talk to me. tell me im wrong.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ASolitaryBlue, Apr 15, 2010.

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  1. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    i dont really know why im posting here. i usually just ramble these things in my diary where no one bothers to read them and i can just fade into the background. so im sorry for bothering everyone with this.

    i guess i just want someone to tell me no. to tell me that i need to stay for some reason other than that we feel guilty about letting other people die by their own hand. tell me i might actually be missed. i dont know. i am just so confused ffs. so tired of this anxiety over nothing. tired of this endless pain.

    i want to believe that there is some other way, but i cant see it. i have had methods planned for a long time. theyve changed. hell, i live a 5 minute walk from a bridge. i would do it tonight if i werent so scared i would live, the bridge i am afraid might not be tall enough. but now i have found the best one yet. its so good, such a painless, easy way out, that if i can find a place to get the one thing i need.... i know i would do it. and just bc i havent found someplace to buy it yet, doesnt mean i wont tomorrow, and then...
  2. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    hello cuttle25,
    someone just saying no, don't do it isn't a reason to keep on.
    i don't know what to give as a reason, but maybe you do,
    know a reason not to. What has kept you going for this long?

    i'm not sure anyone else can give you a good enough reason to not kill yourself, i believe you have to live for you because anyone else simply can't be enough. But you are, enough of a reason to keep on struggling and wanting to have more, be more. Perhaps cuttle25, that you are asking for someone else to tell you not to do it, is a reason not to do it.

    but if it helps at all

    no! don't do this!
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2010
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm going to tell you no don't do it.....
    find more help....something , anything to stay and try, try again....
    think of the pain and grief you will leave behind for friends and family...
    we will miss you here.....
    what's the reason you've survived this long?....hugs
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    hon you know i would miss you

    talk to me

  5. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    ive been hanging on bc i thought in some crazy illusion that i mattered.
    but i dont.
    im just a toy that people can play with and toss out when theyre done.
    my parents are too worried about my brothers upcoming college choices to even notice how im feeling. they wouldnt care if i left.
    no one would.
    its not like i can ever do anything here but offer hugs anyway. and its been pointed out hugs and no comment is just annoying.
    i wasnt looking for a no, dont do this. i dont know what i was looking for. maybe just words, that someone "cares", to feed another illusion that might make me stay...
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I care and so does your parents and brother they all care I hope you can get involved in helping your brother with his college as well don't isolate include yourself talk to bro about it. Lots of people care here as well about you and :hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles: i think they are great sending lots to you and telling you lots of people care and would miss you if you left
  7. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    echo, IV, violet... some part of me knows what youre saying is true. that you care. but why is this demon part of me trying to convince me that no one does? why cant i just accept it and deal with it? why cant i just trust, and believe someone for once? :cry: bc when i get back to thinking, i can always find a way to explain away the care that people express.

    i just cant do this anymore. i dont see how. theres no way for anything to get better. im stuck and this seems like a pretty good solution to me.
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    suicide is never the solution...
    it's the cause of many more problems for those left behind...
    are you able to talk to your parents and tell them how you are feeling....
    they won't want to lose you..they care...we care..
    hold on.....:hug::flowers:
  9. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    no. i cant talk to them.
    last time, 6 years ago, when they found out via my high school i was depressed/suicidal, they freaked. didnt hear the end of it for months. went all religion is your answer on me.
    cant deal with that now. i dont believe in their god, not like ive told them that either. they always have answers for me. im always wrong. theyre always right.
    this time ill just skip the middle step. they wont have to find a solution this time. ive found one.
  10. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    if you need someone to chat with, i'm willing. i haven't been on much lately but anytime i see one of your posts i take time to read it. i guess for me, i just feel a certain kinship to you. please stay and keep talking.
  11. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey Cuttle ya know I really related to your first post so intensely. The night I came to SF that is what I was looking for...someone to tell me "no, you are worth it and/or there is hope"
    Cuttle I know we don't know one another very well but I feel your pain and share the same battle with depression as you do so in that sense we are kindred spirits and so I reach out to you from that part in my heart and say "NO" don't do it, your worth it and there is hope.

    Please allow the love that is here for you inside your heart and allow it to heal that wound you have...we truly do care and if you would like to talk more I am just a PM away...

    Please be gentle with yourself and know you are loved....Bambi
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your parents don't understand Liz...
    is there anyone else you feel comfortable talking to?..
    you can pm me anytime..
    don't hurt yourself....
  13. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    Please stay, I would miss you.
  14. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    Bro, IMHO, the fact that your looking for a way to stay alive is good.
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    liz, depression is a nasty bitch - i think we can all agree on that

    when it gets a solid grip on me everything is wrong, everything is my fault, and my head becomes so totally focused on that, that it is almost impossible for me to believe that anyone cares, that things will ever get better

    and i am starting to recognize that reaction has been frustrating, hurting, and scaring the people who try to reach out to me and can't break through the wall that gets built around myself

    yet for some reason they keep trying and eventually the wall begins to crack enough to let me hear a voice or two and that can make all the difference in the world

    i can tell that you are surrounded by that same wall right now, but realize that we are a small but caring group armed with sledge hammers who won't give up caring and talking to you until we can make that crack big enough for you to hear us

    your job it to bang on the wall from the inside so that together we can find the best spot to help you get out - and you do that by posting and talking to us

    sounds to me like you are doing your part and it looks like you have a bunch of folks swinging hammers for you, but this wall is thick so you have to keep listening - keep doing that and i know you will hear us and that we can help you break through the wall together
  16. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    theres no point in trying to break through the wall, if one even exists like you said.
    im not worth it.
    i dont matter.
    i can never live the life i wanted.
    its ok. i accept that.
    and i am ok with dying. i accept that too.
    i have a rugby tournament all weekend. i thought i wouldnt do anything until after that, but now...
    i dont even care. i fi had the one thing i needed i would be gone in 5 minutes.
    as it is, i can always do the one thing that would make the bridge guaranteed to be lethal.
    im sorry. i am. but i cant do this.
    and im sorry im not actually worth your time. better off trying to help someone who actually has a chance.
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you matter us , to your's the depression telling you no one cares...
    please tell someone how you're feeling.....tell your parents....they love you and they need to know so they can help you....sit them down and explain you don't want religion you want help...tell them you want to die....
    give them a chance to show how much they love you...
    without you your family will be in a million pieces...
    stay safe..take care..
  18. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    figured out how i can get what i need. hell, i could have it all ready within an hour. get it ready, and drive far away to do it so no one can find me. already wrote a note.

    im protecting them by not telling my parents. they have enough to deal with right now.
    with me gone, theyll just have one less thing to worry about.

    to deal with this alone is probably the best thing to do. shouldnt have ever some to this site. now i just risk hurting the people on here, and thats not what i wanted.

    im sorry.
    for those of you that care, dont.
    im not worth it.
    i promise, im not.
  19. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I thougt I'd come out of hiding to tell you that I am another person who'd miss you. I like you a lot, like I told you before. You have such a cool personality. haha And you can tell that you're someone with a good head on her shoulders. You can really achieve so much if you'd just figure out how to get past this negativity.
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

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