It's funny how you perceive events in your life one way when you're young and look at them another way when you're older. For example, statements like you're unique, you're different, you're too good for that school, you're too good for this or that -- they were palatable uplifting feedback in my younger days.
Now I look at all that shit as an insult. I don't want to be that different that I don't fit in anywhere. Yes, I really am different because I yearn to be like most people with stable relationships, stable jobs, stable family. Or is it consistency I yearn for? I'm finding out that my eccentricities and uniqueness only gives me pain. It seems cookie cutter people have it easier.
Here's an example of self hate. I ran into friends of my parents. They looked me up because of a small business detail in my dad's estate. We were having dinner and from the get-go I found them to be annoying as hell. "Oh, you look like your dad in his younger days, I used to date him. Why didn't you bring your girlfriend over to meet us. You were the plum of your mom's eye! How much is your condo worth these days? Why don't you call so and so. Who do you get together with these days?"
Oh, I can't tell you how much I wanted to punch her ugly face in. I thanked them for buying me dinner and left them there as quick as I could. First of all, I don't want to have anything to do with my dad. When I look back at his mannerisms, his odor -- I hate smelling like my dad which I do sometimes - it makes me sick -- is it any wonder that throughout my entire life I was running away from myself.
Yes, that's why I soldered my family tree, no babies for me. I believe my genes are truly repellent and aren't worth carrying on. A part of me feels some pride that relatives were disappointed that I wasn't carrying on the family sperm. I feel life is an insult to me and that insult would be magnified ten-fold if I had a family.
Yet, it's getting increasingly lonely living alone, dining alone, shopping alone, walking alone, going to the movies alone. Though I'm alive, I feel my life is already over. And it's not like I don't try. Everything shuts down. Borders is closing and that was my main hangout. My depression therapy group folded up. There are no more ACOA 12-step groups in my area. I meet most of my friends in those groups. Days can go by and I talk to nobody. I thought that as an only child, loneliness wouldn't faze me but it is these days.
And no Internet board is a substitution for real human contact.
:sad:
Now I look at all that shit as an insult. I don't want to be that different that I don't fit in anywhere. Yes, I really am different because I yearn to be like most people with stable relationships, stable jobs, stable family. Or is it consistency I yearn for? I'm finding out that my eccentricities and uniqueness only gives me pain. It seems cookie cutter people have it easier.
Here's an example of self hate. I ran into friends of my parents. They looked me up because of a small business detail in my dad's estate. We were having dinner and from the get-go I found them to be annoying as hell. "Oh, you look like your dad in his younger days, I used to date him. Why didn't you bring your girlfriend over to meet us. You were the plum of your mom's eye! How much is your condo worth these days? Why don't you call so and so. Who do you get together with these days?"
Oh, I can't tell you how much I wanted to punch her ugly face in. I thanked them for buying me dinner and left them there as quick as I could. First of all, I don't want to have anything to do with my dad. When I look back at his mannerisms, his odor -- I hate smelling like my dad which I do sometimes - it makes me sick -- is it any wonder that throughout my entire life I was running away from myself.
Yes, that's why I soldered my family tree, no babies for me. I believe my genes are truly repellent and aren't worth carrying on. A part of me feels some pride that relatives were disappointed that I wasn't carrying on the family sperm. I feel life is an insult to me and that insult would be magnified ten-fold if I had a family.
Yet, it's getting increasingly lonely living alone, dining alone, shopping alone, walking alone, going to the movies alone. Though I'm alive, I feel my life is already over. And it's not like I don't try. Everything shuts down. Borders is closing and that was my main hangout. My depression therapy group folded up. There are no more ACOA 12-step groups in my area. I meet most of my friends in those groups. Days can go by and I talk to nobody. I thought that as an only child, loneliness wouldn't faze me but it is these days.
And no Internet board is a substitution for real human contact.
:sad:
