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Takes all I have in Me Just To Type This...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dumvitaestspesest, Nov 13, 2010.

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  1. dumvitaestspesest

    dumvitaestspesest New Member

    Hello all...

    I don't even know where to begin. I'm just so TIRED. And just so LOST and WEAK. So this may read kind of scattered. I'm sorry.

    I've had a history of anxiety and depression all/most of my adult life. I have been on Zoloft off and on. It really does help. But I can't afford to take it now. Although I only make minimum wage at my job, I don't qualify for Medicaid and I live even worse than paycheck to paycheck as it is.

    I divorced a few years ago. I have two sons. An 11 year old who is autistic. And an 8 yr old. My 11 yr old lives with his dad because the school district where he lives is better equipped to deal with his special needs. My 8 year old lives with me. I get judged alot by that decision-to split my two sons apart like that but much of that decision was based on my desire for him to have a "normal" life. My autistic son has very EXTREME behavior, and sometimes has problems with aggression. However, in my quest to give him the life I felt he needed/was misssing-I seemed to have messed things up even more and it is swallowing me whole.

    A year and a half ago I moved 2 1/2 hrs away to be with my "soul mate" and his two daughters. He seemed like everything I every wanted. We seemed very compatible. Communicated well. Wanted the same things from life. He adored me (at least he did then) and I him. Things changed very quickly after I moved. We don't communicate. He's cheated on me. He's secretive and sneaky. I could go on and on. I feel very used. Like I was given the bait and switch. That my soul purpose here is to take care of his kids, cook, do laundry, etc. Gone are the days when he told me how much he loved me. How beautiful I am etc.

    I feel stuck and OVERWHELMED. I picked up my entire life (in a big city/metropolitan area) and moved far away from my parents and friends on this dream. Although I have an Associates degree, I have been unable to find a job in the small rural area I now live and have been working in a HORRIBLE retail job, making SQUAT. I feel like a complete LOSER. I want to leave and go back to where I came from. But that takes MONEY. I can't exactly find a job back home and commute 2 hrs everyday and save up to leave.

    I have my autistic son this weekend. I miss him SOO much. The weekends that I have him I am so hopeful that THIS will be the weekend I can actually ENJOY my time with him. But it starts out the same every time. I have to overdraw my account just to have the gas to make the drive to get him/take him home-so that already has me stressed out. Then his behaviors start and I'm immediately on the edge. Reminded of what a failure I've become and how incapable I am of meeting his needs.

    I just want the pain to be OVER. I'm not afraid of dying. I think about how I could do it. One of my "bf's" guns, pills, a car accident...The ONLY thing that keeps me from doing something are my two beautiful boys. My oldest would be lost/not understand where mommy went. My youngest would be tormented for the rest of his life/wondering why I would leave him like that. My mom's mother committed suicide when she was only 5. So I know how that affects a "child"---even on into adulthood.

    So tired of feeling so very ALONE. Anyway, thanks for listening.
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You have far too many stresses in your life and we need to help you seperate out what you can control over and what you can't.
    I have to go offline but I'm thinking of you and I'll write more later. xxx
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think there was a study that found that 1/2 hour a day of gentle aerobic exercise was as effective as zoloft at treating depression.

    Too bad about your boyfriend. Do you think you can fix the relationship or is it beyond repair?

    You have family and friends back in the city. Now sounds like a good time to lean on them.

    In the short term, can you compress the visits with your son, maybe have him for a week during a school vacation instead of three weekend visits? This would save on gas and travel time.

    Finding a travel buddy to share the gas expenses would be good, if you can find someone who would be traveling to or from the city.

    Do you get along with your ex?

    If you are sure that you want to end your relationship with your bf, I would recommend moving in with your parents, your ex, or a friend temporarily while you look for a job and save up for an apartment.

    I hope that you will not attempt suicide by any means, but please DON'T under any circumstances try to do it via car accident. You could very easily end up just paralyzed, or you could kill or maim other people.
  4. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    hey...the idea of living with a friend, your family, or your ex isn't a bad idea...your ex sounds responsible and probably would be supportive...

    your life sounds stressful and overwhelming, and you REALLY need some support, and it sounds like you have none...

    hang in there...things always work out eventually, it just might take awhile...
  5. dumvitaestspesest

    dumvitaestspesest New Member

    Unfortunately living with family or friends is not an option.

    My parents and I have an odd relationship. I am close with my dad, but my mom and I have a difficult relationship. We had a pretty major blow out a year ago and didn't speak for several months. We are slowly rebuilding our relationship. My mom is the type that puts major guilt trips on you. I don't know how many times I've heard in my life, when either myself or one of my siblings (who all live in another state, so they aren't an option either) have had struggles, "When do I get to enjoy MY life? Why do my kids' problems always have to be MY problem?" So while I would look forward to being closer to them, (mainly my dad) for EMOTIONAL support and so my son could see his grandparents more, I actually think living with them would be worse for my mental health than where I am now.

    While I have friends in the area I would move back to, the only one that I would feel close enough with to live with is not an option either. Before I moved in with my boyfriend I lived with her for 7 months and it ended badly. I did have physical custody of both of my sons at the time so much of that had related to the strain having him in the house put on her family. (My son became aggressive with her young daughter). She married during the time I lived there, and while she was understanding of my situation, her new husband was not and was very resentful.

    It's interesting that you mentioned exercise. Shortly before I went through my divorce, I started going to a gym to work out. I was quite overweight at the time. With diet and exercise, I ended up losing 70 lbs in 6 months. Anyway, I had forgotten about it until you suggested that-but that was the ONE time in my life that I felt GOOD, when I was working out regularly. The endorphine rush after a work out does do wonders for helping your mind think more clearly. I do have a YMCA membership where I live but I never get to use it. I can't take my bf's daughters with me/have them on my family membership because we aren't married. He is a truck driver so he gets home pretty late and the hours they are open don't work out well for me to go by myself or with my son.

    I do actually get along pretty well with my ex now that I'm not married to him. But he is remarried now. I am not going to get much help with him I don't think. Certainly couldn't live with him. lol

    I wish things could be repaired with my bf and I. He doesn't understand depression for starters. Secondly, we have problems in about every area there is. I've tried and tried and tried to communicate that I'm drowning in life and that we need to work together on our problems but it falls on deaf ears. It's impossible to deny that we have major issues, so I have to reach no other conclusion than he just doesn't give a rip at this point.

    I appreciate this forum and your feedback. It helps having someone to talk to.
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    How old are the children? Is there anyway you can get a babysitter whilst you go to the gym? Is there anyway you could do some form of exercise at home? Yoga or Pilates for example?
    Can your family and friends help with the cost of moving back to the city where you can get a better job? I know it's horrible to ask other people for money but sometimes it has to be done.
    I don't know what to suggest about your BF. If he isn't listening then perhaps you should write it all down and give it to him to read. Perhaps if you point out that the built in babysitter is thinking of leaving it might spur him into some sort of action.
    Try to stay strong, your children need you xxx
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Maybe you could talk to your dad and ex about what is going on.

    It would be nice if you and your bf could work things out, but doesn't seem likely.

    Do you think that you could break up soon and you will have to move?

    I wonder if you could look for a job in the city. If you found one, maybe your ex could take care of you son for a while. Then maybe stay with your parents for just 2-3 weeks while you look for an apartment share. Oh, also there is a site called www.couchsurfing.org. People offer couches to people for short term stays. Could be worth trying if you go that route. Or maybe borrow some money and stay at a hotel.

    So if you had a job and an apartment share, then you could save up some money, go back on your meds, and focus on getting better. After saving up, you could get an apartment and live with your son again.

    Anyway, just a thought.

    Couple counciling might be nice for you and your bf, but not really possible with no money. :(
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