Take A Shot At Me.. Go On...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anam_Cara, Sep 10, 2008.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    you know, i have never judged anyone on this forum, not once, i have gone out of my way to help others even when my own problems were suffocating me... and yet last night a certain individual here attacked me for my beliefs on another thread.. i thought this forum was about support.. i come here because i have only here and one friend to turn to in my life that i CAN voice how i feel and now i cant even do that here without being attacked for it..

    all this is, just more confirmation that i SHOULD kill myself..ive spent another two days being verbally attacked by family to the point i am so stressed and ill over it that i am having GI bleeding.. i have chrons disease and only when i am severely stressed does it cause that.. so i turn to this forum for solace and a place to escape criticism and being cut down (which is how i spend the other waking hours of my life) and what happens? i get attacked here for voicing my beliefs.. im being attacked even as i speak here, being called horrid names again.. i cant do this.. i can NOT live being degraded and controlled, treated like im a piece of shit under my family's feet.. the hidious names that come from my elderly relatives mouth that she calls me, make me want to kill myself.. she makes me hate every breath i take.. never says anything positive about me, just points out my flaws tells me no one will want me or to be around me, calls me 4 letter words if i try to defend myself.. threatens me with whatever power she can wrench from me and use... and her husband, also a blood relative sat and snickered after he spent 45 minutes screaming at me until veins bulged in his face over the fact i rode with him when he went somewhere i needed to go, instead of staying home and playing lap dog to his wife.. he was weaving through traffic waving his hands screaming at the top of his lungs with the windows down, people were looking at him and shaking their heads.. he created such a spectacle i wanted to just open the car door and throw myself out into on coming traffic.. all that because i wanted to ride with him where he was already going.. i needed to get outside for a bit, im house bound due to illness 90% of the time... how f**ked up is their logic? if i want to go with them they attack me and cause wars, if i stay home they accuse me of being mentally sick because i wont leave the house.. i asked a question to my male relative yesterday, just a random question regarding something he was doing, and he reacted explosively lurching at me in a way that appeared threatening and slamming both hands on the table bellowing in a nasty voice " ITS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!!" a war ensued.. he paced, screamed at me, said very hurtful things... so, i went to the bedroom for the rest of the day hiding there and crying over the attack.. all i did was ask a QUESTION about the way he was doing something... today when i asked to ride along to the location he was going, he started reacting like a maniac and told me that it was my responsibility to deal with the issue i had questioned him on the day before.. OKAY.. first its none of my damn business and i can piss off..now all of a sudden it's my responsibility? this is what both their mind frames are like.. they contradict themselves constantly.. i live in permanent confusion wondering every moment what the F**K im gonna be attacked for next.. ive gotten so defensive that if someone even speaks to me i feel anger start to build... none of you understand but that's okay... i dont care anymore... attack me if you wish, push me even closer to killing myself... i know im worthless, a piece of shit, and that none of you care what happens to me... why do i even bother coming here for "support"?
  2. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i'm sure it will sound trite and hollow... but i care about you. it wrenches my heart to hear what you go through. i wont say i know how you feel. i wont say i've been there. our problems and situations are very different, but we share the desire for a better life. i know you may not believe me, but i wish i could help. i wish i could get you away from there. take you anywhere, find something better. wish i lived next door so i could drive you anywhere you wanted to go...or just go for a drive for the hell of it. i'm sorry life has delt you this lot, you deserve better. hang in there, i care and i'm here for you.
  3. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    It's like walking against a storm really... many posts are pushes in the right direction... but it only takes one negative post to render the rest useless. Interesting really.

    I had a look at your previous posts and no, you could probably have done without that sort of reply.

    I can relate to bits and pieces of what you've written, but as you say, each situation has it's unique variables. I've taken rather massive amounts of verbal abuse from older relatives, and yeah... unfortunately it alters ones personality permanently, and not for the better (I'm about your age and have never left my parents home, but that's a very different cup of tea).
    As things are now, do you see any way of getting away from them?
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You say you were attacked by someone here at the forum? can you shed a little more light on who this indiviual is!! Hopefully you know that is not what we are about. We try to offer advice and support!! Don't let what this person said to you to cloud your judgement.
    Are there any government agency's you can turn to for help finding you an apartment? I hate to hear what your family are doing to you. You don't have to take that shit from them!! Are you house bound or are you able to get out on a regular basis? If you are able to get out, maybe go to a park for a couple of hours and just enjoy the fresh air and the little critters living in the park. I am an isolationist and you couldn't get me to leave my bedroom for nothing.. With therapy I started by going to parks because there wasn't any one there to enter my little world!!
    If your up to it maybe volunteer at a animal shelter for a couple of hours. It will give you that feeling that you are making a difference to some poor animal who is facing a certain death if no one adopts them!! Try to look for positives in your life rather than all the negatives that are aimed at you. We care here at the forum and only want what is good for you!! Take Care and keep posting!!:chopper:!!
  5. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    >>you know, I have never judged anyone on this forum, not once,
    I have gone out of my way to help others even when my own problems
    were suffocating me<<<

    actually, and sadly, we met up for the first time ever on the abortion thread.
    not a really great place for people to feel relaxed and open about their
    feelings. at least I would not assume that. and I said this...right?

    >>>mmmm. might be a good reason your family wants to keep a bit of
    a short leash on ya there, Everheart. might not be safe for ya
    to be a wanderin around loose on yer own<<<

    which was supposed to be funny. though now I see it isn't funny at all.
    So, I apologize for that and I really am sorry. that was uncalled for,
    and insensitive and I really did not know what you were going thru
    personally or what your own story was. I was going on the ONE POST
    that I had in front of me, and that post echoed, or agreed with so many
    other PRO LIFE posts that I just had it. I won't apologize for the rest
    of my abortion post bcause I meant it and in addition to meaning it, due
    to the fact that I am under moderation I have been pulling punches and
    sugar coating posts in this 'under moderation'cloud of the branded man.

    I disagree 100% with Pro Lifers.Period. but that was there, this is here.

    I really should NOT have added the firt sentence and for that I am very
    sorry and I wish to sincerely apologize. I did not mean to hurt you
    feelings and I wish I had not done so. sorry! I have read up more about
    you and your family and now and see there is more going on than just
    a young man with a loan and some problems his alleged family allegedly
    "helped" him with.

    I'm sorry Everheart. try to forget it and let it go. ok? I hope so.
    alright. take care,

  6. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    I did not "attack" him. I said some sarcastic things and kinda poked fun at
    him. it was on a highly charged thread about abortion. it's still there, in the soap box. I disagree with the pro lifers and said so. I simply started the post
    in a very inappropriate manner. the rest of the post, I stand by.
  7. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    very true Mortem... All it does take is one post to render the rest useless and crumble the hope that the rest have started to build.. yes it is like walking against a storm..eventually one tires and lets the storm overtake them.. and right now that's where i am.. being completely overtaken and suffocated by the things happening in my life.. im grasping for some sort of control, as life has spun dangerously out of control.. deep down my family means well in their way of thinking, its just how their parents did things back in at the turn of the century.. archaic, rigid, drill sargeant like, beat someone over the head with their mistakes to make them see the fault in their thinking and actions, criticize them because it's constructive, it's gotta hurt to heal, i could go on for ages about the outdated notions they have... it doesnt excuse them because they mean well..but i am attempting to at least realize they are a product of their upbringing.. just as i am of theirs... vicious cycle.. with that said... times change, situations and education evolve, research is done, we discover that how one generation handled something isnt necessarily the best way to handle it now... look at medical technology... the ways surgeries were done in the past (meaning the OLD days) were barbaric and often caused more harm than good to the people they were done on.. that was then... now we have safer procedures, better technology.. and we have those because medical professionals traded their outdated ideas for newer more evolved ones...

    i am a little calmer, thanks to two very caring souls who gave me a boost of positive tonight when its so badly needed.. i am not out of the woods though.. far from it.. the next 7 days and the immediate future really make me want to end things NOW and get it over with.. things are going to get worse, i know it, not just saying that... praying i get reimbursed some money if so at least a small vacation would help get me away for a breather.. 24/7 with my family is too much.. need to get away before i DO end up ending my life... and no Mortem, right now the way things stand there is no way to get away from them, dont have any other family members, no friends who could let me stay with them, no job (disabled by health conditions right now), and no money... cant get assistence either got denied..
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi SJ. Sorry to hear that you were verbally attacked by certain individuals here at SF. Most of the people here are genuine and really want to help, but as with anything, there are a few bad eggs. Wow, your family seems really disfunctional. I hope that they don't push you too far. You really need a break from them to cool off and relax. I hope that you can find a way to take some time off from them. And, most people here care about you. Don't let the cruel words of a few individuals turn you off from SF. :hug:
  9. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    HappyAzaClam.. I am letting it go..and your apology is accepted.thank you.. None of us need more tension and upset..i certainly cant take anymore either..my lifes in enough chaos.. It wasnt the leash comment it was that i was called arrogant and self important.. I am neither..to be those things requires a high self opinion.. My self opinion is that i have no worth or importance.. Anyway all forgiven... Oh and by the way just for the record SJ is female least in body.. So a young woman with problems beyond just a loan..
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey SJ and Happy thank you. Thank you both for being big enough to extend a hand, shake and move on. That took a lot on both sides of the fence. Dont either of you forget that you are both offered support and cared for deeply by many here.
  11. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    thankyou. actually it wasn't that hard at all :)

    maybe we should all try a little mutual support more often!!
  12. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    This is something I've been pondering as well. I guess the question "why" comes naturally after enough abuse. Sure, I probably deserved to be put down on some occasions, but rarely to the extent they did. But the absolutely worst part IMO is the hypocrisy and the double messages as it seems you've had your fair share of too; getting yelled at for doing one thing, then getting yelled for not doing it; getting yelled at for some mistake, then they make the same mistake themselves and all of a sudden it's ok, "oops haha". The result is, of course, that one has to trip around on ones toes, never be able to relax around them, constantly tense. Not to mention the mental activity... "can I do this?" "should I do that instead?" "better try to avoid this and that subject" "can I answer like this without getting into trouble? or can I put the words in a different way?".

    It's a vicious cycle, absolutely. However, hopefully and it seems, each generation manages to put away some of the old behaviours.
    Then there's other aspects to it (vast subject this...:smile:) - for some reason two kids with the same upbringing can turn out completely differently, I suppose some kids are just naturally more tolerant. A bit like how every once in a while even in the old days a surgery might've been successful. Personally I've gained nothing but mental issues.

    I'm not going to say I know what it's like, but I can imagine... social conflicts, powerlessness, health issues etc... it makes a dangerous combination... I really don't think I would've been able to take it myself, I admire your strenght to have made it this far. How are you doing today?
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    How are you feeling today hun? I hope your feeling better, Im here if you need someone to talk to :arms:
  14. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you felt attacked here. With the fragility of our members, there are often times people take things personally when it was not meant that way at all. We have to remember that as we post to others and read replies given to us. If we remember to respect each other and our opinions, it could ward off so many misunderstandings.
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