Talk about Self Hate

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pit, Aug 12, 2011.

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  1. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    It's funny how you perceive events in your life one way when you're young and look at them another way when you're older. For example, statements like you're unique, you're different, you're too good for that school, you're too good for this or that -- they were palatable uplifting feedback in my younger days.

    Now I look at all that shit as an insult. I don't want to be that different that I don't fit in anywhere. Yes, I really am different because I yearn to be like most people with stable relationships, stable jobs, stable family. Or is it consistency I yearn for? I'm finding out that my eccentricities and uniqueness only gives me pain. It seems cookie cutter people have it easier.

    Here's an example of self hate. I ran into friends of my parents. They looked me up because of a small business detail in my dad's estate. We were having dinner and from the get-go I found them to be annoying as hell. "Oh, you look like your dad in his younger days, I used to date him. Why didn't you bring your girlfriend over to meet us. You were the plum of your mom's eye! How much is your condo worth these days? Why don't you call so and so. Who do you get together with these days?"

    Oh, I can't tell you how much I wanted to punch her ugly face in. I thanked them for buying me dinner and left them there as quick as I could. First of all, I don't want to have anything to do with my dad. When I look back at his mannerisms, his odor -- I hate smelling like my dad which I do sometimes - it makes me sick -- is it any wonder that throughout my entire life I was running away from myself.

    Yes, that's why I soldered my family tree, no babies for me. I believe my genes are truly repellent and aren't worth carrying on. A part of me feels some pride that relatives were disappointed that I wasn't carrying on the family sperm. I feel life is an insult to me and that insult would be magnified ten-fold if I had a family.

    Yet, it's getting increasingly lonely living alone, dining alone, shopping alone, walking alone, going to the movies alone. Though I'm alive, I feel my life is already over. And it's not like I don't try. Everything shuts down. Borders is closing and that was my main hangout. My depression therapy group folded up. There are no more ACOA 12-step groups in my area. I meet most of my friends in those groups. Days can go by and I talk to nobody. I thought that as an only child, loneliness wouldn't faze me but it is these days.

    And no Internet board is a substitution for real human contact.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your right hun internet board is not a substitute for human contact conversation It does help thought to know that you are being heard in some way I wish there was some community activity you could join art class or bowling something that you enjoy that you could get involved in hugs to you
  3. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    Man I feel you, wouldnt want to pass on my terrible genes to the next poor soul born in this horrible world.

    Plus Im considered weird to everyone I meet, so that comes with me being alone all the time.
  4. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I don't even know how I got to the place from self hatred, to learning to quit being so damn hard on myself, and learn to appreciate the good qualities that I have.

    Hatred was right up my alley. It's very difficult to grow up being shy. I never liked the way I looked. It's even easier to hate yourself when your being abused. I thought I was worthless, and a waste of the air that we breathe.. I didn't appreciate the genes from my family, the mental health issues, feeling like I must be crazy, lack of being able to succeed. Why is it that everyone else gets everything, and you are born with nothing? How many times I thought that. Wondering if god himself even loved me.. Never understanding why I was even born, just to live a life of misery?? I've been around alot of people who showed no interest in me whatsover. I couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with me, why people treated me like that. I had to assume I must be ugly and lack a personality..

    Well those thoughts were bullshit. If people told me I was pretty, I would think they were just bullshitting me to make me feel better. I've had guys my son's age ask me out because they thought I was half my age. I've had people think he was my husband instead of my child. God no.... When I went to his wedding, they thought I was the bride (she was late getting there).. Geezzzzz how I love those compliments but I couldn't ever have any positive thoughts about myself.

    What is important is what is inside your heart. And that is what I fall in love with, not what the person looks like.

    People do take interest in me now.. I think I had to learn to care about myself before anyone else could.
  5. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you've gotten over it, but I'm in my late 40s and I STILL have these thoughts. I think it comes from being alone a lot and not having a positive core to see me through.
  6. NJ_CB

    NJ_CB Member

    I also feel like this distorted pattern of negative self thought is so ingrained in me that I will never get better. My therapist thinks I have grown to like it and I would miss it if I started thinking differently. FML :sigh:
  7. nomore76

    nomore76 Member

    Wow.....I can totally relate to this. My pain has caused me to basically become a shut-in....yet I'm terribly lonely. Doesn't make sense, huh?:/....And I have the same thoughts about people....people suck nowadays. Don't feel alone in that aspect. It's all a vicious circle....just when you think you're feeling better it comes back like a 2x4 to the head.

    BUT......knowing I can come here and NO ONE is gonna call me crazy or pathetic or whatever does help. Even in your darkest hour know that there's always someone out there who knows exactly how you feel:*).
  8. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    To the point I can stop hating myself, yes, that I have gotten over. I am 40 myself.. I have been working on my weight issues, I've lost 25 lbs since december, and I've been going to a tanning salon almost every day, even though it's making my health problems worse, it's a bad decision. I am still somewhat hung up over my appearance. I'm not outgoing, still shy somewhat, when I'm around a crowd of people, such as a school setting, exercises classes, whatever it is, I am so uncomfortable, I don't want to be there, but if I am one on one with someone, it really doesn't bother me at all. Everyone has issues over something, and that's okay, but there is no reason in the world why you have to hate yourself. If you have self hatred, you need to let go of that. You are just as important as the next person. Your special in your own way and don't ever let anyone make you think otherwise.
  9. Amyblue

    Amyblue Member

    I have always hated myself..been different and the outsider, pretty goth in appearance and creative/artistic. I have made it all the way to graduate school (ironically in a psychology program) and want to drop out because I can relate to no one, and wondering if I made a mistake. I have one friend who I relate to and she is in another state. We both suffer from Bipolar but I was only diagnosed almost 2 months ago and dealing with it has been really difficult.
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