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SWM looking for answers.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by X-51, Jul 12, 2009.

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  1. X-51

    X-51 Active Member


    I'm not entirely sure were to go with this. Not sure if it's in the right place. If not, move it, delete it, whathaveyou.

    Not sure what to say, or who to say it to. Or even if I did, what the end result would be, or what it is that I'm hoping for. I don't know what I want, and I don't know if I'd be satisfied if I got it. I guess I want what anyone wants. Security. Approval. The things that make life worth living for most. Purpose, perhaps. But light without eyes, illuminates nothing.

    I've talked to friends, family...even saw a therapist or two. But ultimately I end up getting confused faces and trite platitudes about "self acceptance" and "finding a hobby" etc. etc. None of which address the issue at hand.

    If life isn't worth living, why would I want a distraction from this fact, rather than a viable reason for perpetuating the act of breathing for it's own merits? So I suppose that's why I'm here. To see what the lost, lonely, starved for attention masses have, that keeps them going. Why should we, the clearly genetically disadvantaged, keep struggling to breathe through malformed nasal passages? Why do we trudge through every day, just praying to whatever deity we haven't tried yet, for some kind of purpose reason, or meaning for the endless monotony, sorrow and pain?

    I for one, am running out of answers.

    Some background: I'm 25 years old. Male, detestably short (5'4" if we're being generous and wearing my trademark boots.) And thin as a rail. (100lbs) I have a terrible aversion to eating, only doing it because it's required. Though that in itself, is debatable. I have an uneventful job, that comprises the bulk of my uneventful life. I'm not humorous. I'm not witty. The list of my personal failures goes on. But I'll get to that later. I have very few friends, though the ones that I have are dear. Not so dear that I can be quite so open with them as I might like, but to be honest I'm not sure that even if I did have that sort of relationship that I would be so inclined to divulge such information anyways. I work, I come home, I sleep. I wake up, and the cycle begins anew. I've lost interest in video games. I read, but in a society in which "Harry Potter" and "Twilight" are all the rage, I grow weary of going into bookstores at all these days. I fancy myself an intellectual, but really I'm just stuck up. Intellectuals seek out new information. They try to learn, for the sake of learning. I just hate everything, so the illusion of intellectual superiority is all the more carefully crafted to those around me.

    I'm also riddled with contradictions. This is my biggest problem, and really the crux of what brings me to this forum.

    I genuinely go out of my way to try to be nice to people. For the most part, as much as I can. I over-think things often. Always assuming that an off-hand remark might be taken as offensive, so I end up apologizing for offenses that I never committed. Which confuses the people I'm apologizing to, to no end. I want a girlfriend, yet can't stand being around the vast majority of people so the chances of such a thing happening are slim to none. Not only that, but let's face it, 10's marry 10's and 2's marry 2's, and I'm not entirely sure I want to saddle someone else with me for however long we might last. Have I mentioned that I view relationships with abject terror due to the risk of being cheated on? Cheating is a cardinal sin in my eyes. One of very few real "morals" that I espouse. Betrayal is the "sweetest cut of all" and the most merciless. Though to be honest, having any woman leave me for someone else in any capacity would be unbearable, as it's merely confirmation of my failures, and the success of random faceless John Q public who has better abs, teeth, hair, height and personality than me.

    I suppose it's hard to explain. But I find myself thinking one thing, and yet doing another. Or vice verse. I often can see both sides of the argument rather well, a strong point in my personality, though one of few. However, this causes me to waffle on a good many points. I don't have many firm political views, and I find myself constantly in flux, in terms of what believe in. What I want from life. And how I view the world.

    When I was a child, I learned quickly that nobody wanted to be around me. So I would find the local clique who's standards were just low enough that I could talk to them without getting instantly beaten up, and adapt my personality to taste. I've become an excellent mimic. For over a year, I pretended I was an English college student. From Essex no less. (I live in the south.) I can pretend I like rap music, and hold spirited conversations with others on the topic for hours. Or I can be a good old fashioned redneck, clinging to guns god and government. I can hang with the geeks, the freaks the nerds, and the preps. Over time, I lost sight of who I am. I have no idea anymore if I even like things because I genuinely find merit in them, or if it's merely more of the facade that my entire life has become.
    I have molded myself into an amorphous blob of pre-hashed opinions, predictable ideology and day time catchphrases. I feel empty inside. I don't even know who I am anymore in the truest sense of the word.

    I do know that I don't like myself though. Even a faceless mass, can detest it's lack of identity. The worst part, is being able to acknowledge this. You know that old thing, about rockstars, starting out as just kids in a garage band, trying to look cool for the girls, and ending up filling concert stadiums, with every idiot teen girl wanting desperately to be the object they write mournful, and overly emotive anthems for. Eventually people begin to question why they keep doing it. For the music or the money. They lose sight of why they began, and ultimately fall apart and fade away. Only a select few ever get out alive. (10 points if you get the reference.)

    Well, I have neither the fame or fortune of rockstars, but I have absolutely zero clue who I am anymore. And to be honest, I'm not sure that if I found out, I would be any better off.

    When I walk near groups of people, sometimes I hear a burst of laughter just as I pull away from them. Inevitably I assume that they are laughing at something I've done, or the way I look. When I'm happiest about the way I look, that's when I seem to attract the most stares. None of them good mind you. I self consciously check myself hundreds of times on the way to my destination. Going back and forth from my zipper to my shirt which hangs over my skeletal frame, to my hair, and back down to my zipper which I'm constantly certain has plunged to the depths of hell itself, displaying in full righteous glory what can only be laughingly referred to as my "manhood." To be honest, after doing research it appears I'm hovering at average size in all dimensions, but every man I think harbors some deep seated inner fear that whatever he's packing is nowhere near enough. Real or imagined, the thought is paralyzing.

    I can't concentrate long enough to learn or assimilate any new information, if it doesn't capture my interest. Even video games, find my character plunging himself into the exact same situation that killed him over and over and over again, with no deviation in what is clearly a losing strategy. I get frustrated, and push forward with solutions that clearly won't work, hoping that by brute force alone, I can *make* it work, without having to devise a new stratagem. I find myself staring off into space for no reason. When I'm reading even the most engrossing novels, I stare right through the pages at times, as my mind wanders off. It makes it rather difficult to learn. I've tried medical solutions, none of which do the job.

    So that's me I suppose.

    Hindsight may be 20/20 but looking backwards increases the likely hood of walking into signposts:

    My outlook on life, could be described as, transient, but typically bleak. I don't believe that I'm genetically viable. I'm weak, short, plagued with allergies, poor vision and teeth. Not particularly handsome. Mostly it's the height that gets me the most. I accept that everyone has some flaw. Some more than most, and that there's typically little, if anything that can be done about it. Be it doomed, or blessed, we are who we are. The problem is, that I don't believe that I *should* be here. I'm not genetically viable. Not a very good specimen at all. I should not have been born. As said before, 10's marry 10's and 2's marry 2's. All I'll end up doing, if I procreate is cursing my progeny with the same problems that plague every moment of my existence. The species is supposed to breed up, not down. For this, and many other reasons, I've dismissed any notions of procreation.

    The simple fact of the matter is, that beautiful people, are happier. Make more money. Live longer lives. And are generally better off. The mutants such as myself however, are not. We are the inner workings of society. The day laborers, the ditch diggers, the ones not pretty enough to get the desk job, but rather the ones condemned to living in an ever shifting and unstable working environment. Faceless, nameless, masses. Call centers, technology careers, laundry cleaners, server techs and admins, mechanics etc. etc. etc.
    Some pull down a nice wage. But never get the respect of society that they're worth. Damned to drudgery. Toiling in shadows. A footnote on the annals of history.

    Speaking of history, did I mention that it's entirely written by winners? How many soldiers died during WW2? Lives lost for a (cruel and pointless) cause that supported by people who felt the need to intervene in the lives of others. All gone. They exist now, merely as statistics. But I use the 2nd world war as an example, because it's big, and typical. I speak however, also of the factory worker that dies in some random accident. The mother that falls down the stairs. Heart attack victims, Strokes seizures and accidents of all kinds. When we die, nothing really happens. The world shrugs, and keeps moving. Michael Jackson just died. But few are speaking about him, personally. Every time I hear another sound byte I cringe, as I imagine the dollar signs that it generated. The man exists now, merely as another spectacle. His entire life. His existence, is merely a new way to make money. When 9/11 happened, and suddenly American flags became hot commodities I truly felt physically ill whenever I saw one being sold for outrageous prices at gas stations and bus-stops. The trivialization of life bothers me, despite the triviality of life itself. (one of my many personal contradictions.)

    Strife, the universe, and everything:

    Life is meaningless.

    Ultimately, that's where we stand. The universe will spin forever, with or without us. I hate myself for squandering my youth. Despite hating every breath, and the problems that its perpetuation brings, I'm terribly thanataphobic. (Fear of death.) Not because I'm afraid of the "other side" (there is none.) but because I don't want to cease existing.
    Humans can contemplate everything but zero. We can imagine (to a point) an enternity of suffering, or pleasure. But zero?

    The invention of zero is actually heralded as a significant mathematical achievement. The idea amuses me.

    To get to the point, I never want to die, because I feel that I've squandered my youth. I'm jealous of the unborn, for all the things they will experience that I will not. Yet I'm jealous of those my age, because of all the things *they* have experienced that I have not, and will not. And the meager 70+ years that I may have ahead of me, will never be enough to experience the whole world anyways. And yet even if I did, so what? I'm terribly apathetic about it anyways. I wouldn't want to see china. 90% of the world, for that matter, I don't care about. And yet I don't want to die....


    I've come to the realization that jealousy hits me more than anything. I'm *jealous* of other people's potential lives, and current lives, because I know that my life sucks so much. And no manner of attempting any change will fix that.

    Even if I did live forever, it wouldn't change how my life goes. The metaphor is, that if I'm playing baseball, my ball is the one that will inevitably break the window. If my friends go somewhere uninteresting, and I refuse to go, then something amazing will happen, and they'll have all these great stories. If I go, it's a boring trip, that ends up in a fight.

    When I try to change things for the better, I fail. When I make no attempt, I fail. When I do everything and nothing, I fail.

    Ultimately these experiences have taught me that life is meaningless. The world will go on, and endure countless wars, plagues, pestilences, and problems. It will see births, deaths, carnivals, big screen tv's, space exploration and other advances and defeats. And none of it will *matter* in any viable manner. It's a program running a recursive loop. Nothing more, and nothing less. I pose the question: If humanity were to become extinct tomorrow....so what? What changes, what matters? What's the point?

    Enter: Religion, with it's shiny solution to all life's problems. (I do not believe in any god, or religion.) Yet this cannot be verified, and when faced with critical examination, becomes nothing more than wishful thinking. A hope against hope, that should the universe emit it's final death wail, that our "souls" will go off to heaven or hell, and all will be right with the universe. Because our lives will not truly "end" but change.

    You can notice the faint flavours of this line of thinking, even among athiests. "Death is the answer to one of life's greatest questions", and "It's the next great adventure!" and other such happy-go-lucky outlooks on what cannot ever be changed.

    To all those who say they do not fear death, I cry shenanigans. It's why we look both ways when we cross the street. It's why religion has survived for so long, it's why we brush our teeth, and take our medicine and vitamins. The few lucky ones that acknowledge the pointlessness of these exercises are not spared any pain, because we're still in the same boat regardless.

    We console ourselves when faced with death, by talking about all our "achievements" and the friends that will mourn our passing, and the "ripples our lives have made" and other such bullshit feel-good garbage that is as just as empty as the paper it's printed on. (and subsequently sold as a smart-assed inspirational poster for $19.95)


    If life has purpose, and if life is really something to be saved, which is what I see so often from these "1800-suicide" hotlines and whatnot, then why do we feel the need to convince ourselves of it? What *is* our purpose? If it's nothing more than self prescribed pithy little goals, such as waking up in the morning, or dying in a mansion, then so what? Even if attained, you still die, and the world forgets you were ever here. Swallowed up like a marble in the sahara.

    Nihilism is often considered a great evil, yet no one has ever really proven why. They say it leads to despair, and the loss of religion, yet suicide is typically the only "problematic end-result" of these symptoms. No one has ever really proven why suicide is bad.

    Oh, I could grow up to be the next Einstein? That's nice. I also have the same probability of becoming Hitler too. Some people would have been better off aborted, no? Or would they? Does it matter?

    I hate my life, because it's empty. I hate my prospects, because even though I have none, even if I did, they would be devoid of meaning.

    I'm not sure what I'm looking for. And I'm not sure what I'm running from.
    Am I just some over-privileged American who doesn't realize how easy I've got it? Is the grass in my field a beautiful shade of green to someone in the world? Maybe even someone on these forums? And if so, does that mean a damn thing? Hmph. Just because I exist in a state better off than a starving African, does not make my *existence* any less trite. Therein lies the issue.

    I don't know. I'm not much for self pity. I think I just want answers. Someone elses' perspective. I don't want the usual crap.

    "You have value"
    -justify this un-justifiable statement and win a quarter. Some people are scum. If you knew me outside of the internet, who's to say what "inner value" you might attribute to some random stranger?

    "Life is precious"
    -No it's not. We kill every day without prejudice. Spiders, snakes, flies. Just because they're nuisances. Even a vegetarian diet causes the deaths of several thousand woodland creates annually, due to harvesting techniques and deforestation. Just because it's not "intentional" or direct, doesn't make it any less killing.

    "Potential of the future"
    -Blah. Potential for success and failure, only have merit if you place such merit upon them. Aside from that, either scenario is nothing more than a prelude to a cold grave, and oblivion.

    Look upon my works ye mighty....and go "meh."
  2. hellohello

    hellohello Member

    you're right, there's no purpose to anything if you really think about it, that's why we are so good at inventing religions...
    but i guess there's something in all our brains that tells us we must go on, that makes us want to go on.... i don't know what it is... it's bloody hard to explain and i am v.v.v.v. tired... but i'd like to chat with you again about this on this forum... you have said some very deep things that most people don't like to think about... lets talk again soon... as i said i'm very tired and have to get up early to go to work which i'm really not looking forward to... being harrassed and bullied there myself, and why do i want to go in? chat soon... take care...
    by the way, you do have stuff going for you, you are clearly very intelligent, and you write very well too!!!!
    bye for now
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WE go on because everyone has purpose some have not found it yet thats all. We go on because we have as much to offer to this world as anyone else
    We go on because we are fighters survivors and we care about others who are suffering giving them hope as in return we get. We go on because what else can we do cause suffering to others because of our pain Not selfish enough You are very articulate very intelligent and I feel if you put that brain to much use you could help many people suffering and in need of support
    Answeres we have to find in ourselves but i know no one will ever tell me i am anything less than anyone else on this planet. I am as important or even more so than the person who claims they have no illness. We go on because that is human nature to survive. Take care
  4. scorpio63

    scorpio63 New Member & Antiquities Friend

    I believe you are over thinking some of the issues, it is what it is.
    Religion? I don't believe in any deities, no heaven no hell, nothing.
    Outward appearance: If you don't like the way I look then look away, I'm not dressing or grooming for your acceptance or approval.
    Attitude: I am #1 to me, I'll take care of myself. If it comes at another's expense then to bad. No one can care for me like I can.

    I never give more than I can afford to lose, it takes to much to build up reserves.
    I take pride in certain things I have accomplished, if you aren't proud of them as well don't dog me.
    If you don't like me then tough shit.
    I've accepted the way I am, all the nuances that make me who I am I've accepted.
    I don't depend on other people, I don't plan more than a few days in advance.
    If something good happens I wait for the bad things that follow.
    I trust my dogs and my parents.
    Will I ever find a girlfriend/get married again? Probably not. All the women in my "love life" have been, shall we say, not very good human beings. But that is the type I am attracted to, the sluts, the undeceives, they give me some attention and I am "in love". That's my bad, I can't blame anyone else.
    I am responsible for my own actions, this seems to be a disappearing trait.

    This is who I am, like it or not I don't care.
  5. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    You are very intelligent. And a fantastic writer. Of course this piece you've written is all I've seen of you, but I think its probably straight from the heart, or the real you, or whatever - not just some mask you're putting on - and you seem like a type of person that I admire. Whatever that means to you.

    I feel similarly about how pointless life is. I didn't always feel that way, but after a lot of learning and pondering I came to that conclusion. I often wish that I'd never done so, and had gone on like so many of the people around me who seem to think that everything has such strong meaning. I feel like I see reality, and they don't, they just carry on happy and oblivious. I wish I could too, but its too late. I can't go back now that I've realized the truth about our existence. I feel condemned to a life full of pain as well. I wish I never had been born, but I had no choice in the matter, and now I just wish to die.

    Anyway, I just thought I'd say that I can relate to some of what you said, and I'm impressed by your intelligence and eloquence.
  6. Neverhappyalwayssad

    Neverhappyalwayssad Well-Known Member

    Wow you just spoke my mind. When I'm walking somewhere, I'm constantly checking, patting my hair making sure its not going crazy, checking my zipper, making sure my shirt is buttoned. Right now I'm preparing to go to a one year program to give me some grip on life, and maybe it works, have you thought of doing a Residential program? Seems scary to me but hey maybe it works.
  7. momeick

    momeick Member

    All I can say is ... no one likes me either, so I feel your pain. I'm a fairly attractive blonde female, average height, so your looks have nothing to do with it! I try to be there for people, too, but they always let me down. ALWAYS. If I figure out the answer, you'll be the first to know. Just know that you're not alone. Hope that helps.
  8. X-51

    X-51 Active Member

    It's been a busy few days for me. I'll get back to everyone soon.

    I would never be so arrogant as to assume I know what it's like to be in your shoes, so I cannot contradict your feelings on the matter to be sure. Though I may point out that if you truly are attractive and blonde, I like you by default. :cool:

    Back soon, I hope.
  9. Noctifer

    Noctifer New Member

    that was awesome, i rarely see stuff like that

    i agree with you X-51

    life is meaningless, humans are as important as the bugs we kill because they annoy us

    all we do in our life is go on and try to give it a meaning hoping that it matters and that it will have a impact on the world, hoping that there is a afterlife, a god, just because we fear death so much

    but truth be told there is none, no god, no afterlife, no meaning to live, just this miserable short life filled with delusions as hope, love and happiness

    i know how you feel, you are not alone

    i cannot say that my life is better or worse then yours. i live day to day without meaning, just "going with the flow"

    i asked myself the same questions that bother you and the only thing i found out is that nothing matters because once we die its over, no feelings, no pain, like a endless sleep without dreams, something truly beautiful in my eyes

    i don't fear death itself, just the pain that can be caused in the process to get there

    everyone can give your there answer but there is no true answer to your questions, if you are looking for a "normal" life then i wish you luck and i hope you get better
  10. scorpio63

    scorpio63 New Member & Antiquities Friend

    Not trying to start an argument, is this a global label? Or does this apply only to some who have "crossed the line"?

    I'm curious. Please reply.
  11. X-51

    X-51 Active Member

    Don't have too much time, so I just responded to everyone as much as I could.

    I hope you're well rested. It's been some time since I posted, I had intended to reply sooner, but my schedule bends to the wills of fate, and in it's infinite wisdom tends to be rather fickle. I'm very interested to hear more of your thoughts when you're more awake and less harassed. Let us hope that both circumstances arrive with haste. Many thanks for your kind words.

    Your response is one of purpose. But my question I suppose, is one of value. A quandary arises in all of this. You have many reasons as to why humanity does, or should sustain. But upon what authority do we hold these statements as truth? Subjectivity knows no prejudice after all. I for one, hold your ideology as rather compassionate. However, if the topic were different, the word co-dependant might also be attributable, would it not? I am interested to hear more of your views. What keeps your timex ticking?

    “It is what it is.” Hmm… mere acceptance does not sound like a very profitable place to be. I admire your self confidence. I often lie to myself and say that the opinions of others don’t affect me, but in truth I’m often gripped with fear at the thought of how things will inevitably end badly. Would you believe that I don’t like going to any sort of social gathering, because of (what I assume) will inevitably occur? You recall the movie, “Meet the Fockers” or some such title…I can’t honestly recall. It had Ben Stiller in it. Ultimately, I cannot watch such things because I see too much of myself in them. I never laughed at the horrendous predicaments the main character was dragged through like a wrecking ball. Instead, I cringe because such horrible luck does in fact occur, and I tend to assume that whatever bad thing will happen, will happen to me. *chuckle* I suppose that’s why I stay inside.

    But honestly, I can’t tell if it’s confidence, or merely acceptance of what you may consider a bad lot in life given that a lot of what you tend to “not care about” seems rather self deprecating. I do hope it’s the former.

    Do correct me, if my assumptions are poorly tendered.

    Thank you for the kind assessment. ^.^ To be honest, I’m not entirely sure who I am anymore. I spend a lot of time choosing my words carefully out of habit. This time, I’m not entirely sure what image I’m constructing. I seem to have lost my focus lately. I think that’s what heralded me to begin seeking answers or at least comfort once again.

    Admire? Hmm. I take that as a deep compliment. George Washington said: “If to be venerated for benevolence, if to be admired for talents, to be esteemed for patriotism, or if to be beloved for philanthropy, can gratify the human mind, you must have the pleasurable consolation of knowing that you have not lived in vain.”

    It struck me as appropriate given the topic.

    Because I’ve rejected almost all “truths” that leaves me in a rather fluid state. There are times when I feel that Eugenics is a cure to humanities ills, and there are times when I feel this is shortsighted and incredibly selfish if not juvenile. There are times when I think that I go through these thoughts because I don’t grasp their true gravity. I’ve never understood the concept of conviction. The feeling is completely alien to me. The only philosophy I seem to have embraced is nihilism. I see all things as subjective. That tends to be a bit of a downer. Not entirely sure why however. Perhaps that is the big question?

    In that why, if nothing means anything, does the question of what matters most, matter at all?

    Oh dear I’ve gone cross-eyed….

    Bothersome, is it not? I often buy shirts that are too long, just to ensure they cover my zipper when I go out. I also always wear an over-shirt in case something happens like a bird, suddenly nostalgic for the days of WWII, decides to dive bomb me with a stream of liquid embarrassment.

    Residential? To be honest I’m afraid I’m not familiar with the term. Enlighten me?

    I’ve already responded, but I like to make sure. ^.^ As always kind words are salve of many scars. I appreciate being placed at the top of your list. I promise to return the favour if I figure out the answer before you do. Deal?

    I rarely say stuff like that. When I found this forum, I wasn’t sure if I would even bother to post. I’m not entirely sure how long I’ll bother to stay. But I hope to get some perspectives before I go at least. I’m tired of the usual pre-packaged reasons for life. For suffering. For dealing with an existence that seems to be devoid of purpose and meaning that isn’t contrived.

    I’m not sure I want death, any more than I want life to be honest. With life, there’s always that potential that it will cease being a miserable place to be. Besides, I always have nightmares, about leaving the party just when the stripper arrives. (Metaphorically speaking.)

    As a side note, I used to work in a strip club. Most miserable, horrid place you could ever be. I highly recommend against it. Kind of out of left field, but it struck my mind, so I felt like typing it out.


    I’m interested in saying much more, but far more interested in what I might hear.

    On that note, let me ask this:

    There are so many here with guns to our own heads, holding our lives hostage, what is the ransom demanded?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2009
  12. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    I couldn't help but notice that in your long list of faults, being short was way up at the top. How much of your unhappiness with yourself has to do with being short?

    I wish I could introduce you to one of the most interesting men I know. He is the 3rd highest ranking black belt in the U.S. in the system of martial arts that I study. He's also an orthopedic surgeon. He has a beautiful, taller wife and beautiful children. Whenever I go to a seminar for karate, I see everyone flocking around him, eager to hear a bit of wisdom from him. He's about 5 foot 4.

    It seems to me that you haven't yet found what you should be doing with your life. Maybe you've stayed at this job you can't stand for too long. You're still young, so it's okay to still be looking for your place in this world. I think that when you find it, you'll be so busy getting comfortable there that you'll forget about most of the stuff you're complaining about. And once you find where you belong you'll almost swear that you're getting taller.

    My husband was 5 foot 5. When I mention that to people who knew him when he was alive, they're surprised. "Really?" they say, "He seemed taller." That's because he was very good at what he did and had the respect of everyone he knew.
  13. momeick

    momeick Member

    X-51: Guaranteed, if you spent 5 minutes with me, you'd probably decide not to like me. And I'd never know why. I must be an idiot. :)
  14. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    wow swm my attention deficit disorder prevented me from reading your entire post but I read snippets.All I can think is how much you are actually like so many others..how alike we all are.But some things would surprise you.At one time I was considered pretty but well I'm older now..but..I NEVER was able to make friends.People thought I was 'stuck up".Or they shunned me because I was 'pretty' but also "nice" so they would try to find fault with me one way or another.I went around with my metaphorical tail between my legs so people wouldn't think I was stuck up only to be shunned for being TOO nice.I couldn't follow through with anything.People thought I was doing so great.That I had everything going for me.I obviously don't.I developed self harming practices I never told anyone about.My point is,SWM,that I have discovered that more of us have shitty lives than we know...and the grass is usually not greener on the other side even if we are so sure it is.And your height isn't the problem,alot of girls love short guys.Its your self esteem.You ,like all of us,need to work on your issues and be good to yourself and seek comfort where it is offered..like this site.You are only 25-time is on your side if you do not give up.You are obviously smart enough and have a great writin style..and you are very witty.
    oh sorry your name is x-51? lol..oops thought it was SWM!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2009
  15. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    at least you got hormones in your body, i am a short guy who is severly deficient in testosterone, my life is a nightmare and I am truly fucked
  16. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    and I think our purpose is to procreate, if you are lucky and good looking or you are a guy with a high testosterone, you want to live and you want to be passionate about things, if you know deep inside you you cant find a mate, or you know it will be extremly hard, then yea, you are fucked and suicide or death is the only comfort

    what sucks is I used to have a high testosterone, but I was trapped in hell because of psychological things and external forces, now I killed my testosterone and I am really trapped in hell, there is no purpose in life

    if you crave women then you can probably get a girl, girls like guys who like them and there are more girls on the planet so you have that in your favor, what sucks is when you lose that craving for women
  17. scorpio63

    scorpio63 New Member & Antiquities Friend

    X-51, you based your assumptions on what I wrote. Obviously it's not the whole story and it's to long to be told here.
    Let me try to explain what I see as some mis-perceptions. I wear t-shirts, jeans and hiking boots; they are clean and in good shape. I was alluding to following the fashion trends. My hair is combed and I am growing it out into a ponytail, it's not dirty or unkempt.
    I spent some years in the Army and that has made a great impression on me.
    I feel I have a high degree of pride in myself for the most part, independent to a fault, reclusive and I would rather avoid social situations if at all possible.

    Curious, is your X-51 screen name a reference to the Scramjet Engine Demonstrator -WaveRider?
  18. Noctifer

    Noctifer New Member

    It applies to all. If you look at humans from a Godly perspective or the view of the universe we are totally unimportant. We are as noticeable as the millions of bacteria in our body, but we have no purpose. You could say that we are nothing more that "smart" animals, we simply try to survive and reproduce. But unlike animals we have a more complex way of thinking what makes life really hard for some of us, and we have more complex feelings.

    If the only reason we are here is to reproduce then it really has no meaning for me, and why would i want to be here if i don't even enjoy it.
  19. X-51

    X-51 Active Member

    I've never had any desire for children. I'm actually intent on having myself surgically sterilized. (Vasectomy.)

    So I at least, have consciously rejected the notion of procreation as my purpose. As I understand it however, you were not afforded the same choice which I imagine makes all the difference.

    I assume you've tried testosterone therapy? I don't want to be overly presumptive so I figured I would ask.

    More later.
  20. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Interesting writeup. But why wory about life too much. Just live it and enjoy it. Some people think too much. They intellectualize. I dont like people who intellectualize.
    Life is there to live, to help pthers. Even a little bit of work done for others awakesn the power within us, this is what a Swami wrote and I believe it. If you always think of yourself, you will have problems. Think of others and try to help them. You will start to feel the purpsoe of life.
    The purpose of life is to help others.
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