Tainted Tranquility

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What am I supposed to do when the only place in the world I feel safe is literally raped from me?

I was at my friends house, their twins, and the only big brothers I've ever had. I love them both with all my heart, and no where makes me feel like I do at their place. It was a party. And when I party, I tend to party hard. I (and a friend) decided it was time for me to turn in and stop drinking, so she tucked me in to one of the twins beds, Dylan, and left me to sleep.

I came too, I'm not sure how long after, lying on my stomach. I was completely naked, and there was a guy behind me, already inside. I tried to turn to look at him, tried to kick him off of me, but his hand was in between my shoulder blades, and I was drunk. I couldn't get up. I tried to yell, the house was full of people. But he grabbed the back of my head and shoved it into the mattress. He never said a word to me, and he pushed my face into the bed so hard I passed out.

When I woke up I was alone. The same dim red light was on, and I was only wearing my panties. At first I thought it was a bad dream, so I got dressed and went into the bathroom, but my panties were on wrong, and it hurt so much. I went back into Dylan's room and locked the door, I didn't open it until everyone had left. Then I found Dylan passed out on the couch. I took him to his room and tucked him in, then fell back asleep.

I felt a little better with my best friend next to me, but it was a restless sleep. I don't know who the guy was. And I want to tell them what happened, but I don't know if they'd believe me. And I don't know what they can do about it. But everytime I've spent the night since then, I can't sleep. I haven't been able to lay in Dylan's bed since that morning.

I just don't know if I should try and tell them, or what...
sweetie i am so sorry that happened to you. i have had a similar experience, well no i can't say that because i know who raped me and it happend more than once. but i know how it feels when your safe place is lost seemingly forever. i was living with my friends when it happened. it was the only place i had to go at the time i had been disowned and thrown out of the house by my family. and then the only place i have to turn and run to becomes a house of horrors. i still have to see my rapist and just to have him look at me and know that there is nothing i can do makes it that much worse. you can try to tell your friends and if they are your true friends then they will support you and try to help you out in your time of need, but be carefull it could backfire on you and make things even worse. that is what happened to me. i hope that your friends are true friends and can help you come to a point of acceptance in this awful situation, but even they cannot just make it better. it will take time and a lot of hard work, but if they are your friends they will be more than willing to be there for you. sorry probably doesn't help that much i hope someone other than this moron (me) can help


Antiquitie's Friend
I am sorry for the hurt and the painful S*** that occured. You are brave to share this with us.

I feel you do need to get your confusing out to a rape counseling place. you know the womens domestic shelters type. Maybe your friends would understand, maybe not. take care of your self and your emotions with professionals, in confidence FIRST. Just TRY! If you don't the pain, hurt, memories, loss and confusion will be there to remind you constantly. After you discuss the an outsider you will know the words to say to your pals. You don't want to lose the friends or place that you hold safe.

I would hate for this to continue to cause you sleep disturbance or worse.

Also, as much as I hate to be ther bearer of a lecture type of words, maybe you need to look at your party habits. I had to in college times. I did things I am embarred of now. NOT AT ALL to blame yourself, but to guide you to protect you and see what is the danger around you. You sound like a fun, carefree individual. You can party crazy and not lose control or pass out. People can drink a great lot, but stop when you know their limit. You know that guys can handle liquor better than females due to their body type. That is unfair but true.

I don't want you to suffer anymore from this. thanks for sharing this painful time in your life. I will continue to monitor you. Know that we cry with you.

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