Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cantswing, Feb 24, 2007.

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  1. cantswing

    cantswing Member

    I know this sounds selfish but I feel trapped because my wife won't swing with me. she understands that I can't love another but just doesn't want to see me with others. she says she wants me all to herself. I feel like she is being selfish. I've had feelings like this since childhood and I have just been able to come out with it a year ago. I've been considering suicide lately... yea I know you think I think about sex too much but this is me.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you feel trapped cantswing, but I can understand why your wife would feel this way. With the diseases out there, it just isn't safe. I could say how I feel about it, but it really isn't important. Listen to your wife and why she feels as she does. She may have very valid reasons. And wanting you to herself is one. When you married did you express to her that she would not be your only partner? Usually you commit to each other that each will be the only one. Sorry if I cannot sympathesize with you more cantswing.
  3. cantswing

    cantswing Member

    that's not true about diseases... I know most of you don't understand swinging...but here's a comparison... a cheating guy will often sleep with just about anyone.. without rules..not to mention the girl likely sleeps around a lot or is a cheater too.

    swingers are not cheaters, if anything they are more against it. they pick up on couples that are solid in their relationship and rarely have disease related issues..sure stuff happens..some bad ones get mixed in there but they stand out in a crowd

    most swingers are married long before they are able to come out with it... I did tease about threesomes but there never really seemed to be a good/safe way to do it.

    a year ago I found swinging and i've since realized a non-sleezey way exists to do this does infact exist. I felt like I found what i've been searching for all my life and my wife won't share it with me :(
  4. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Why do you feel the need to sleep with other people? If you're not finding sex with your wife exciting any more then there are lots of things you can do to spice things up other than adding another person/people into the equasion. Can't really describe those things because there are minors on this site, but there are plenty of websites and books out there that will tell you. I think you should respect your wife's feelings on this matter, this is the sorta thing that can break up marriges. And really, is sex more important than your wife?
  5. cantswing

    cantswing Member

    guess this is the wrong site.. sex is great with my wife..that's another misconception about swingers... its about giving and sharing... we all have fantasies and its possible to live some of them if you talk to each other about it...its somet ing you do together ...you share the experience .... it wouldn't be any fun without her
  6. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Mate I know a lot about swinging, never done it myself because it doesn't appeal to me. But I'm good friends with a couple who run a swingers group. I know that it's something couples enjoy doing together. My point is that your wife doesn't want to do it, yet it still holds an appeal for you. What is this appeal? Why do you want to share an experience with your wife that she doesn't want to experience?
  7. cantswing

    cantswing Member

    because i've felt lost..like I was different ...most of my life ... and now I know why and I don't have to be... I know shed enjoy it if she let herself..
  8. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    You gotta respect her wishes though. If she doesn't wanna do it it'd be wrong of you to make her. Are you sure swinging is the answer to your problems? I've felt lost and different most of my life too, and flited from thing to thing looking for the answer. When the solution was to look deep within myself and try to sort the problems inside. Have you ever thought you'd found the answer before and then when you'd done it felt just as hollow as you did before? What made you come to this site inparticular? You know it's not a site about sexual problems, so do you know deep down that you are depressed and suicidal despite the current situation with your wife?

    Sorry if I'm way off base here.
  9. cantswing

    cantswing Member

    yea I have.. on other things.. sometimes I feel like picked the wrong career because i'm not where I want to be... but I know that isn't true..

    yea I came here because i've had suicidal thoughts for awhile now... i'm on lexapro for anxiety but deep down I think I do suffer from depression ... went on paxil to try and save a buck and omg I had homicidal thoughts instead.. went off that real quick...

    maybe they are the same maybe they aren't ... but i've had STRONG desires to do this all my life... I feel jipped in life ...its hard to explain..its embarrasing..I feel shame and guilt for feeling this way... I keep explaining to myself why it won't happen and for a while i'm ok... but then it comes back with a vengeance and I feel so angry that she wont
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I don't think you are off base Mal. Please consider the feelings of your wife cantswing. Even if she seems selfish to you, you are being equally selfish in asking her to do something she is against. And no matter how careful you try to be, sharing partners carries risks. All it takes is one infected person to spread to hundreds and thousand of others. Don't be fooled into thinking that everyone out there will be honest with you about their past. They may be honest, but someone they were with wasn't and they don't know they are a carrier. Is it worth the risk? I really don't think so. If you want that risk, that should be your choice, but then you are forcing it on your wife. That to me is selfish.
  11. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Think you made the right descion coming off paxil, it can effect people that way so don't feel bad about the homicidal thoughts.

    Maybe you should get some counselling. I'm by no means saying you're crazy for wanting to swing. As I said I know quite a few people who are non-manogamous. But they tend to become so later in life when they've, to quote one friend of mine "sorted their shit out". Maybe you should focus on sorting the other problems in your life before you make the decision to be a swinger.

    I just think it would be a mistake to pin all your hopes on this and possibly lose your wife in the process, only to end up feeling just as empty but without the companionship of your wife. I lost the most important person in my life because of my problems, don't let that happen to you.
  12. Death71

    Death71 Guest

    I can't bear the thought of my ex sleeping with someone else. To think of them touching and having intimacy together as i had with her destroys me inside. I'm sure your partner must feel the same way about you as she obviously loves you. I suppose some people can seperate sex and love, it sounds as if you can but i think it would destroy your relationship with the person that you love.

    It sounds awful but i think that possibly unless you can honestly change to only wanting to sleep with your partner, than you may need to think about finding someone else with the same attitudes to sex as you that you could have a relationship with. It's a lot easier to type that than to do it, and i do feel for you, but I think to try and persuade your partner into doing something that goes against her beliefs will end very badly and do great harm.
  13. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your wife seems to be afraid to swing, and perhaps with good reason. Marriage is supposed to be a mutual thing - with decisions agreed on by both people. So if your wife doesn't want to, and you do, maybe marriage counseling would be in order. I'm sorry you feel suicidal over this. Again, counseling could be of great assistance to the both of you. Good luck to you .

  14. zusanna

    zusanna Active Member

    i think death71 absolutely has it right. sexual health is very very important, and if you feel that this is something you need to do for yourself, then maybe you need to find someone else who shares this common interest with you. i am polyamorous, and it goes beyond "spicing up" my sex life. an old friend of mine described it well - maybe some peoples' hearts are just big enough to hold more than one person. and in your case, replace 'hearts' with 'beds'. hehe :)

    if you would like to talk about this with someone who understands where you are coming from, send me a PM.
  15. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    For God's sake, let's stop tiptoeing around this issue and just come out with it. Why did you get married if you did not want a monogamous relationship? You say you feel that you have always had this deep-seated need to "swing". Well, personally, I don't think that should be your wife's problem. If my husband even came close to suggesting this I would be out the door. You're lucky you have a wife who is actually willing to even stay with you through this whole mess. Trying to force her into a situation with which she is obviously very uncomfortable would be tantamount to rape and she would resent you for the rest of her life.

    As far as being suicidal about this goes, perhaps you should talk to a therapist and get your priorities straight. The desire for this type of sexual expression cannot possibly be the core reason for the feelings you are having. I am sorry that this issue seems to be bothering you so, but there must be other reasons behind your desire to "swing" with your wife. If you can get to the source of those issues, then perhaps you will understand yourself a little better and be able to get past this.
  16. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I'd disagree with peanut0017 slightly. In my opinon relationships are meant to grow and change, and i know that in some cases when we are alone we have trouble finding those core parts of us we have always wanted to express. Sometimes when we have a relationship, we have a foundation and can start to look at our more inner feelings and desires, and move forward with expressing them. More of, feeling more confident on finding oneself and trying to bring those thoughts to reality. . but your relationship was built on a set of standards, grounding. Your wife apparently has taken your sexual relationship to be restricited to you two alone. That's a core part of the foundation of your relationship. It's not so simply changed. You have your position, feeling that you know your way you want to live and express yourself, and feel, but are restrcited from touching with it. It's making you feel shitty at the least. Then theres your wife, your partner. She's just found out her husband wants to sleep with other women, have sex with other couples. Go as far into that as you want, cause you just know in her head when she thinks about it, she'll be going into every detail of it. That's if she even has thought about the details. She could not even get that far and brought out a solid wall to the whole situation, because of the foundation of your relationship, that you are sexual for eachother only, and everytime you present the question or the desire she walls you with a simple no. i donno..

    You're asking her to change your relationship. To even remotely do that you need to look at it from her perspective. If you can get her to even look at it past the simple 'no', where she is actually openeing her feelings out to the perspective, .. u really are going to have to prove your love and devotion to her. As far as you know she's never had these feelings, so the whole idea is foriegn to her. She'll not be able to connect the dots and take the same paths to reason you are, and she might fall into alot of jeralously, despair... i mean.. u have to be careful. to u its not a big deal, but to her its a major part of ur relationship. ur moving a bottom card of a house of cards .. tread lightly and hold her hand. U've really got to put the effort forward with her on this one. You're already in serious pain, and im sure this is very much contributing to it.. to not be allowed to be who u are, especially because you do not want to harm a person you love,.. it's twisting and tormenting.. but this situation could simply be igniting other issues that maybe, you need to be addressing first before moving forward.

    Sex is sex in the end. i hear you on swinging. One thing i know, and as death71 mentioned, some people can not seperate sex and love. She might not be able to even comprehend it yet.

    All i can say is, .. respect her. Take it slowly with this with her.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 25, 2007
  17. zusanna

    zusanna Active Member

    what an awesome reply blake.
  18. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Relationships DO grow and change. This is what the vows are for...reminding us that for better or for worse, we are committed. The vows also include total fidelity (which, as far as most people are concerned, includes physical AND emotional loyalty). This may vary if you were not married in a church, of course.

    However, despite the changes that take place, your vows are there to assure that certain things (usually fidelity and commitment) will NEVER change, and your wife is probably thinking right about now that this is not exactly the marriage she signed up for, and you can hardly blame her.

    Try to keep in mind also that not only has she been told that you want to sleep with other women, but that you want HER to sleep with other men! This is naturally going to make her think that you care less about her, because not only are you NOT jealous (an unattractive quality in the extreme, but a very flattering quality in moderation), but that you would actually be turned on by seeing her share the most intimate of experiences with someone else. That has to sting a little, to say the least.

    That said, suicide certainly is not the answer to this conundrum. I would suggest couple's counselling, as your wife is obviously willing and ready to try to make things work with you.
  19. cantswing

    cantswing Member

    I was feeling better now it's back with a vengance. I wanna die. I hate my life. I hate the world. I am tired of being wrong. I'm tired of wanting something so badly I can't have and no one understands or cares why. Whats the easiest way to off one self?
  20. mike25

    mike25 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I do think you are sex obsessed. Wake up because this forum is for people with REAL problems. Write to an agony aunt or something.

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