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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by themadplatter, Jan 2, 2012.

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  1. themadplatter

    themadplatter New Member

    Single White Depressive


    I am 47 years old and have been suffering from depression most of my life and have made numerous attempts to end it in the past 15 years - most recently last night.

    I live by myself and am able to function quite well despite my depression in that I have always been employed (the last 18 years as a teacher), am able to sleep fairly well, have no substance abuse issues, and shower regularly (for the most part). I have had good relationships with women and even married one when I was 37 who divorced me four years later. The interesting thing is that she and I have continued a relationship (off and on) with one another since the divorce, neither of us ever being with anyone else. My physical health is good despite not exercising. I have an easy going personality and a healthy appreciation for humor. My thoughts are all pretty normal except for the obsessive desire to be dead.

    My depression, like many others, is rooted in childhood - I had an angry father and a depressed mother. There was very little to no love given to my two brothers and me, though my father and mother were devoted to each other (though not outwardly). However, I don't blame my parents for my depression (maybe my mom's depressive genes). I truly believe they did the best parenting that they knew how.

    In an attempt to get better these last 15 years, I have taken medication (though not the past three years), seen numerous therapists, been hospitalized (voluntarily and involuntarily), had ECT around seven times, and three years ago had deep brain stimulation surgery.

    What makes it so frustrating for me is that I have so much in my life, yet I wish I never had been born.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Re: Single White Depressive

    Hi and welcome...you can feel so proud that you have accomplished so much in spite of having that black cloud over you...please continue to advocate for yourself and see what additional services are available...maybe starting meds again? Talk therapy? Etc. I am so glad you found us and have shared with us...please continue to do this as well...welcome again, and I hope the New Year brings with it the recognition of your resources and worth
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Re: Single White Depressive

    Hi, You've come to a helpful place. I'm 54 years old and have suffered with depression as far back as I can remember. My parents where not available emotionally either. You may want to start a personal diary here, public or private. Many of us do, as it helps relieve some of the pressure. I have found that reading other diaries to be very helpful. I pretty much post to my diary and check the depression thread.

    I agree with Sadeyes, please check out medical services. I go to group therapy now about once a month and I continue to take meds. It's not a great big change for me to do so, but rather a continuing management program for depression. It also keeps me in contact with services that help me when I really, really need them.

    Welcome to SF.
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Re: Single White Depressive

    hi themadplatter.. welcome.. i am almost 65 now and been fighting the beast depression for most of those years... situation improved 10 yrs ago and they found the right med cocktail to keep this beast at bay for most of each day.. Sir maybe that might work for you also.. if able to try just maybe might help you.

    got an ex myself who is closer to me now than yrs were under the same roof.. who would have thunk this.. maybe you and yours have mellowed some also??

    sort of would like to know how this progresses for you. maybe some more posting in the future in depression and or another forum that seems to fit atm.. take care, Jim
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