So for 19 of the last 25 hours I've been reading up on suicide related blogs and what have you. I'm basically trying to talk myself out of feeling guilty for thinking of planning to kill myself. I'm not in a historical state of mind. I feel more relaxed right now than I have done in the last 12 months. The thought of suicide hasn't come out of nowhere. It's been floating around for the last 6-7 years, and it's been brought to the forefront since March of last year when my Grandmother (whom I lived all my life with) was diagnosed with Dementia. I tried to look after her but wasn't up to the job. I've made a list of pros and cons, filled a few notebook pages on my current state of mind. The only real con I can think of which has any bearing on me is feeling guilty to my family, friends and the professionals who've tried to help me. Unfortunately that seems to be an immovable stumbling block right now... It's aggravating because suicide just makes sense to me. But then there is nothing wrong with me really. At least not according to Employment & Support Allowance... I'm not bitter for the fact I'm going to be homeless at some point because I will be getting no money to carry on my existence. I just don't want to die of hunger... I must be making this up I guess. I know this is nothing to what many of you all are going through and I can only apologise if I have offended anyone. But I am on my knees right now (I am not as strong as you) and I needed somewhere to vent my thoughts.