talking To A Brick Wall

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Andy73, Sep 26, 2009.

  1. Andy73

    Andy73 Active Member

    The last time I self harmed I saw A mental health worker that I had been case managed by before and that she had been my case manager about 3 years ago and that I haven’t seen her since and while I was in talking to her I felt that she was forcing her perception of me being gay onto me and saying if I just accepted it I wouldn’t self harm or do any suicide attempts and no matter what I said to her she would not listen to what I had to say as she was trying to tell me that sexual orientation is made up for us in our child hood or we are just born that way and she wouldn’t take my explanation of that part of my sexual confusion had been forced upon me when I was molested at 14 as I had no intensions or was had no thoughts about sex before I was Molester or even knew of any other sexual behaviors than a male going out with a female at that age up until I was molested at 14 as she was implying that she knew me better than I knew myself and she was invalidating anything I said as she would bring up about my drinking habit as a course of my problems and another reasons why I self harm which I think my alcohol intake is under control now and I told her about the friend who abused me back when she use to see me as my case worker a few years ago and that he was rapping me and I really didn’t want to say that to her as I still feel embarrassed about saying that to anyone and she knew this friend and she knew how much older he was compared to me and she knew partially what was happening especially on how sexually confused I was as this friend would not leave me alone to let me sort things out for myself as he was much older than me and it was like I was being re victimized and re-experiencing the abuse I went through at 14 as she’d even tell me with the memories and thoughts and the nightmares and flash backs I have from what these two perpetrators did to me that I had to stop ruminating or thinking about them and forget about what happened and move on and live in the present not the past and I talking to her I felt like I did back then when this friend was sexually abusing me as I felt I was always insurperiour and unimportant and just a burden to anyone and would never be believed by anyone and for me them sexual desires I had towards males back then felt unnatural and out of the ordinary for me and they didn’t feel right to me as I never felt comfortable with any of these homosexual sexual activities this friend forced upon me or force me to participate in with this older man it was like I was his sex toy and that I never owned my own body like he had free access and I couldn’t stop him as I was uncomfortable with him in the ways of anal sex or oral sex or masturbating another males penis or even another male doing them sexual things to me and It always felt strange and out of the ordinary plus very confusing to be having sex with another male and most of the case workers I’ve had at mental health have always told me some useless information like they have friends who are homosexuals and that there are other people who have gone though what I have been through but saying that never made me feel any better about what happened or even eased my mind about my situation back then or even now and what the mental health worker had ever told me has never been helpful as I’d like to know what pages them sayings are on and what book they read and this mental health worker I saw lately was making me feel frustrated at her as it felt like she was being dominating and belittling me and my thoughts and what I’d say to her as she was pushing me to challenge and rethink about my sexuality all over again even though I was being firm and strong in saying what my sexuality is as it was like as if I don’t know myself really well or what I really like or what I wanted for myself but she was sure she knew me better than I know myself but when I mentioned a few things and made a comparison between the different sexualities she told me she was not experienced in that field or sexuality and she had no training as a sexual therapist but she knew what my sexuality was as she was certain I was homosexual and that I didn’t know that yet or I weren’t accepting my sexuality and no matter what I’d say she to her she wouldn’t acknowledge what I was saying as being the truth as this conversation I had with this mental health worker was way off the mark from the reasons why I had been self harming again as I was self harming from the issues I was dealing with in the now and present not about my sexuality since I believe I have dealt with them issues and I am quite comfortable with my sexuality now as I do know the only one who can ever know me any better than anyone is myself. and in my mind I wonder how she would of come up with a conclusion or have a intuition or have a impression of my sexuality that was based on sexuality confusion I had in the past as I go over all these scenarios like It could of been because of how I come across as a passive and gentle and quiet and a soft speaker or it could have been that she was still stuck in the time she use to be my case manager as that was about 3 years ago and I have changed allot since then and I am kind of reluctant to go back and see mental health in times of crisis as I don’t want to have to defend myself from their perception of me.
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Do the other workers share her perceptions in the matter? I hope not.

    If they don't, ask for another worker.

    If they do, you can make a complaint to an advocate. Ask the facility how to contact the patient advocate.