Hello all... I don't even know where to begin. I'm just so TIRED. And just so LOST and WEAK. So this may read kind of scattered. I'm sorry. I've had a history of anxiety and depression all/most of my adult life. I have been on Zoloft off and on. It really does help. But I can't afford to take it now. Although I only make minimum wage at my job, I don't qualify for Medicaid and I live even worse than paycheck to paycheck as it is. I divorced a few years ago. I have two sons. An 11 year old who is autistic. And an 8 yr old. My 11 yr old lives with his dad because the school district where he lives is better equipped to deal with his special needs. My 8 year old lives with me. I get judged alot by that decision-to split my two sons apart like that but much of that decision was based on my desire for him to have a "normal" life. My autistic son has very EXTREME behavior, and sometimes has problems with aggression. However, in my quest to give him the life I felt he needed/was misssing-I seemed to have messed things up even more and it is swallowing me whole. A year and a half ago I moved 2 1/2 hrs away to be with my "soul mate" and his two daughters. He seemed like everything I every wanted. We seemed very compatible. Communicated well. Wanted the same things from life. He adored me (at least he did then) and I him. Things changed very quickly after I moved. We don't communicate. He's cheated on me. He's secretive and sneaky. I could go on and on. I feel very used. Like I was given the bait and switch. That my soul purpose here is to take care of his kids, cook, do laundry, etc. Gone are the days when he told me how much he loved me. How beautiful I am etc. I feel stuck and OVERWHELMED. I picked up my entire life (in a big city/metropolitan area) and moved far away from my parents and friends on this dream. Although I have an Associates degree, I have been unable to find a job in the small rural area I now live and have been working in a HORRIBLE retail job, making SQUAT. I feel like a complete LOSER. I want to leave and go back to where I came from. But that takes MONEY. I can't exactly find a job back home and commute 2 hrs everyday and save up to leave. I have my autistic son this weekend. I miss him SOO much. The weekends that I have him I am so hopeful that THIS will be the weekend I can actually ENJOY my time with him. But it starts out the same every time. I have to overdraw my account just to have the gas to make the drive to get him/take him home-so that already has me stressed out. Then his behaviors start and I'm immediately on the edge. Reminded of what a failure I've become and how incapable I am of meeting his needs. I just want the pain to be OVER. I'm not afraid of dying. I think about how I could do it. One of my "bf's" guns, pills, a car accident...The ONLY thing that keeps me from doing something are my two beautiful boys. My oldest would be lost/not understand where mommy went. My youngest would be tormented for the rest of his life/wondering why I would leave him like that. My mom's mother committed suicide when she was only 5. So I know how that affects a "child"---even on into adulthood. So tired of feeling so very ALONE. Anyway, thanks for listening.