System Failure!

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Eleventyone, Jun 29, 2011.

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  1. Eleventyone

    Eleventyone Member

    Hi, I am a digital and traditional artist from the Southwest United States. I am currently in school for animation, but let’s face it…I’m not all that good. I currently have no job and have been looking for one steadily for the past three weeks…however, no one seems to call me back on anything. I have a degree in Veterinary Sciences and Chemistry already and very soon I’ll have an associate in digital animation, but that’s not even enough to get a dang burger flipping job for some reason… My parents tell me the reason I can’t find a job is because I’m not actually looking. I can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices that they think I’m a horrible failure and a burden to them. I can’t seem to talk about this to anyone because I’ll get either the “You just want attention, suck it up” response, the “It’s all my fault why can’t I ever please you”, or the occaisional Family Guy quote… I love my boyfriend to death, and I’ll be honest…if it weren’t for him I probably wouldn’t have made it this far. But…I can’t talk to him about this stuff, he doesn’t take it well.
    I have bipolar disorder, but my family doesn’t believe in mental illness. I’ve lost my insurance and can no longer get the medications I need. I noticed the mood swings in about 2006, which is when I first decided to seek help. I was prescribed bupropion and later lamotrigine in addition to that. The mood swings last about two weeks each, this current depressed episode has lasted about a month so far, though. I can’t seem to finish any new pictures or animations, I can’t sleep without knocking myself out, I sometimes can’t even leave my room until the cats whine to be fed. I’m miserable, there I said it…tired of feeling like I fail at everything, tired of being a drain to everyone, tired of my own lackluster creativity, tired of the heat here, tired of no rain, tired of feeling like every day is the same, tired of the panic attacks, tired of the skin-crawling depression. I shouldn’t have to feel this way.
    I used to feel like I was always running in my mind…either through darkness in a depressed time or through a blinding world of color in a manic time. It was a wild ride, but it also worked…I never actually wanted to kill myself before. Now, I feel like everything inside is falling apart. It reminds me of about a year ago…when my computer (who I lovingly call ‘Mr. Kite’) was infected with malware. I did everything I could to fix it, but slowly and surely it fell apart until it would not even turn on. I feel like that inside right now…slowly falling apart and being infected with malicious thoughts that get harder and harder to shut out…eventually, I too will be a lifeless husk. I wish there was a tech guy for my mind…
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums.. You shouldn't be so down on yourself.. You have accomplished quite a bit in your life.. Give the job search some time.. The way the economy is it is hard for everyone to find work.. Have you searched on the internet for jobs you are qualified for?? It might make you have to relocate but from the way you sound you are tired of the heat where you live.. Just keep your options open..
     
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