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Talking to shadows

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fascimile, Mar 22, 2012.

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  1. Fascimile

    Fascimile Account Closed

    I guess I ponder still the nature of life and death. More specifically death, as my thoughts seem to turn ever towards it. I try to see the logic in the view that life is... precious, something to be protected. But I always consider it a cruelty to so then submit someone to the torture that holding on to a life that has become untenable.

    Words... are a barrier. I'm laying in bed, crying, shaking, bleeding from the usual self inflicted wounds, but when written down it seems like nothing. It's not the gentle caress of a twisting fear that entwines, right now it's more a conflagration, a wild fire burning through me, unquenchable, destroying everything in it's path, and I feel pathetic that all I can do to express that is write, or bleed, or beat my head against a wall and cry, hoping maybe that whatever screwed up thing that resides in my thoughts can somehow be shaken free through sheer force. A deluded thought I know, pain distracts, it numbs, but sometimes it's not enough, and still i'm trying to somehow manage the balance between wanting to die, and wanting to be in control of that choice. My curse, and my blessing too I guess, if you consider life to be something that should be protected, that the very thing that makes it so hard for me to live, is also the thing that makes it hard for me to die too. I guess writing is a form of control too, I know what I can't write on here, so to focus my words on what I can, to try to express, to explain, but without the ability to capture more than a fraction of these feelings feels like row upon row of butterfly collections, a scattering of colour, as if it somehow conveyed some meaning compared to the fluttering flight of those butterflies flying free.

    I guess maybe if I talk so much rubbish, I can somehow confuse myself away from the thoughts for a while. I know if I state bluntly, I want to die, I desperately, hopelessly, plead for the release from this mortal coil, it will mean nothing. But I guess it's either pointless words, or a final action, which I for so long have been fighting for and against... the noise of it drowning out the outside world, words meant to be of encouragement, of empathy, no more than the brush of a leaf on your cheek standing in the middle of a hurricane. Maybe i'll just blow away this time. Maybe i'll get the ignoble end i've always wanted. Maybe i'll just stop talking to shadows.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    How beautiful you write i hope you are not blown away in the winds but remain to write again words say so much about your sadness yet with great beauty they do it wow
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Fax - hi, and I 2nd what TE has said - you write so beautifully. I know there is a meaning outside of ourselves, to life. The reason why we are all born, even though none of us asked to be born and to greater or lesser degrees wish that we had not been.
    Above it all, there is a reason. Even though we cannot see what it is, unless we search and ask for it. And then, some who search and ask say they do not find anything and so give up. But above all of this, still, there is a reason for it.

    I wish we were all born knowing this reason, but that isn't the way it works. But the world and peoples' lives are 'dysfunctional' (we each know whether ours is or not) because of disconnection to this reason.

    I know it makes some people mad as hatters to be told there is a reason for life and our existence, when they know they haven't found it yet. It made me livid when I got told that - actually, we all are already connected, it's just that we can't see it and don't realise it - to begin with, not many even WANT it. And so the reason stays away......

    Hun, pondering the nature of life and death is all good...... I wish you every blessing and happiness and all good thoughts, and strength to carry on and find the reason, if that's what you want. Each little step we take is a giant step in the big picture.
    You Are Precious
  4. Fascimile

    Fascimile Account Closed

    It doesn't feel like enough though, the words seem to be no more than a faded imitation of the feelings that reside in me, that seem to lose their meaning somewhere between my mind and my hands. I feel like I want to say so much more, to express the intensity the emotions envelop me with, but instead of a scream, it's just a whimper.
  5. Fascimile

    Fascimile Account Closed

    I wish I had your certainty, it would make purpose far easier to come by. I feel as though the life that we live in defies reason, it is beautiful in it's chaoticness, but that makes it no easier to endure. Acceptance of this chaos was the first decision I took that left me somewhat at peace with my own life, whether I choose to live it, or end it, in relation to the universe, such a choice is insignificant.

    In the cold light of day, when reason overcomes emotion, I have to struggle with my own inadequacies to live any semblance of a regular life, but it is one without the ability to hold simple purpose. I do believe in some way in the fundamental interconnectedness of all things, all people, but such connections are also transient in their nature, where purpose itself is what drives people to live, to grow, to succeed by whatever measure they set their life by. The irony in that is that i've been, for far too long, living off the transient and erratic connections that I happen to have made as I pass through life, and managed to endure in misery. The further irony is that with purpose, I would have been dead, and at peace, years ago, that the means of living is also the means of dying. Without it, I just seem to be in limbo, trapped between a life I cannot live, and a death I cannot reach. The only source of relief seems to be self-harm, the joy that pain can bring, a moment of violent focus that nothing else can bring.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I have a similar problem. When I am most down I just sort of ramble.
  7. Fascimile

    Fascimile Account Closed

    It's something I struggle with, because I tend to track my stream of conscious thought wherever it happens to lead, though that makes it impossible most often for anyone else to understand, simply because my process of thought is unclear. I guess as with all beings, sometimes all I wish for is to understand better, and be understood, though that is asking a lot I find.
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