Sweet dreams

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kirsty_Ann, Nov 26, 2010.

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  1. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    You'll look at me and see a smile and the supportive person that you need at that time.
    Until now, i've never said i was broken, there are only so many people who can be left to walk out on you before enough is enough.
    Talking isn't enough anymore. . .
    I cannot do this.
    It's too hard.
    You'll look back and think wow she had a lot to live for: fantastic uni, friends that appeared to be there but they can see this hurt so so deep but won't confront it because it means looking at them.
    I've said for such a long time, i want to do this: i want to end it but never felt that i could,
    Now that seems to have changed . . .
    I can't do this anymore, i wish i could i really do.

    I'm so sorry,

    Night night
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi kirsty ann sorry you are feeling so low right now. sounds like your friends don't get how depressed you are. i bet they'd want to help if only you could reach out to them. a friend of mine killed himself and i was devastated. i had no idea that he was in so much pain. i wish he had told me and that i could support and comfort him. please reach out, if not to a professional then to your friends.
  3. KatyKate

    KatyKate Antiquities Friend

    Hi Kirtsy-Ann
    I know you don't know me at all but I have just read your thread and it has made me sad, and I saw that no-one has replied yet. I don't want you to think that you are alone.
    I had the same thoughts as you when I first came on here back in September, after a failed suicide attempt in August but those thoughts have now passed.
    I'm not particularly happy with my life, but I am going to to try again to give it my best shot, I deserve it, and I owe it to my family and friends to try. Probably lots of people have said to you that it will pass... but it is true... and it does take a lot of strength,
    I have had mental health difficulties since I was 25 and i'm now 39, and i'm still here. I often don't want to live, but in the end I don't want to die either... please reach out to people on here, me included...please PM anytime.
    I have also worked in mental health services too for 6 years so hopefully I can be of some positive support to you if you would like it. Helping others makes me want to live, it gives me a purpose and makes me stronger, and I believe that I make a difference..so if there is anything i can do however small that will help you to find a way to begin overcoming your feelings then please contact me.
    I am here for you. :console::handinhand:
    Love and hugs Kate :hug: :hugtackles: :heart:
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Kirsty,
    Practical things first - have you been to a doctor? Have you been given any meds or therapy? Do you have a history of depression?
    Supportive things next. You come from the North of England and that's the best place to live anywhere. We Northerners have a long tradition of being strong especially in the face of adversity. So you need to take some deep breaths and tap into the collective strength of the generations that went before you. Does that sound mad? Try it and see if it works. Take a deep breath and think of the Lancashire Cotton Mill workers who voted not to accept cotton from the Southern States of America because they believed that slavery was wrong. They did without work and without food but stood up for the greater good. Their efforts made a difference.
    Now take another deep breath and ask yourself if you could make that sort of difference if you were asked to. I bet you could. I bet you'd be able to do all sorts of things to make a difference to other people. It's just yourself that you can't help. Except that you can help yourself. You can hang in there and wait for the bad time to pass. You can keep breathing and keep reminding yourself that you can do this, you can get through another minute, another hour, another day, another week...you just need to do it in baby steps.
    It's freezing outside so wrap yourself up in something warm, buy some chocolate, drink cocoa and give yourself some TLC. Today may be a bad day, tomorrow may be a good day. We're all here for you xxx
  5. kote

    kote Account Closed

    british northerners RULE!!!!!!

    i so miss the accents and the slang and just the tiny things!!!

    be strong - we are a strong breed and ive faced down a hell of a lot and if i can anyone from the north can!!!

    do your best and best wishes!!!!
  6. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    It probably appears to be a rash decision, but every day for the past four years i've hoped that i would wake up and feel better but i haven't.
    I understand that it was hard for your friend but my friends are aware briefly of what is going on.
    I've had counselling for 2 years and just started medication, there is only so much that medication can do,
    logically what you say makes sense but for me it feels different, to me it makes logical sense that i am not here.

    I just feel that enough is enough,

    But thank you very much for your support,

    It has been very lovely :)

    Good luck to everyone else

  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hun, this is the illness talking, not you. You've got to separate the two. Of course you feel that you're being logical. That's what this illness does to you. If you've only just started the meds, then you have to give them chance to work. If this lot of meds don't work then maybe the next lot will. I've lost count of how many different meds I've been on, different dosages, different combinations. You've just got to keep trying. We don't want to lose you. We need you. I know it's a hard fight but you can do it. xxx
  8. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    You're really sweet; thankyou.

    It doesn't make sense, anymore; i wish it did.
    i've lost everybody and i can't work out why, i don't sleep. I can't even get the courage to go to lectures anymore.
    it's not about an illness, it's about the fact that nothing gets better: i have tried so hard for such a long time; i'm not the kind of person to give up, but it gets to the point where you feel so much hurt and there's nothing.
    I'm not being rash, i've felt that this was the only way for some time but that little bit of hope has kept me going. . . that hope is fading so quickly.
    It's horrible to hear i know, but i don't want to do something that i regret; not straight away, i've given myself 2 days, just to see; but this is something that has lasted a long time.

    I wish that things could have been better: believe me, i had so many plans and fought so many odds to be here, i wish i could have succeeded in doing so.

  9. avp

    avp Member

    If you dont sleep maybe you will talk to me in the wee hours? I don't sleep well and feel worse at night.
  10. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Yeah of course; thats fine, you can pm in the next couple of days when you wanna chat :)
    Hope you are ok
  11. avp

    avp Member

  12. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Okay, let's step back from this for a moment. Nothing is making sense, you're not sleeping and you're not going to lectures? Are you also isolating yourself? These are clear signs that you're going into crisis, if you've not already got there. Crisis, we can help with, you just have to stay with us. Plus give some more information - when you say that you've lost everybody, what do you mean by that?
    That is the illness. All those outside things? They're nothing. No problem is so great that you can't resolve or minimise it. Its the illness that prevents you from seeing that. Things do get better, you just can't see that at the moment. You will though, you just have to ride it out. Every single one of us has these feelings during crisis and depression. You're not alone in feeling this way.
    I'm glad you're not the sort of person to give up because the bad news is that this illness is likely to be with you all your life. The best you can hope for is to get it stabalized and learn how to cope with it. There are lots of things that you can do as coping mechanisms and the more you practise, the better you get. I can remember all sorts of things would send me into a depression when I was in my 20's. 20 years later and they don't bother me at all. You learn to cope and you learn to ride it out. You also get to learn about whats really important in life and when you look at the shallow celebrity obsessed culture that we live in, that's a good lesson to learn.
    Well get it back hun because I'm not going to let you go without a fight. I can literally spend hours keeping you talking, telling you various philosophies, sharing coping mechanisms, giving you the inside info on how to get the best from doctors etc and I will do all that. By the time I've finished, you'll be glad to get back to lectures just to have a break from me:lol!:
    2 days? That's no where near enough time to give the meds to work. You can't do anything until you've tried the meds, that would be giving in without a fight. We Northerners don't give in without a fight.

    Er...you haven't actually failed yet have you? You're not old enough to be considered a failure yet. I think that you're expecting far too much of yourself and when you don't immediately achieve it, you think you've failed.
    One of the biggest problems with this illness is understanding that you probably can't do things at the same rate of people who don't have the illness. It might take longer. You know what though? You'll do it better in the end. It took me six years to get my degrees. I thought I'd never get to the end of it and felt a right failure all the way through. I did get there eventually though but even if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been a failure. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Plus I wouldn't have all the student debt hanging over me still despite it being 13 years since I was last in Uni.

    So! Tell me what plans you did have and why you haven't got them anymore. Also, why you think that you have no one left. I want to hear it all. xxxx
  13. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Wow, thank you for taking the time to write that: it must have taken some time too.
    Logically i can see you're right and that there are times when i think great i can do this, but it goes so quickly.
    Where to start. . .
    Hmm i guess you can see i'm only 18, with a about a lifetimes worth of life experience.
    So we can start with sexual abuse as a kid, to then listening to everyday why you are not good, how worthless you are as a person. Then the man you think is your father walks off and the only reply you get from your mum is: oh it doesn't matter he wasn't your dad anyway.
    From that i've seen and dealt with my mum try to commit suicide many times to be faced with the answer that actually it is just because she wanted attention: the fact that she has no idea what it feels like to die really angers me that she wouldn't take it seriously.
    Then last year she walked out on me whilst i was at work, i was really scared and well my friends were only 17, they had no idea what to do too.
    So i got into the routine of doing my 4 a-levels, holding down a full time job, looking after my brother and all our animals too.
    My brother however is extremely violent and would hit me whenever he had the opportunity, and it was running me down so much, so in February i gave up and said enough, so moved in with my grandmother, who, for no reason, kicked me out in June. . . i honestly don't know what else i could have done. . . i really don't
    So i lived whereever i could for the holidays, with friends and sometimes stayed at work; hoping that it could get better; that i would get into uni and things would be ok.
    So in August, i got my results and got into uni; i thought it would make things better. . . i got here and well it is very elite, so to speak and no matter what i have done over the past 2 months, from starting conversations to asking people to dinner or whatever; i've not been good enough, i don't play croquet etc in my spare time.
    My counsellor for the past 2 years decided to also inform me that we could no longer speak as she ha grown a personal attachment so now i feel completely isolated.
    In terms of friends: one last week said that she could no longer talk to me as i am honest and always there for everyone and she cannot stand the fact she cannot do that so has blocked me out of her life completely.
    So family, friends and counsellor have walked; i just don't know.
    I've spent so much time and energy proving to people that i am gonna make it and that the fact no-one has even passed a GCSE or done well but now i have it, it feels worthless and so do i

    In terms of plans that i did have?
    Hmm well i wanted to get my degree (as i am presently doing) i used to always be busy at home so wanted to do an evening course too so that i could get as much work done as possible.
    I've been planning a book since i was 15 and really wanted to finish it,
    Most of all, i wanted to get into social work or counselling so that i could show other people that you can do it and that irregardless of the extraneous stuff, it is possible. (but even that has been contested saying that i can do better: i can't even do ok let alone better)
    and lastly, have a family so that i could show myself that i was nothing like my family and that if i could love something unconditionally it may feel better.

    I wish i could do it, but i just don't have the motivation or even care anymore: i was the person who was up til 2 or 3 a.m. doing work months in advance and now i feel i've lost it all. Just tired of everything; really am.

    Thankyou if you read this, it is a bit long.

    You seem to have done really well for yourself, you should be really proud

  14. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Good heavens Kirsty, you've been through all of that and still got yourself into Uni? That's incredible and to have done it at the age of 18? I am so impressed, seriously impressed.
    You're going to make a fantastic social worker or counsellor and you'll be so good that you'll change peoples lives. I can promise you that.
    Firstly - Family. What can I say? You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. I don't think you should see it as them leaving you. I think you should see it as you leaving them. They don't deserve you and you need to move on. There may come a time in the future when you'll be able to handle them again but equally that might never happen.
    I had an abusive childhood because of my father (and I used to day dream that he wasn't my father because I didn't want to be related to him) My mother was a good woman but she'd been mentally abused for so long that she was more like a shadow than a person. It wasn't until I was 16 and she finally kicked him out that she started to get better and we ended up having a very close relationship which I've always been grateful for. I learnt to forgive the mistakes that she made even though they caused me harm. I got all the 'being told you're worthless and no good' too. I got it from both my parents and several of my siblings. I can still hear it in my head. I came to terms with it over a number of years. I realised that my mother had been so ill mentally after all the abuse that she really didn't know what she was doing. She couldn't be held responsible.
    On the other hand, I made a conscious decision never to speak to my father again. Couldn't handle any more of his lies. He was a nasty piece of work. He died a couple of years ago and I've never regretted cutting contact.
    It also took years but I eventually learnt that my siblings were just reacting to a childhood that they found abusive too. We were all hurting but couldn't see the pain that everyone else was in. I'm now very close to my 2 sisters and 1 of my 3 brothers. I don't speak to the other two.
    What I'm trying to say is that you should cut out the people who cause you pain. It doesn't matter if they are family, you need to cut contact. You can't have all of their baggage on top of your own. Your own baggage is more than enough for you to deal with.
    Put them in the past and move on. You can't be thinking of them at the moment.
    Sad to say but that's what you're going to have to do with the sexual abuse too. (And I'm talking from experience) You have to say to yourself 'That was then and this is now. That doesn't happen anymore because I'm in control now.' It's a hard thing to do but practise makes perfect and eventually you will come to terms with it. You've survived it and you'll be able to live with it. You're not a victim anymore hun, you're a survivor and that's a much better thing to be.
    Uni can be horrific when you first get there. I didn't make a single solitary friend in the first year. (I had three children and couldn't do the 'social' side of things) If its an elite place then it may also be a major culture shock. Don't undermine how serious culture shock can be. This may well be the final stressor that's set you off.
    You've got three options. You can get on with it and hope a friend turns up at some point (and one will) and just concentrate on your studies until that happens. You can have a think about whether this is the right Uni for you or would you rather be somewhere else? My daughter went to Surrey to do a degree in Music. We all told her that she'd hate it but she didn't believe us. She was used to living in Manchester with a fantastic music scene and a multi cultural atmosphere that we love and she went into the middle of nowhere. She was horrified by the racism and the homophobia and loathed every minute. So she stuck it out for the first year just to show she could and then she got a transfer to Manchester to do Events Management instead. She graduated this year with a First and got a really good job doing Events Management for a large company. Moving Uni could prove to be the best thing for you too.
    Finally, you can go to the Uni and say you need to take a year out. You can spend that year getting a new counsellor and looking into diet and exercise and coping mechanisms. I wouldn't really advise that route though. I think you're better staying in Uni.
    I'm sorry that your counsellor has withdrawn from you but it says a lot about you that he/she became attached to you. Having done so, they really do have to get you another counsellor because they won't be objective enough. You've probably learnt all you can from that counsellor though and a new one might be really good for you. Try to be positive about it and not see it in such a negative way.
    Your friend sounds like she's intimidated by you. If I'd have met you when I was 18, I'd have been intimidated too. You're almost superhuman. That's a really hard thing for friends to live up to. My sister is very similar to you in that respect. She does everything so perfectly that the rest of us feel inadequate. Let your friend go, she'll probably come back when the time is right and she's got over her own insecurities.
    It's also very hard to be the first person in a family to go to Uni. Makes you feel isolated from them somehow. It's bloody awful when they don't even appreciate the massive achievement. I appreciate it though and in the future there will be all sorts of people in your life who appreciate it. Plus, you'll be able to emphasize with people going through it and help them cope.
    You need to put your life into stages. The first stage was the horrific family background. Thats behind you now so you can leave it in the past. The good news is that the lessons you learnt from that background are going to be really helpful in the future. That's the part that shows just how strong you are and how capable you are. You're really going to benefit from those lessons, you just haven't seen the benefits yet.
    You're now in the next stage which is Uni. You know what you want to do, you've proved that you can work towards and achieve your goals and you're going to spend the next three years or so working towards your future. With all the experiences that you've had, your future is going to be very bright.
    Nothing to stop you writing the book. I constantly write trashy romance novels that never see the light of day but I like writing them. You don't need to hurry with this goal though, learn a bit more about the outside world first.
    As I said earlier, you're going to make a fantastic social worker and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I have a very close friend who's a social worker. When she was 15 her father kicked her out and she lived on the streets for six months. She had a major speed habit to get her through. She turned her life around. Went back to college as a mature student and eventually got the Masters in Social work. She now works with children at risk and her personal experiences make her well equipped to do the job.
    I love that you want a family one day. When I was little I used to think 'I wish I lived in a happy family' all the time. I grew up thinking it. Every day for years. Then one day I woke up and realised that I did live in a happy family, a very happy family. It was the family that I had with my husband. Dreams like that one do come true, so you have all of that to look forward to as well.
    I think at the moment, you've lost motivation etc because this is the first time you've been able to relax away from all your worries at home. Plus the culture shock of Uni etc. You're probably mentally exhausted. Let yourself rest for a few days and give yourself some TLC. You'll come out of it fighting again.
    Seriously, girls like you are an inspiration. I feel really privileged that you've shared your story with me.
    Ride it out Kirsty! You've a really fantastic future ahead of you and you're not going to want to miss it. xxxx
  15. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Good God, thank you for that reply. . . you put my essays to shame!

    I can see all of your points, i really can. . . it just doesn't feel like that. . .

    My stuff may seem impressive to deal with but it's all i've known so i guess it's not that big a deal. . . however you seem to be coping considerably well considering the snippet that i just got; well done :)

    Thank you for taking the time out; i really appreciate it. . . people on here are really lucky to have you :)

  16. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    It doesn't feel like that because you're in the illness, you're not going to be objective about anything right now because you're not well enough.
    Don't worry about that though because you'll come round. I'm signing off now because (I'm embarrassed to say) I'm a Celebrity is on and I promised my husband I'd watch some TV with him later.
    I will be back tomorrow though and I'll be checking on how your are so make sure you come online at some point. In the meantime, do something comforting - favourite book, film, chocolate whatever and think about what I've said.
    Lots of hugs! xxx
  17. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Thank you thats really lovely,
  18. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Kristy. You have a lot to be proud of. You managed to overcome a large amount of adversity and get accepted into a fine university in England. Don't worry if you don't fit in with those rich, upper-class, phony people. Let them enjoy their croquet games and polo competitions.

    You have a lot of meaningful goals that you want to achieve and I think that you should achieve some more of your goals before you call it quits. Don't give up on your goals so easily. Finish university, write your book and have a family. There's still so much that you have to experience. Show people that you're stronger than they think. :hug:
  19. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Thats really lovely thankyou,
    thats the problem; they already think i'm lead,

    But thank you

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