Hello, My name is Kenneth. I'm 22 years old and I'm from the Netherlands. I frequent the chat room often, but I want to write things down for myself on this forum and maybe get feedback from fellow sufferers. Where do I start? Where do I begin? Asperger's, Depersonalization Disorder, Psychotic Disorder NOS, chronic tension headaches in no particular order. And Efexor 37,5. Abilify 30 and Lorazepam 10. One disorder I got born with, the other two I developed because I'm just that lucky I guess. I have had a lot big disappointments lately when it comes to living (home), school and outdoor activities somewhat as well. Due to this, I lost quite a bit of confidence in myself and feel worse now everyday I don't have a success. And yes I know...success can be something small as well like doing the groceries even though I suffer from social anxiety. But I don't feel the success in my mind. No change is happening. Usually when I laughed in the past, it triggered some brain chemistry that made me feel something, but not anymore due to the depersonalization. Because there is actually so much feeling extracted from my body I almost feel always the same. Even in my dreams I am depersonalized. Even when I masturbate. Not long ago I believed I had already entered the realm of the dead. And that my life was just a dream. I often talk about stepping outside of my body. I can not convince myself that I'm really living. I'm an automaton. Not even an orgasm has any value in my life anymore, I even get headaches from that and I'm left frustrated. The frustration/stress/anxiety level is so high that it has started to affect me physically. I phase out of existence often as described above. When phasing, I don't feel anything anymore. I know that's hard to believe, but...well that's really what I'm experiencing. Vision becomes blurry, headaches will get even worse than usual, nausea etcetera, etcetera. It's one of the scariest things possible in life I believe. It makes me very sad and extremely frustrated that I can't do anything about it. I need to find a way to get back into my body. One way that does not work for me is going out more or engaging in more activities because that's the reason I got ill in the first place. I want to be healed first before I can lead the life I want once again. The life I want consists of school for the most part, hitting the gym on a regular basis, having a minor social life (card games with friends) and be with my family. That's all I ask. Instead I get hallucinations when I study for school or hit the gym. Hurts doesn't it? That's all for now, ... if I can't find my way through this life then I might as well not exist. THIS IS NOT ABOUT ACCEPTING. Saying that to a person who has depersonalization is the most cruel thing you can say. Coping/Healing/Accepting/Rejecting/Processing/Letting Go. It does not work for me at all. Nothing, nada, zero. Thanks for listening.