Taking A Nosedive

[WeepingWillow]

I am SO pissed and hateful and angry and i cant let it out
my husband and i are split but living together still and he's angry because i want to leave
he's on my ass all the time and i want to hate him but i hate me
i had a good day today, the best in a month, this depression SUCKS but i felt comfortable in it
now, today, the best day, was cut short and i was feeling ok because nothing squashed my day
but now he has because he's starting in on me again
and now i am taking a huge nosedive back to how i was feeling and dipping lower
Im a cutter and i hate it and i want to tell him
i almost told him last night when i felt i could then changed my mind
i thought i might today, on a good day, but changed my mind
now i feel like i should but im am so mad and i read its not good to blurt it out so bluntly in a moment of outrage
i dont know why bother i ruined everything and its getting worse and I WANT OUT OF MY LIFE and i want this crap to stop so bad but i cant do anything about it right now
i dont even feel like screaming i am just filled with anger

 

[SirenDevil]

If it would help you to tell him, then you should. It may give you peace. Also, tell him to go fuck himself the next time he gets on your case. He needs to realize that he cant keep you there and bitch at you all the time. s* Feel better.

 

[WeepingWillow]

I told him. He came back and told me that he already knew because he's logged all my yahoo messenger conversations. He was just waiting for me to tell him. So much for the relief I was looking for by telling him. He wanted to know what was going on with me, etc etc
He hasn't done or said anything but he's backed off me for now. There are just lots of things that added to my state right now. I feel stuck in so many ways. Slowly drowning I guess. Complete loss of control and I can't get it back. :sad:
I am the sole purpose for my own depression but I can't do anything to fix it. I can pretend to be happy and sometimes I fail at that.
Thanks siren.
I used to want to get out of this hole, now I just dont care.
I just don't have any of the things I did before that made me happy and I can't get it back.
I wish I could tell the next person to just fuck off. Unfortunately that's just not in my nature. Generally people see me as mild mannered. And most of the anger I do feel is towards myself. Altho I am envious of the people who can just say what's on their minds, regardless of the reaction or outcome. I care too much what other people think. I'm a doormat, basically. I let even strangers do crappy things to me. Then I get angry at myself because I let it happen. People close to me have said some bad things to me lately, I let them say it and keep quiet. I don't have some comeback or tell them how crappy it was. I accept it. People ask why didn't i tell them _____? Well, I pretty much deserve it. They said it for a reason, so why get mad at them?
I could go on forever. I hate rambling.