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T r I g G e R

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Casey., Apr 5, 2008.

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  1. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    When i was little, i used to have nightmares. I would wake up, with scratches and bruises all over my body. I would claw at myself during the night. I would wake up, and think that someone had hit me while i was sleeping.
    I think, maybe, this is what started everything. I had these dreams until i was 11. When i was 12, i stopped eating and started cutting. This was when i stopped being a "good catholic girl" and started being a badass. I tried pot for the first time. I bought all black clothes and died my hair. I got my tongue peirced. I eventually wound up in the hospital for cutting myself too deep. It was bad, there was blood everywhere. I told the doctors what they wanted to hear; that i was just looking for a release, i didn't really want to die.
    They send me home.
    When i was 13, i met April, and we hit it off instantly.
    She became my best friend.. my only friend.
    When we were 14, i kissed her. When we were 15, we went to Disney together. Spending a week in the same hotel room without your parents, in the same bed leads to certain things. When i was 18, she died. The same year, i went to the hospital for 3 months. And then i went back again. Then i started college.
    It was good, until i moved into my apartment. I became isolated. My exboyfriend killed himself.
    Here we are now.
    200 pills, a few bottles of everclear.

    I remember her eyes, the most. They were bright blue, just like mine, but they had these specs of gold in them, and if you looked at them long enough, they would change color with the lighting. When she died, at the hospital, i had to identify her. There was a picture, of her, on the floor. With puke all over her face. Her eyes were wide open, and they werent blue, they were grey. I will never, ever, forget that color, of her eyes. They gold was all gone, and she was empty looking. I turned to the doctor and shook my head no. They made me actually go see her body. Her eyes were closed, this time.

    I guess she was resting.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm really sorry about your friend April. I know that you really loved her. She's an angel watching over you now Andrea. I know that losing your girlfriend and also your ex-boyfriend must have been very hard on you. I'm sorry for all of your losses. I'm here for you when you need someone to lean on. :hug:
  3. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Im so sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you really loved her, and im truely sorry to hear that you lost her.
    I know it might not be much comfort, but if you ever want to talk, im here. Just PM me, im a good listener. :hug:
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I feel for your loss. Here I am, 43 years old, and if my partner killed herself, I don't know what I would do. In fact, I talked her out of suicide a couple weeks ago. She has the same problems with depression I do. I feel powerless when she feels this way. If she DID kill herself, I would beat myself up over it, even though she says that her daughter and I are the only people she sees, the only positive people in her life. The pain of abandonment is too much.
  5. astella

    astella Well-Known Member

    That's horrible. I'm sorry for the pain you and the people you knew had to go through. I can't imagine losing someone that important to me (mainly because I don't have someone like that to lose), but I really wish you and nobody else had to suffer. This world is really messed up.
  6. Ugly

    Ugly Active Member

    I'm sorry for your lost

    Too bad no one want to be my friend cause I'm ugly
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