    I need to find a way to get back into my body.

    One way that does not work for me is going out more or engaging in more activities because that's the reason I got ill in the first place.

    I want to be healed first before I can lead the life I want once again.

    The life I want consists of school for the most part, hitting the gym on a regular basis, having a minor social life (card games with friends) and be with my family. That's all I ask.

    Instead I get hallucinations when I study for school or hit the gym. Hurts doesn't it?

    That's all for now, ... if I can't find my way through this life then I might as well not exist.

    THIS IS NOT ABOUT ACCEPTING. Saying that to a person who has depersonalization is the most cruel thing you can say.

    Coping/Healing/Accepting/Rejecting/Processing/Letting Go. It does not work for me at all. Nothing, nada, zero.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hello Citizen Insane, and welcome to SF! (btw, I like your clever username :biggrin:)

    I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Depression (and depersonalization can happen with depression) can certainly blunt our feelings till we feel sort of numb. Sometimes depression shows up in physical ways too, like headaches, sore back, upset stomach. You named the meds you're on...Have you taken them for long? Sometimes it takes a few weeks for anti-depressants to make us feel better. If you are not seeing a therapist/counsellor, do you think it would help?

    At any rate, I think you have taken a brave step today in posting to tell us a bit about yourself, and I hope that you find the support and friends here who will help you get back on track.

    See you around the forums. :smile:
  3. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    The Abilify I have taken for many months now, and the Efexor just for about 2 weeks. I have had Lorazepam since 2008.

    I am seeing a psychologist/therapist, a regular doctor, a psychiatrist (at the Centre for Psychosis) and soon another psychologist (at Centre for Autism).

    Even though I have to say, I've been in therapy for 10 years or so and still I got this ill (psychotic for the most part). That makes me feel a bit strange. :p
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm glad you have good professional support in place. :smile: I don't think the length of time one is in therapy needs to be a worry. The way I see it, problems that took years to develop (e.g., throughout childhood, during adolescence) are not likely to go away overnight. Might take a decade or more to undo certain hurts for some people. Many people stay in therapy for a long time because undoing the knots takes time and then we need to get used to a new way of thinking about ourselves. Having that support can be a good thing.
  5. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I am so happy to see you finally posting and reaching out on the actual forum.... in chat things disappear, and get forgotten or buried... by you and by others sometimes.... but on here it's more solidified, organized, written down... and you can always come back to the responses.
  6. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    Tired of bottling up emotions due to the depersonalization, but I had a small victory yesterday (Friday). All went well that day, I did not even get the chance to think about depersonalization/derealization. Because I was outside with my dad (dinner and cinema/movies) in the city centre.

    So I guess I discovered a certain pattern. When I'm with or around people I know and I'm talking and not thinking in my head, I get distracted enough from the daily struggle with my illness/disorder.

    Still though, I remember having a hard time dealing with emotions before I got ill, thanks to Autism, and now the emotions are gone forever it seems. Yes I used the word forever, because I've had depersonalization for a long long time now. :dry:

    We'll see how it goes tomorrow when I will try to hit the gym and/or study for school. Wish me luck I guess.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 20, 2012
  7. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    "When machines learn to feel, who decides what is human..."

    That is what is up with me right now. Tomorrow I will see my doctor and I will not and can not leave without something against these headaches. I think they have become worse because of the Efexor that I'm taking.

    I do not remember having this much pain in my head ever. Normal painkillers don't do it for me at all. So... I'm just waiting for tomorrow.

    Oh yeah, and I have nightmares every night now which is a bit triggering if I go into detail about it. Let's just say that they are very violent in nature. I'm mean really? Why does my mind show me these things, I can not learn from them or overcome my fear of it.

    By the way, dreaming while you have depersonalization gets very old very fast. You're just not there at all, even in dreams I'm so far away from my body.

    This is pretty frustrating, but I'll survive this day like many others.
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    From what you have written, you are very insightful...smart people clearly feel their problems differently...and yes, depersonalization is an awful plight...I have been there because of a disease I have, and I know the hell it causes...life being at arms reach, and not being a part of it...as you know, this is a 'symptom' of some of the conditions you list, but I have found some activities that have been helpful for me to be more 'in the world'...but I have also found that some reactions come before change...as if we are 'unprocessed' before we become 'ordered' again...I am glad you are speaking to your doc regarding your headaches...please also emphasize how you are feeling as you may need your meds adjusted...also PM me if I can help/support you
  9. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Again, as I said in chat, Citizen Insane; split some of these things up into new threads and try to discuss just the one subject. Your nightmares, there is a section for it, or you can talk about it in general, just the kinds of things you see when you go to sleep, and how you feel about it.

    You can discuss your depersonalization struggles too, but separate it. Make it manageable... clumping it all together, probably only further fuels the condition.. because then it just recirculates all of the thoughts into this huge ball of a mess in your head.

    It seems like your breakthrough has something to do with your ability to act more and think less.... basically making yourself go outside of your comfort zone of being quiet/thinking and just having more interactive activities...

    It's one thing to be doing something, but another to have that activity feel or be interactive to you. Socializing with family members is interactive, obviously, because it forces you to respond to another person, and change how your responses are, and pay attention to what is going on and judge from there how you want to react.

    Movies are a tad bit interactive as well, but can sometimes not be... because they have you sitting alone interpreting (thinking again...) what you are seeing. Could turn out badly, when not watched to make sure you are actually there for the movie, and not just to sit and stir around more thoughts in your head.
  10. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank you for your replies guys. (I'll respond to them individually later I think)

    I'm done complaining for the moment. Most players in this game of life like to whine and complain about their losses and beats they have taken. As do I. I have done nothing but whine/nag/complain for a long time. To me that is not too professional.

    So that's what I'm trying to do. I'm going to be a professional at life one day. Being able to take a strong punch to the stomach and not give up on life.

    But first I have to give up my desires of things ever going back to the way they were before I got ill. So that's giving up school for this year at least until I master my knowledge about myself again.

    I'm glad that I can say this, because I don't see myself becoming suicidal anymore. I don't care, give me cancer if you want, see if I care.

    Because it's in the pain, that makes me still feel alive at times so I will accept that. Accept that my life is probably more about pain (headaches, disorders, hallucinations) and less happy moments than before.

    That is all for the moment. Thanks again guys.
  11. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm done with this site. That's a good thing I believe. No need to be here when I'm not suicidal and/or depressed. So, goodbye.
  12. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am hopeful that you are not leaving as you mean quite a lot to many people here...I have heard many times how supportive and insightful you are, and I am remiss to have not communicated this sooner...please accept my apologies...I sent you a PM and I hope you respond
  13. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    That was quite harsh Citizen Insane... I am not sure where that came from... ?
  14. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    I also don't know where this came from. I do not know how to translate my emotions these days. Perhaps I was wrong about it like many times. I thought I had a realization, but it was an incorrect one. Anyways, in 3 hours or so I will see my doctor, I'll let you guys know how it goes (even though it's only a 15 minute appointment).
  15. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Well you did have a realization... but that's not something that I believe was enough to say "k I am cured, don't need anything anymore, fixed and ready to go".

  16. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    citizen I, too, hope you are not leaving because you Are intelligent and helpful and friendly, and I, too, know how it is to have insight but still be struggling with mental health issues. I often feel like people do not know or understand or somehow believe me because I know what is going on and that can make it seem like I am coping/dealing better than I am.

    I have found that talking about the symptoms is more useful than describing what I think is happening. When talking to doctors, I mean. Maybe that would help you too?

    I don't really know about the illnesses you have mentioned you suffer from, but you have my sympathy. If ever you need to chat, I would gladly repay the favour and listen to you as you did me. Good luck at the Drs, I will be wanting to know how it goes for you.

    with :hug: sss
  17. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    So... the doctor wanted to give me medication for the tension headaches, but there is interaction with the Efexor.

    So now she has given me simply paracetamol/acetaminophen with codeine. It's getting worse every minute, those headaches. I can't do the things now that I want to do so badly.

    This is life as it's supposed to be for me I guess. :)

    Time to sit back and enjoy the ride... let's see where this will take me next.

    Ah, looks like I can't stop whining today... Sorry for being so annoying.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2012
  18. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, Citizen. Codeine is a powerful painkiller. Have you tried paracetamol/acetaminophen with codeine? The codeine, working alongside of paracetamol/acetaminophen, could take care of your headache. I hope it does. :hug:

    And you're not whining or annoying. Let us know how the paracetamol/acetaminophen with codeine works for you.
  19. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Chat Pro SF Author SF Supporter

    The doctor actually wanted to give me paracetamol with/plus tramadol first, but the Effexor interacts with it.
    Yeah Acy, I'm using the paracetamol with codeine right now and it started working just now I believe. Though I'm getting very sleepy (side effect). But at least I can rest easier at night now. :)
    So that's all I need for the moment. I couldn't care about all my other complaints when I was in so much pain a couple of hours ago. Didn't know my head could scream this loud when it is in pain.

    As you know I phase/dissociate when in emotional or physical pain, but not anymore at the moment.

    I'm relieved for the moment.
  20. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Citizen, I'm so glad the codeine has kicked in. (And yes, it can make you sleepy. I don't know about you, but when I have a headache, a little snooze is OK anyway. :hug:)
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