Single White Depressive Hi, I am 47 years old and have been suffering from depression most of my life and have made numerous attempts to end it in the past 15 years - most recently last night. I live by myself and am able to function quite well despite my depression in that I have always been employed (the last 18 years as a teacher), am able to sleep fairly well, have no substance abuse issues, and shower regularly (for the most part). I have had good relationships with women and even married one when I was 37 who divorced me four years later. The interesting thing is that she and I have continued a relationship (off and on) with one another since the divorce, neither of us ever being with anyone else. My physical health is good despite not exercising. I have an easy going personality and a healthy appreciation for humor. My thoughts are all pretty normal except for the obsessive desire to be dead. My depression, like many others, is rooted in childhood - I had an angry father and a depressed mother. There was very little to no love given to my two brothers and me, though my father and mother were devoted to each other (though not outwardly). However, I don't blame my parents for my depression (maybe my mom's depressive genes). I truly believe they did the best parenting that they knew how. In an attempt to get better these last 15 years, I have taken medication (though not the past three years), seen numerous therapists, been hospitalized (voluntarily and involuntarily), had ECT around seven times, and three years ago had deep brain stimulation surgery. What makes it so frustrating for me is that I have so much in my life, yet I wish I never had been born.