Taking off my mask to be seen.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Dreamerofhappydays, Dec 12, 2015.

  1. A mask. I guess thats what my face formed after awhile from talking to people.
    As a kid I didnt really like emotion. Weird right? I didnt know it at the time but that was my first mistake.
    I thought emotion wasnt important. My friends I thought were more important. Eventually I formed what I like to call a "face of death" when you stop moving your face for a long time. Stop smiling. Stop laughing or crying. Stop everything your face can show.
    Makes a pretty good poker face I guess for anyone who plays any card games haha.
    After a while your face starts to feel cold instead of warm. And muscles tighten up and make themselves seem not there.
    I did this to myself to fake emotion.
    To fake a laugh for a friend. To fake a genuine smile for someone who needed it. To fake me caring.
    I thought it was pretty cool as a kid almost like an abilitly. It was like controlling your own emotions.
    Cool right?
    But eventually... I left it behind.
    I couldnt take not feeling anything deep down. I was slowly losing myself, my humanity that made me care, to this ability.
    One day at a store after my mom thought I tried to run away and ill never forget the things she said. How I was just a stranger that she would feed and provide clothes until I leave for college. My mom did feel bad eventually because how could a mother even say that and feel any ounce of good right?
    I never forgot... How I lost it then and there.
    Not like flipped out and got angry or yelled or screamed.
    I just... Lost care for everything. My ability was back.
    Eventually I felt like I barely loved her at all. But of course I do because shes my mom. All of my friends started to mean nothing because of how they have treated me as well.
    For example when I talked to a friend and told them about how I was having suicidal thoughts. They simply said things like choose life or hang on. Its nice I wont lie to at least be shown a little care but in the end. They left. Now they ignore me and pretend I dont exist.
    I have all of their phone numbers and they dont call or text me ever. Yet they text others almost everyday maybe even to people they havent spoken to in awhile.
    Except me of course. I feel... Like a creature
    A shapeshifter
    One that can fake smiles and be carefree like but in reality... Its torn up inside and just...nothing.
    I guess thats what I am without my mask. I hope this story was fun to read its the first one Ive ever posted.
    Sorry if it seemed dark I just didnt know how else to express it.
    Goodbye for now everyone ill just put my mask back on and continue playing the part of person to everyone.

    And to anyone else wearing a mask your not alone and its ok.