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Empathy Only Taking a break

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#81
I get when you say you can’t imagine ever feeling okay. As I get older and having tried so many things and nothing seems to help, I’m trying to finally just convince myself that this is how it’s going to be forever. It sucks. I hope your TMS consultation goes well and if you do it let us know how it works for you.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#82
I get when you say you can’t imagine ever feeling okay. As I get older and having tried so many things and nothing seems to help, I’m trying to finally just convince myself that this is how it’s going to be forever. It sucks. I hope your TMS consultation goes well and if you do it let us know how it works for you.
People that don't have suicidal can't imagine what this is like and I can't imagine what it's like not to have it. If you asked me 30 years ago if I'd rather be happy or die, I'd choose happy. Now I'd rather die. 30 years ago I had a shot but now I know I can never get that time back. But if I have to live, I want to at least be able to cope.
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#83
People that don't have suicidal can't imagine what this is like and I can't imagine what it's like not to have it. If you asked me 30 years ago if I'd rather be happy or die, I'd choose happy. Now I'd rather die. 30 years ago I had a shot but now I know I can never get that time back. But if I have to live, I want to at least be able to cope.
Exactly!!
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#84
It also gets harder when the therapists are younger than me. It amplifies the situation. Like, the last girl wasn't even born when my thoughts started. Now this guy who is a TMS technician...he is extremely smart and kind but doesn't look like he's old enough to shave. I saw his wedding ring and immediately felt inadequate.
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#85
It also gets harder when the therapists are younger than me. It amplifies the situation. Like, the last girl wasn't even born when my thoughts started. Now this guy who is a TMS technician...he is extremely smart and kind but doesn't look like he's old enough to shave. I saw his wedding ring and immediately felt inadequate.
I agree completely! It’s always been my opinion that you shouldn’t be a therapist or a psychiatrist if you’ve never been in my shoes. Don’t blow smoke up my ass and tell me a bunch of BS if you’ve never known the pain of mental illness (or people with chronic pain too)!
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#86
I agree completely! It’s always been my opinion that you shouldn’t be a therapist or a psychiatrist if you’ve never been in my shoes. Don’t blow smoke up my ass and tell me a bunch of BS if you’ve never known the pain of mental illness (or people with chronic pain too)!
This last girl was the most competent and professional of them all. I really like her but we know it didn't work... she doesn't have the tools to help ( no one does) but at least she got it to the best of her ability. I feel so jealous of her though and inadequate. It's not her. Its me. I was concerned about the age difference but her compassion allowed me to open up. Since it didn't go anywhere, I'm angry that I tried. Money, time, emotions and empty handed. Just another failure.
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#87
I’ve only ever had one therapist that I truly connected with and that was because she admitted to being in her profession because she had suffered from mental illness and wanted to help others going through what she had. I really miss her.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#88
I’ve only ever had one therapist that I truly connected with and that was because she admitted to being in her profession because she had suffered from mental illness and wanted to help others going through what she had. I really miss her.
Mine shared a struggle of hers. She also went through therapy. Now they say it's a red flag to see a therapist who has never been to therapy. I miss this girl but I'm also very angry for the unexpected turn of events. She kept telling me I was in the right place for help. Obviously not. Although I do know she wanted to help. I'm angry at the people she has helped because I think why not me?
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#89
Mine shared a struggle of hers. She also went through therapy. Now they say it's a red flag to see a therapist who has never been to therapy. I miss this girl but I'm also very angry for the unexpected turn of events. She kept telling me I was in the right place for help. Obviously not. Although I do know she wanted to help. I'm angry at the people she has helped because I think why not me?
I’m like you I’m always jealous of the people that have success with therapy or meds. For me they don’t help and I hate that my life is so shitty and that it probably won’t get any better. What did I do to deserve to be so miserable. I just don’t know. I guess I’ll try to go to bed, more than likely I’ll be up most of the night. Take care @Leesa .
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#91
I’m like you I’m always jealous of the people that have success with therapy or meds. For me they don’t help and I hate that my life is so shitty and that it probably won’t get any better. What did I do to deserve to be so miserable. I just don’t know. I guess I’ll try to go to bed, more than likely I’ll be up most of the night. Take care @Leesa .
I didn't sleep well. I had pondered for the last couple of weeks to *try* last night. I woke up this morning wishing I would have. I was thinking about people with life threatening diseases and how they have the option to choose to fight it or accept death. Depression is especially cruel in this way because to choose to stop does not mean you get a natural death.

I also noticed further physical signs of aging last night and it was very hurtful. There are few pictures of me but if you looked at one from two years ago and one from now, there is a huge difference. It's like I didn't have time to adjust.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#92
I'm so depressed I can't even speak. I don't even have the energy to go to the chat now. I don't understand why I can't be helped. I don't know what to do. I'm spinning and still at the same time.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#93
I'm so depressed I can't even speak. I don't even have the energy to go to the chat now. I don't understand why I can't be helped. I don't know what to do. I'm spinning and still at the same time.
*console I don't think it's possible that you can't be helped, but I get why you feel that way. I hope something can change for you soon.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#94
*console I don't think it's possible that you can't be helped, but I get why you feel that way. I hope something can change for you soon.
Thanks, but it won't. I've been putting forth to much effort and I feel like I'm slowly getting pounded by a boulder. I just want it over.
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#96
I’m glad you have an appointment but I wish it was sooner for you. Any amount of time that you have to wait while your depression is so severe it just feels like an eternity. I know you’ve been suffering for a while, I truly hope this works for you.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#97
I’m glad you have an appointment but I wish it was sooner for you. Any amount of time that you have to wait while your depression is so severe it just feels like an eternity. I know you’ve been suffering for a while, I truly hope this works for you.
I wish it was sooner too. They sent me 'paperwork' through an online portal but all I see are rules...I'll have to call. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. Yesterday I could not speak. Today was limited. Just switching Dr appointments around. No 'real' interaction.

I sent my niece a text for her birthday. I got a thank you but no further comments or acknowledgement of the card and gift I sent her. I was in the room when she was born 20 years ago. I liked that day. But nothing has improved in my personal life. I feel like i was at a crossroads then and had a slight chance.

24 years ago yesterday I was in a childhood friend's wedding. I have no answers as to why I am like this. Decades of pain. Every day is a fight against a suicide attempt. I wish I could.
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#98
I feel for you!! In 1999 I finally sought treatment for my depression and 2 decades later I’m still in the same crappy place. Countless therapy appointments, more meds than I can remember and I’m still miserable. Please keep me/us posted on if this helps you even if it’s just a little bit. It may be something I might try.
 

Leesa

Well-Known Member
#99
I feel for you!! In 1999 I finally sought treatment for my depression and 2 decades later I’m still in the same crappy place. Countless therapy appointments, more meds than I can remember and I’m still miserable. Please keep me/us posted on if this helps you even if it’s just a little bit. It may be something I might try.
Since I don't have anyone to talk to, this is my social life. I think it's sad for all of us. I really don't want to be on this forum because I don't want it to be necessary.
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
Since I don't have anyone to talk to, this is my social life. I think it's sad for all of us. I really don't want to be on this forum because I don't want it to be necessary.
I agree. I’m glad it’s here because it does help but on the flip side I’m sad so many people are suffering.
 

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