Hi everyone - I'm Chris - new here and this is my 1st post. When I was back in my 20's I tried to take my own life. I don't want to get back to that point as it was definitely my rock bottom. Lately I have been thinking how I just can't do this any longer, and, how it might be easier on everyone if I just disappeared. I have thought of how I would do it, where and the best time of the day/week. When I am going through these thoughts I actually feel a sense of calm. When I am thinking about it, I feel at peace, I guess it eases my mind to know that I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. But then later, after I've snapped out of it, I get really scared that I was seriously thinking that way. I get remorseful too and I feel ashamed. I have a problem talking to anyone about it, especially my doctors. I thought maybe this forum might help me with that. With my doctors, I tend to focus on my physical problems and downplay my emotional ones. I have had 2 failed back surgeries in the last couple years and I deal with a lot of pain everyday. I go through these Pain/Depression cycles, where the Pain makes me more depressed, and then the depression makes my pain worse. I also get these anxiety attacks (more like panic attacks) and the same thing happens. I have been dealing with these mental/physical cycles where each issue makes the other worse and it's like they now feed off each other. Aside from those issues, I just feel like such a burden. When I see my psyche, he just tells me to stick with the med's I'm on, try these relaxation techniques and he'll see me next month. My other doctors tell me I need to discuss my depression/anxiety issues with my psyche. I should probably tell my psyche about the thoughts that I've been having, but it's really hard. Maybe by starting here I can figure out how to do that. I hope this makes sense. Thanks for reading.