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Take Two Daily...urg

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Incurious, Apr 21, 2012.

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  1. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    So for 19 of the last 25 hours I've been reading up on suicide related blogs and what have you. I'm basically trying to talk myself out of feeling guilty for thinking of planning to kill myself. I'm not in a historical state of mind. I feel more relaxed right now than I have done in the last 12 months.

    The thought of suicide hasn't come out of nowhere. It's been floating around for the last 6-7 years, and it's been brought to the forefront since March of last year when my Grandmother (whom I lived all my life with) was diagnosed with Dementia. I tried to look after her but wasn't up to the job.

    I've made a list of pros and cons, filled a few notebook pages on my current state of mind. The only real con I can think of which has any bearing on me is feeling guilty to my family, friends and the professionals who've tried to help me. Unfortunately that seems to be an immovable stumbling block right now... It's aggravating because suicide just makes sense to me.

    But then there is nothing wrong with me really. At least not according to Employment & Support Allowance... I'm not bitter for the fact I'm going to be homeless at some point because I will be getting no money to carry on my existence. I just don't want to die of hunger...

    I must be making this up I guess.

    I know this is nothing to what many of you all are going through and I can only apologise if I have offended anyone. But I am on my knees right now (I am not as strong as you) and I needed somewhere to vent my thoughts.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2012
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Re: 30 Fluoxetine 20mg Capules, Take Two Daily...urg

    hello incurious.. welcome to SF's.. we are not one of those pro suicides websites.. we advocate life very much and trying to fix hwat is wrong with your life.. on the other hand we do understand being frazzled to the bone and just wanting all the shit to end irght now..

    have been there myself often in my almost 65 yrs of life. my disabled son johnny is why i will not take my lfe.. incurious please look around here at all the other forums and our chatrooms.. hopefully you may get some comfort and feel safe enuf to do the next step on herel.. join in is what i mean... got any questions about this place please just let us know.. take care, Jim
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: 30 Fluoxetine 20mg Capules, Take Two Daily...urg

    Hi, Incurious. Welcome to SF! I'm sorry you're in a really low spot right now. I am really glad you are venting your thoughts here. I can imagine you are frustrated with the system that is supposed to help you have a home and keep it. I am quite sure you are not making this up.

    Very few people are "up to the job" of caring for an elderly relative with progressive dementia. (My very elderly dad is dementing. It's not easy. And he is in a seniors' home!) Dementia is hard to deal with and it can affect people in so many different ways. Some people with dementia simply lose their short-term memory and begin to live in their past memories, unaware of the world around them. Some people with dementia become quite feisty, some even get aggressive, when they don't "recognize" the people they are with. It is not your fault you could not continue to care for your grandmother. Dementia can require specially trained caregivers in some cases. Please don't beat yourself up over this.

    What are your own present circumstances? Where do you live and how do you get by? Perhaps we can offer some ideas that you could try if you give us a bit more information. I hope you'll post again soon. In the meantime, remember that you are a good person, you have done all you can for your grandmother, and you have people here you can talk to, and maybe we can help.

    Stay safe,
  4. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    Re: 30 Fluoxetine 20mg Capules, Take Two Daily...urg

    Thanks guys. I really mean it.

    Jim - That's why I joined the site. I felt I needed some perspective, and I feel incredibly selfish after reading a lot of topics here. It's easy to get caught up in your own problems I guess.

    Acy - I live on my own in a 3 bedroomed house (the one I grew up in). I have rent arrears and the council want me to move into a smaller property (which I'd be fine with but I can't move whilst in rent arrears, which are only going up now.) I only found out I got the benefit cancelled yesterday so my thoughts have been all over the shot the last 30 hours.

    The mental health team are involved (I'll be seeing a psychiatrist next month), I have a Stonham support worker also. I go to the docs once every two weeks to see a nurse practitioner, and she's been the one who's got me the support network in place around me.

    So I'm not in the worst situation in the world. Just feeling sorry for myself :/
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: 30 Fluoxetine 20mg Capules, Take Two Daily...urg

    We're allowed to feel sorry for ourselves *nods* - as long as we don't become mired in self-pity since that would likely keep us stuck in the same place.

    It sounds as though you've got the right people involved so far. Can any of them advocate for you with the council so that you can at least get back on your feet (maybe with social assistance for finances) so you can eventually move? Perhaps you could talk to the people on the crisis team - they may know who can help you and might even be able to arrange for them to see you. The crisis teams have to be familiar with the issues that make people feel in crisis.

    All is not lost. :hug:
  6. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    Re: 30 Fluoxetine 20mg Capules, Take Two Daily...urg

    Someone's coming out on Monday from Stonham for a review so I'll tell them what's happening. I'll have to make sure that I don't fall apart again until then heh. I'll watch Monster's Inc. I think.

    Thanks for your time and kind words.

    I like your sig. So true.
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