Taking Initiative In Meeting Someone

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Armored, Mar 4, 2013.

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  1. Armored

    Armored Member

    First off, I am leaving this here because it does pertain to embarrassment and to the fact that the relationship section doesn't get as much views as this section.

    I'm a senior attending a catholic high school. I am incredibly shy and can pretty much count the amount of friends I actually enjoy talking to on one hand. I have considerably low self-esteem and am very narcissistic at the same time (unsafe combo). I view myself as extremely ugly and cannot stand going out in public; I fake sickness just so I can avoid people at school. I have been told I appear very insecure, but I just simply can't help it. I transferred to this high school in tenth grade after getting kicked out of my public high school. My aunt teaches at this current school and she is divorced, so we share the last name. She is a very nonchalant teacher and everyone adores her, but I still fear times where she may make me look bad (LOL).

    I have been infatuated and have developed feelings for this girl for over a year now and have been trying to talk to her naturally. She is very attractive (I know I sound extremely shallow) but she also has a mirroring personality much similar to mine, or so she reveals. My friends have all said she is pretty reticent in class and I have seen the same. I feel like if we started talking, we could relate to a lot of subjects.

    We have had some classes last year and this current year as well, although this semester we do not share any classes. In my British Literature class first semester, we would sit across from each other (weird seating chart). We would occasionally lock eyes and once she had smiled at me, though I quickly looked away. We cross paths several times through out the day and fast forward to yesterday, I attempted to talk to her but no words could find their way out.

    I'm pretty sure she knows I like her because my friend had sent her a message on Facebook without my consent (GRR) revealing that I have feelings for her. Although Facebook insists that she has never seen it, I believe she has. I am very receptive and intuitive so I think she knows.

    I was wondering if this is a completely lost cause and I am certainly delusional, or if I should pursue a conversation with her and if so, what the heck do I say?

  2. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    --------WARNING: IMPENDING TL;DR--------

    Yo! First off, we relate on a lot of key points. I also saw myself as hideous in high school while also internally holding the belief that I was "special" or "different" from others, leading me to hold a conflicted view of myself. I was also furiously introverted (still am) and very shy (still mostly am, but it doesn't cripple my day-to-day life like it used to). Why'd you get kicked out of your old school? Just curious.

    Secondly, I also had a tendency to admire women from afar and try to infer what they were like. What their home life was like, their personality, their inner thoughts, their weaknesses, their aspirations, their beliefs, etc. That probably sounds creepy (it is), but that's just how I went about things. There's nothing shallow at all about noticing how a woman is attractive or desiring an attractive mate. Do you often daydream and imagine swell conversations between the two of you? I did this frequently and I still do despite being in a relationship of 2 years. Long story, and not relevant, but wanted to note it anyhow.

    Anyway, as a junior in high school, I was in a similar predicament and had this ridiculously childish crush on this redhead girl in my newspaper class. Guess how long I had the crush? That's right: about a year. We're now dating and have been ever since junior year.

    Unfortunately, I can't give you a badass story about how I swept her off her feet or just manned up and bit the bullet. I pretty much took the coward's path. I'm an opportunist when it comes to women, i.e., I prey on them when they're at their weakest, and one day I noticed my dream girl at the time had posted a cryptic status on Facebook, signaling that she was upset and that things were not going well. Sure, a lot of girls do this three times a day, but she NEVER posted Facebook statuses, so I found it incredibly significant. I knew that this was it: it was now or never. I had to strike and make my mark!

    So, that's exactly what I did. I noticed she was on FB chat, I sent her a brief but clear message explaining to her that I felt sorry for her troubles and wanted to make sure she was alright, and that I wouldn't mind listening to her problems if she wouldn't mind sharing. That bolded shit is important, BTW. Of course, she didn't just instantly bend over and say, "take me, baby! I'm yours." It would actually be another three months before I finally worked up the nerve to ask her on a date.

    After our very first conversation sparked by the cryptic Facebook status, we wouldn't actually have a real conversation again over FB until New Year's morning. Sure, I had sent her a friendly congratulations over FB about getting accepted to a college, but that was it. We wouldn't have a substantial conversation again until New Year's day. I think we talked for nine hours straight. I had woken up after a night of drinking with some buds (parents allowed it, no trashy silly illegal shit) and the time was roughly 4 am. I was like, "fuck, I can't believe I'm actually going to get up this early." I had gotten on FB for some reason, probably secretly hoping she'd be on for some reason, and to my delight, she was! I forget who sent whom the first message, but we immediately got engaged into what turned into an engrossing, personal conversation. We talked about our lives (I told her about my miserable past, drug use, suicidal thoughts, my parents' almost-divorce, etc), our aspirations, our hobbies, ourselves, the meaning of life, etc. It was just like all the conversations I had with her in my head! Well, except for the fact that they were taking place over text and not face-to-face, but fuck, I didn't care. I was ecstatic.

    In this conversation, I told her that she looked beautiful in her profile picture. I think she was swooning, but she said something along the lines that wanted me to confirm whether it was just that picture or if she herself was beautiful. I told her both and she swooned again.

    After that conversation, we talked every day afterward for hours at a time. We would stay up on school nights until 2 or 3 in the morning, just chatting it up over FB about various topics. Finally, at the end of the month, she hinted at a date and we both sort of mutually fell into seeing a movie together. We made it "official" after that night.

    Hopefully this story will inspire you, OP. It's all 100% true. Seriously, what the fuck do you have to lose? Even if this girl rejects you in the harshest fashion possible, you will NEVER SEE HER AGAIN after high school. You risk minimal loss and overwhelming reward. Take your chances, OP. I bet you and this girl could hit it off. Just remember to be cautious, take it slow, and come off as authentic. Do it, OP. Do it! I know you can and you will NOT regret it, even if she rejects you. If she rejects you, you can at least say that you had the gusto to man up and attempt it. A lot of shy guys don't; hell, I arguably didn't. If she does accept you, you could have a very wonderful relationship with her.

    Please keep us (or at least me) updated on these matters. If you don't do it, I'm gonna be pissed. Don't let anything hold you back, OP!
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2013
  3. Armored

    Armored Member

    Thank you for your genuine reply and insight to my problem, I really appreciate being able to talk to this about someone who congruently thinks like me and has gone what I am going through. To be succinct though, in tenth grade I pushed a button in my school elevator that alerted my local fire department that there was a fire and a fire drill was triggered. Administration deemed it as a false alarm and that I should be reluctant with only being indefinitely suspended. Assholes! lol.

    Pretty much after every school day I listen to music as soon as I get on the bus and my mind just transcends into a perpetual void; overthinking is an understatement.

    That's crazy man, the same time frame that I started crushing. haha

    I'm well aware that there is more than what meets the eye. The quote I strive to uphold is "Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see." I feel like I'm in a barricaded standoff between my head and my heart, ya know? Whenever I see her, today for instance in the school library, she looked empty and sad. I'm just so damn attracted to sadness and brokenness, like it is my obligation to mend her, and that I would rather have her theoretically pour all her troubles on me just to see her relieved. I think what you did was very sincere. I'm pretty envious because I always have that thought in the back of my mind that I would look stupid to do such a thing, but in reality it's just in my head. But the thought is so hard for me to overcome.

    I actually don't have this girl on my friend's list. Would you advise me to approach her in person rather out of the blue requesting her? Again, my fear of looking stupid is being exposed :(.

    That's pretty moving. Great devotion, bro!

    Nice man.

    Thanks again. That last part is very motivating. I will surely utilize this valuable advice when I see her again.
  4. Armored

    Armored Member

    It seems this forum doesn't allow you to edit previous posts? Well, I have an update.

    On Friday, the day after my revelation with you; in the moments leading up to speaking with her, I wasn't feeling particularly confident. But indifferent in the aspect of letting go of my insecurities and speaking with her face to face. So after my eighth period class, I tried to time this out perfectly, which it kind of did. I waited for my friend to depart from his class and walked with him to the busiest stairway in the school. Not sure if he could tell from how I was acting that I was a little anxious, but I literally just spat out words to attempt to start a convo with him about something completely random. So after we descended to the second floor, he took off and went down another flight of stairs to his next class. Immediately after, we crossed paths head-on.

    She was looking down, again not appearing too eccentric about the day, so I said hey to get her attention. She gave me her attention and walked over. I've never been that close to her and when I looked into her eyes, I felt extremely light-headed and almost fainted. These next parts are really blurry because I was on the verge of passing out. As I get her attention, I said hi and I'm pretty sure she said hi back with a smile, I was really disoriented. I was undecided whether to ask her if she has a minute to talk or if I should've just revealed my feelings for her which at the time I was second guessing because I would've said something bad by accident because there was no blood rushing through my head. So I broke eye contact and all I said was 'uh' about three times then completely gave up on myself, said "I'm sorry", and just stormed off.

    Yeah, I was really upset in my last period class. Head down and the whole nine. And I'm not sure if this correlates with our short palaver, but all of last night and this morning I have been feeling very nauseous and dizzy, and can't stop thinking about what happened.

    Is the flame still lit in terms of giving it another go? I really can't think for myself in this situation, man.
  5. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    Hey man. Sorry for my late response. I'm unbelievably lazy.

    The most important thing to remember is to not needlessly pressure yourself into doing it. If you don't do it today, there's always tomorrow. No, really. Tomorrow isn't going anywhere. This doesn't necessarily have to be fodder for procrastination — it can instead be reassurance for a damaged ego when you've been unsuccessful in speaking with her.

    The fact that she gave you a smile when you engaged her is a very good sign. And don't feel embarrassed by your forgivable nervousness the first time around! You don't need to dwell on that minor failure. Most girls find this sort of awkwardness cute, believe it or not. The sort of awkwardness girls DON'T find cute is when people send them messages on FB after liking several of their photos and say, "yo ur cute bb here's my # txt me sometime :)." If she doesn't know that you're interested in her, then she's probably even intrigued. I bet you got her thinking about you, and that in itself is a GOOD thing.

    You gotta follow up though, and SOON. Otherwise, it will lose the sense of immediacy that you need to maintain in order to keep her curious and stimulated.

    Sorry if my advice wasn't so helpful this time around. I just thought I'd try to reassure you that you're honestly doing a fine job and are heads and shoulders above most guys.

    I wanted to highlight this because I relate to this so strongly. I always wanted to find a really miserable girl and share our misery together and heal each other. It's probably indicative of some internal character flaw, but whatever. That's how I feel. Off-topic, but what's your Myers-Briggs type?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2013
  6. Armored

    Armored Member

    i'm an INFP so i guess you could imagine how hard it is for me to overtly talk to people while letting my guard down.

    still haven't spoken to her since. i've drastically lost a lot of confidence these past two weeks and my depression is ubiquitously taking over. my acne is worsening ever since i've had to switch prescriptions and i have been avoiding contacts with everyone because i just hate being seen. not going to school hasn't been benefiting this snowball effect either; and thoughts of suicide have been constant and amalgamated into despair.

    yeah, i just really don't know anymore. if my feelings could be transmitted into a song, it'd definitely be stone sour's 'bother'. i really appreciate your attempts to help. it's not your lack of helpful advice, it's me not feeling daring enough to act on it.
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