Take me instead...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Apr 13, 2011.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Why? I don't want to be here and yet people who do die...Is this some fucked up punishment to people I care for...my neice whose 9years old lost her nanna today at midday (she was extremely close, as my neice was her first grandaughter and she had no daughters just one son)....

    GOD IS SICK...Everytime I want to die, someone else dies....where the is the sense is that...kill me, give me cancer, stop killing people who have reasons to live, who want to live...who will do what they can to fight for they lifes...let the people who want to die, die...let the people who want to live, live...simple as that..nothing in between, nothing hidden...

    So now what am I meant to "postpone" my plans because of my neice, is that what this sick man god was thinking, that I because he took Jackie, that I should fight to live..NO...I've had enough of this double punishment shit...its crap

    Its only been 6 weeks since you took a friend, and now this..death surrounds me, and yet i'm expected to live this life, a life I don't want....give me the death card...just stop punishing those close to me because I want to die.

    Stop taking people who want to live...and take me instead.
     
  2. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry you're feeling like this. You've suffered a lot of loss, and it's understandable that you'd have a crisis of faith.

    I'd just like to say that we on the forum are here for you, and we will help you as best we can with whatever's in our power.
     
  3. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    first I would just like to say I am sorry for your lose I know how you feel I felt the same way last night when I tried to take my own life and failed please get some support I am now in a crisses home after my attempt last night and I all ready feel better just from having someone to talk to. Pease find help taking your own life hurts for a start none of the methods are guranted and if it does not work you will be in a much worse stat belive me please phone for help.
     
  4. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I won't be failing this time...I've left no stone unturned ~ its been proven to work, others have suceeded and I WILL. I dont want the embarassment of admitting to failing again, having the nurses and docs look at u in disgust, neighbours looking at u like ur a freak because rumours have spread, being told that nothing is worth dying for, being told you can get through this just hold on for another hour and to go and make myself a cup of tea (I hate tea!)....Yes I have been suicidal before, I've made half hearted attempts, I've made life threatening attempts, I've been sectioned, I've had the home treatment team, I've tried counsellors (been told too unstable).

    I used to look at pictures of my neices and nephew, it gave me a reason to hold on, a reason to try..but now and as selfish as this is, and I know it is, esp with my neice very recent loss, that actually they are better off without me around to mess they innocent heads up, to screw they lives up ~ I will do more damage remaining alive, then I will dead.

    I am just a waste of space, taking space on the boards, taking space in a country already over populated...I will be another statics as I mean nothing, I am nothing and wil always be nothing.
     
  5. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    NO!!!! You are not please no that is very very selfish you are from the sound of it a very kind loving person and a role modle for those kids you are worth something to them you must fight you must not give up go look in a mirror and ask what they would want what the people you have lost would want and I swear you will scream to fight on to show the world what it has lost to show those kids you love them and after that please please for them phone for help it does not make you any less of a person. I hope you make the right choice for them.
     
  6. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about whats happened. I'd miss you if you went. Your one of the people I read because your so good at writing from the heart. You amaze me sometimes.
     
  7. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I don't want to hurt anyone, which is why I would never jump infront of a train, or on to a motorway..both of which I live near...I have train tracks in the front of my house and 2 roads up is the M25 and 5 minutes is the QE Bridge which someone jumped and died about 3 weeks ago...so the options surrounding me are appealing but I wouldn't jump in front of a train in fear of surviving but without limbs, or jump over to a motorway as I could kill innocent people but their is one option that I keep being told will work...the signs that lead me to this option are saying very loud and very clear that I will be gone, I will be reunited with my baby. I will hold her in my arms, I won't have to remember the past, or my ex, or live with never being able to relax, always active, never stopping, taking everything personally..seeing everything as a punishment, seeing the world against me...

    I even received more tablets in the post alth i didn;t ask for them, and only a few ppl know where I live...so its another sign isn;t it...I still dont understand why when I want to die, someone else is taken...someone I care for gets hurt by the death of someone they love dearly...its a fucked up world.

    I wish I could talk to someone, but when I try to talk my head goes so fast that i speak fast and people struggle to understand, so i slow down but still they struggle...i don't have a strong accent, or speak a different language to them...its a sign, that i must not talk as it won't help as people don't hear me, or understand what i'm trying to say...i've resigned myself. I'm letting go, and letting this body rejoin my soul.
     
  8. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    NOOOO!!!! You can't you must not please if you can't tallk then write it down and please for your baby chose life your baby would want you too live for the both of you last night when I tried I just wanted to be with my lover once more but now I realise she would of hated me she wants me to go on to show the world what its lost and too make her proud
     
  9. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I was given the death card, but I refused to go. In someways it felt like I was being punished for sticking around...

    God is my Strength, Love is my Power, Time is my Friend, Life is my Destiny

    I hope you find your strength to continue on despite hardships.
     
  10. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    awww that makes me happy to hear wallflower *hug
     
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    God isn't sick lost child. It just isn't your time to go yet. I've lost many loved ones in my 30 years of existence, but I realized and accepted that we all must die when it is our time to die and we shouldn't feel depressed over losing our loved ones. Death is a natural part of life and when it is truly your time to go, then you will go, but not until then. Don't give up hun. :hug:
     
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    How are you feeling today Lost Child? :console: :hug:
     
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are important to your niece and nephew You are important here and i hope you can get help to decrease you sadness inside You are special to the ones that love you and your niece does not need to loose someone else hun we care okay I care any time you need to talk just pm me okay hugs
     
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