So I figured I'd title all of my Members Diary posts "Talking to myself" and number them. Makes my rambling a little better and sometimes they will make sense, sometimes they won't but it will be what strolls off of the brain. Now that's cleared up, I just want to talk about how I'm feeling right now. Today I woke up pretty early- around 10AM (EST). I thought about how if I don't get up, my cousin will have something to say. About how if I don't get up I will get nothing accomplished, but then I realized... I have nothing to accomplish. The past year I have woken up and not had clients (I'm a graphic illustrator) that are trustworthy. People refuse to pay me and don't even blink twice when I let them know about my half now half later policy. Right now, I am living with my cousin, I don't like it. All of my life it feels people have had to take care of me- Ironically I take care of everyone while I am where I am. I'm 22 years old and I'm ready to stop moving around the states. I want to move to Colorado. To a nice zen place and relax. Have the option to go out and meet new people, be myself. I don't want a lot of friends though, meeting people is nice, but I don't call anyone a friend. Good people are hard to come by. Anyway, I live with my cousin and her boyfriend now. Just like last time, they told me I'd be paid for helping them out with the baby. I was stupid enough to think that was true and took my chances since I would be closer to Colorado. Well... I was completely wrong. I get blamed for everything, but I argue nothing. They volunteer me to donate blood/plasma so they can pay rent or get food yet they always have money for weed. They always have money to buy some stupid weed and then act like it's my fault when they don't have enough food for the house. I was relying on the money I'd get paid to get to Colorado, my final moving place. Suddenly the world doesn't see it as my time to get there. I spent all my money getting to my cousin because they said they needed help. Her boyfriend isn't even working, she's working so they didn't need me. During the day he eats up everything- EVERYTHING and I get blamed and he says nothing. I was walking to the bathroom and I heard him tell the baby he's going to get her some crackers- you know like the animal crackers- he passed me to get to their room and I glanced over. They hide the snacks in the room closet. I went into the bathroom and the only thing I could think to myself is that they only do that because she thinks I'm eating up food and he won't admit to it. I don't argue with her because she's pregnant and because I simply don't care anymore. We used to be cool to where she could tell me anything. Now she's hiding snacks and assuming I'm the one eating up the little bit of food they have. She never asks me though, just goes on a yelling rampage about how she doesn't make enough money and this and that. I just say, "Okay" while my stomach growls and her baby is gaining healthy weight, takes her naps on time, goes outside when no one else is here because inside is boring as all hell. Heh. I just want to leave and finally be by myself. I have learned that being by myself I do better and communicate with others much more. Mainly because I have that time to myself and don't care what people think of me because at the end of the day I can go home and just watch my cartoons. Sounds silly, I know, but that's what makes me happy and I do better that way. It's difficult no one has time to pay for work, but everyone wants something from you. Well, thanks for reading, peeps.