• IMPORTANT: Covid-19 can only be discussed on this site in terms of SUPPORT. There is a covid-19 support forum and a covid-19 support chat for people needing support around this topic. There is a thread in Forum News and Announcements explaining this further. Please read it.

Empathy Only Taking a break

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#61
The new one emailed me. We are talking Thursday but she seems to think she can't help me and is trying to find somewhere else. While I appreciate the honesty, I'm ready to give up. NO ONE can help. My thoughts are running rampant and I just want to die. I know everyone will say it's not the answer but many of us do feel that way in our hearts. That's what brought us to this forum. I'm a freak. I am on "vacation' next week. Not going anywhere. It scares me because it just gives me more time to think and that's dangerous. It also gives me a window to try because no one will have a clue I'm missing for more than a week.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#62
You have been through so much and it's just not fair. The TMS sounds like it is worth trying especially since they take insurance. Also, since time and commuting is a problem for you, have you looked into online therapy? You have to be careful but there are a few reputable organizations that use real counsellors (with Masters degrees in Counselling Psychology or PhDs in Clinical Psychology). There are also websites with reviews of various online counselling services. Some may take insurance. I personally did telephone counselling through my employer's insurance.

What self-help methods have you tried? I highly recommend the book The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle. Have you done CBT? There is a lot of good material out there. Never give up because there is ALWAYS something else to try. What about psych meds? Supplements? Do you suffer mostly from depression or anxiety?
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#63
Leesa you aren’t a freak, you’re just in pain. I know it feels in your heart like there is no other way. But there are people here who have felt like that who will tell you they have found a way through. I’m sorry you are so stuck in this right now.

About that vacation, can you set up a couple of safeguards? Make it so someone expects you somewhere?
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#64
Leesa you aren’t a freak, you’re just in pain. I know it feels in your heart like there is no other way. But there are people here who have felt like that who will tell you they have found a way through. I’m sorry you are so stuck in this right now.

About that vacation, can you set up a couple of safeguards? Make it so someone expects you somewhere?
No, not really. I don't want to come to work but it's depressing to take vacation and not have a vacation.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#65
You have been through so much and it's just not fair. The TMS sounds like it is worth trying especially since they take insurance. Also, since time and commuting is a problem for you, have you looked into online therapy? You have to be careful but there are a few reputable organizations that use real counsellors (with Masters degrees in Counselling Psychology or PhDs in Clinical Psychology). There are also websites with reviews of various online counselling services. Some may take insurance. I personally did telephone counselling through my employer's insurance.

What self-help methods have you tried? I highly recommend the book The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle. Have you done CBT? There is a lot of good material out there. Never give up because there is ALWAYS something else to try. What about psych meds? Supplements? Do you suffer mostly from depression or anxiety?
I need in person. I don't have ba computer or internet service vat home. Just my phone.

Depression and anxiety. They feed off of each other. I get depressed when I'm not doing anything and anxious when I am. Like potential and kinetic energy.

I have tried every medication but one. They did a genetic test to determine levels of medication and everything I reported as side effects came back true. The one I didn't try was tested and would be really bad.

I did EMDR which completely shut me down. I still don't understand what was happening but it wasn't worth it. There was an episode at the beginning of the year where I could barely speak for three days so we stopped it. I can't tell you much about it because I blocked it.

A little CBT. Nothing really helpful. I read thru a guide on DBT yesterday and I didn't identity with most of it. I've spent so much time, energy, money (that I don't have.) I've been to group therapy. I can't meditate. I get frustrated. And I can't even find a safe spot mentally. It's like there's a record playing in the background of my mind called suicide. I don't hear 'voices' but almost like an internal calling... like a constant to do list but it's always 'i want to die '
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#68
Let me ask, is your wanting to die your depression do you think? Or feeling trapped in your work? Also, how old are you?
I'm 50. I want to die because I have never lived. I simply exist. I don't have normal experiences. I don't have anyone to turn to and I can't cope. I've been seeking professional help for over 28 years. The therapist is emailing me DBT stuff but it's twice a week ( group and individual) with a 6-8 month commitment. I have physical therapy twice a week. If I were to do the TMS which is feeling less likely, that's 5 times a week for 6 weeks and then tapering for three more. I work 10 hour days. My car is old so I really can't do all of this. I might cancel my vacation days for Monday and Tuesday because right now I want this to end and if I have no place to go there will be no point Therapists don't take into consideration all of this other crap. I am not available 24/7. That does NOT mean I don't want to get better. It means I don't have the resources. I cried on my drive home.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Shooting for the stars
#69
I'm 50. I want to die because I have never lived. I simply exist. I don't have normal experiences. I don't have anyone to turn to and I can't cope. I've been seeking professional help for over 28 years. The therapist is emailing me DBT stuff but it's twice a week ( group and individual) with a 6-8 month commitment. I have physical therapy twice a week. If I were to do the TMS which is feeling less likely, that's 5 times a week for 6 weeks and then tapering for three more. I work 10 hour days. My car is old so I really can't do all of this. I might cancel my vacation days for Monday and Tuesday because right now I want this to end and if I have no place to go there will be no point Therapists don't take into consideration all of this other crap. I am not available 24/7. That does NOT mean I don't want to get better. It means I don't have the resources. I cried on my drive home.
I'm 50 too. Do you want to disclose why you feel like you have never lived or had normal experiences? Is it because you always had depression, or something else? PM me if you like. There are a lot of people here on SF in our age bracket who have no spouse or close friends, so you are not alone and this is a good place to make friends. We all find this place because we are (or were) feeling suicidal. 50 is still young to end your life or to assume things will never get better. I believe if you persist you will find a therapist you can fit into your schedule. May I ask what you are hoping to get out of therapy? Is it that you can't let go of the past, or ? I've had a LOT of therapy myself (about 5 years of weekly appointments) and feel it was successful although many issues continue to plague me and life has thrown me a lot of hardship and illness.

Sorry to hear you cried on your drive home *console
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#70
I'm 50 too. Do you want to disclose why you feel like you have never lived or had normal experiences? Is it because you always had depression, or something else? PM me if you like. There are a lot of people here on SF in our age bracket who have no spouse or close friends, so you are not alone and this is a good place to make friends. We all find this place because we are (or were) feeling suicidal. 50 is still young to end your life or to assume things will never get better. I believe if you persist you will find a therapist you can fit into your schedule. May I ask what you are hoping to get out of therapy? Is it that you can't let go of the past, or ? I've had a LOT of therapy myself (about 5 years of weekly appointments) and feel it was successful although many issues continue to plague me and life has thrown me a lot of hardship and illness.

Sorry to hear you cried on your drive home *console
I messaged you.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#71
So, the new therapist told the other one I had been trying to get in touch with her. She emailed me to tell me her other email was deactivated and her texting service was discontinued. She sent info to people but my case shows closed, which feels weird, and so her software didn't send a notification. She gave me a new email going forward.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#72
So, the new therapist told the other one I had been trying to get in touch with her. She emailed me to tell me her other email was deactivated and her texting service was discontinued. She sent info to people but my case shows closed, which feels weird, and so her software didn't send a notification. She gave me a new email going forward.
I’m glad you have a way to get a hold of her now. I’m sorry this has been so hard *console
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#73
I’m glad you have a way to get a hold of her now. I’m sorry this has been so hard *console
Me too. I had physical therapy tonight and there were was a German shepherd puppy. A couple adopted him a couple of weeks ago ( he's 10 weeks) and they're socializing him. The wife is doing physical therapy
and the husband was in the waiting area. He was so sweet. For a few minutes, the physical pain left. Very temporary but he was so sweet.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#74
Saw the newer therapist today. She is wanting to send me to someone who does DBT but will keep me until then. Almost like a placeholder which is necessary because I need someone but sucks because I have to do it all again. But, in the meantime, I went and learned a little about TMS. It's a huge time commitment that I'm unsure if I can do because of work. But it's to help people who don't respond to meds or therapy and they recommend doing therapy when doing it I'm exhausted trying to figure things out. I don't think I'll be up to my nephew's party and I hate myself for it.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#75
Saw the newer therapist today. She is wanting to send me to someone who does DBT but will keep me until then. Almost like a placeholder which is necessary because I need someone but sucks because I have to do it all again. But, in the meantime, I went and learned a little about TMS. It's a huge time commitment that I'm unsure if I can do because of work. But it's to help people who don't respond to meds or therapy and they recommend doing therapy when doing it I'm exhausted trying to figure things out. I don't think I'll be up to my nephew's party and I hate myself for it.
*hug Why hate yourself? If you had the flu and couldn’t go would you be worth hatred then? You have to just do what you can.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#76
*hug Why hate yourself? If you had the flu and couldn’t go would you be worth hatred then? You have to just do what you can.
Because I am not strong enough to be happy for him. I'm not strong enough to show my face. I don't want to feel this way. Two weeks notice may seem plenty to some but I would need weeks of therapy to prepare myself.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#77
But that’s just it, you don’t want to feel that way. So try to remember that. You aren’t choosing this. You are doing what you can to work through it. Try not to be so hard on yourself *hug
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#78
But that’s just it, you don’t want to feel that way. So try to remember that. You aren’t choosing this. You are doing what you can to work through it. Try not to be so hard on yourself *hug
If I had the flu, the choice would be made for me. People would understand that. I would be upset if I was missing something I wanted to attend I WANT to want to go and no one can understand that something bigger than me is stopping me. They all think I'm selfish. And I am for being jealous and unsupportive.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#79
If I had the flu, the choice would be made for me. People would understand that. I would be upset if I was missing something I wanted to attend I WANT to want to go and no one can understand that something bigger than me is stopping me. They all think I'm selfish. And I am for being jealous and unsupportive.
I know. I get it. You aren't selfish though. You're just hurting and trying to figure your shit out. It's shitty that other people can't understand.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#80
I know. I get it. You aren't selfish though. You're just hurting and trying to figure your shit out. It's shitty that other people can't understand.
I had an argument with my mother today. She was talking about my nephew's wedding and I was crying. Now she just called to say she had something she thought would cheer me up. It was about the wedding. I don't want to talk about it.

I went and learned a little about TMS yesterday and I have to call to make an appointment for a consultation. My head is spinning and I just want out. I'm tired of trying. I can't imagine ever feeling ok.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$280.00
Goal
$255.00
Top